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Are You Just A Performer Rather Than A Leader?

Episode #795

What distinguishes performing actions from genuine transformation in relationships, and why do many men struggle to prioritize their marriages over other aspects of their lives?

In this episode of the TPM show, host Doug engages in a thought-provoking conversation with top advisor Tyler, delving into the intricacies of navigating marital challenges and fostering true connection.

They dive into the crucial distinction between performing actions and truly transforming oneself in relationships. They pondered why men often prioritize success in business over investing time and effort into their marriages, leading to a cycle of dissatisfaction and disconnection.

Tyler emphasizes the importance of emotional connection and vulnerability, urging men to step up and provide the emotional safety their partners crave.

In this episode, you’ll learn about the transformative power of prioritizing emotional connection and communication in relationships.

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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.

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Tyler  00:01

Is she seeing you transform? Because if not, you’re just performing. You’re just doing that light stuff in the beginning. So can we show you how to transform versus perform? Because you’ve probably performed for a long time and you feel like, I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. What do you do at that point? Why not have that conversation? Why not see if we can provide a different route and a different path? Because I’ve had countless men say, this is nothing like what I’ve ever thought it could be. It’s so logical. It makes sense to me. Like, I wish I would have learned this ten years ago.

Doug Holt  00:37

Hey, guys. Welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. Today I have a very special guest with me, one of our top advisors, Tyler’s with us today, and he’s going to share with us some of the insights that he sees after talking to literally thousands of men just like you. And I’m really looking forward to this conversation. Thanks for being here.

Tyler  00:56

Yeah, I’m happy to be here, too, Doug.

Doug Holt  00:58

Well, we had a great conversation off camera. We were talking about some of the things that you hear from the men and the insights you get from guys that are not only joining the program, but guys have been successful on their own and guys that continue to be successful. So why don’t you kick it off and let us know?

Tyler  01:13

Yeah, I think the big thing that I’ve learned recently with the guys that I’ve talked to is the difference between performing the work and transforming, transforming to your core. And what I mean by that is the guys that are performing the work are the ones that are putting on the show. The wife is frustrated, and she says, I need you to do XYZ. And that’s all you do. You just do XYZ. Really just kind of kick the can down the road. And then whether it’s a week, a month, three months down the road, it’s a cycle.

A lot of guys talk about the cycle all the time, and so how do you break the cycle? You hold that mirror up and ultimately look yourself in the mirror and say, I’m willing to do the real work to be able to make that transformational change to who Tyler is, to who Doug is, to be that man, to lead her through these.

Doug Holt  02:10

You know, it’s really interesting when you say that. I’m reflecting on the times that we’ve had women on the show, and one of the common themes that comes up time and time again is the wife knows. The wife knows if this is real or if this is an act. Your point?

Tyler  02:26

She’s got incredible intuition, and you guys have been together for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years. She knows when you’re lying. She knows when you’re putting on that show. And so it’s up to you to decide, like, this is the last time we’re going to have this type of a conversation.

How do you do that? Maybe you do have some of those answers yourself. Maybe you do need some sort of support in that realm. And that’s what we do. That’s how we do provide the value for these guys to give that type of clarity, to give them those answers, and so to see the guys step to the line and to hear their success stories and to have them come back and say, wow, Tyler, I really appreciate you challenging me in that moment where I had the chance to step up and like you always talk about in that moment, to take that massive, imperfect action.

You don’t need to be 100% success. She wants you to step out of your comfort zone, and that’s really the performance part of it, is that comfort zone. You’ve been able to do that for such a long time. But can you step back, transform, and really make that material change? That’s what she wants to see. And when you can do that, that’s when you start to see your relationship truly flourish and start to come out of those, I don’t know how I’m going to get out of those type of moments, like, how do we make that change starts with you.

Doug Holt  03:54

It really does. And one of the things that I notice when I talk to the guys or their wives, and my wife obviously coaches women, so I get to hear the female perspective a lot, as you can imagine, is women often the guys will talk about, oh, my wife’s heart’s so closed, she’s so cold to me. She doesn’t care.

Well, the reason being is when we start to change, if she doesn’t think it’s true, why would she open her heart again just so she can get hurt, disappointed again and again of the false promises? Things are going to change, things are going to get better when they don’t.

Tyler  04:29

Exactly. And I think it goes to the point where a lot of guys, the way that our minds work, it’s so logic focused, and you don’t really relate as naturally to the emotion focused part that women naturally are so great at. And to be able to have your logic states that your words can get you out of these things. That’s what we do in business. That’s why we’re so successful in the things that we do in those realms.

But it doesn’t translate to home, because there’s so much more emotion, there’s so much more depth to your relationship with your wife. And so translating that depth there means that you do need to communicate in a much different way. And she does not believe that your words are going to be that big transformational thing because you’ve not followed through.

And that’s why you’re frustrated, and that’s why she doesn’t believe you, because you’ve said it many, many times. But your actions don’t follow suit. And that’s the thing that needs to change. Your actions need to lead first, and then your words can matter, and they do have that merit to them. And then she starts to see that you are actually changing as we want to see.

Doug Holt  05:43

Yeah. I remember when my wife and I were going through our problems. I would listen to audiobooks, anything I could find. The powerful man didn’t exist. So there was nothing like this available. And it was when I actually took action and my actions spoke before my words that things started to shift in my marriage. Things started to shift in relationship where she could not just see them. And this is something us guys don’t get, is she could feel the change.

And that’s when all of a sudden, my wife got better. Right? I was thinking she needed to do all the work. She needed to change. She just realized how great of a guy I was, how I provided and everything else and other women loved. I could have these other women over here or this over there. She finally changed, quote, change and airmarks, when I actually did the work myself.

Tyler  06:32

Yeah, totally. And it goes back to that really common saying, one step forward, two steps back. If you’re doing that and you feel that in your relationship, that’s probably due to the fact that you are performing the work and you’re not actually looking yourself in the mirror and saying, I’m willing to step up, make the changes, to lead my family the way that I’m supposed to.

And it’s up to you, because she’s been tired. She’s been doing that for a long time, and she’s either over it or she just has been in that space for such a long time, that masculine frame that we talk about a lot. How do you get her out of that masculine frame to be that gentle, loving, caring wife that you’ve always wanted her to be, that she was when you guys got married? That comes from you leading. So how do you lead her? That’s what we want you to get back to that place, to be able to answer that question with conviction, to make sure that she knows that you’re that person for.

Doug Holt  07:32

So you get the opportunity of talking to thousands of men. I mean, when guys apply for The Activation Method, they have to go through an application process. And you’re kind of the gatekeeper for these men. And you always give them men insights, regardless of if they qualify or not. So you’re talking to high performant businessmen who, if they had a problem in their marketing, would take a marketing class. If they had a problem with finance or legal, they would seek professional advice. What do you think stops men from doing this in the relationship area?

Tyler  08:06

Wohoo, that’s a heavy question. I think the societal impact, it’s starting to change. And the perception around men being in touch with their emotions is becoming more accepted. And it’s very gratifying to see that. But for me, I was not taught growing up. I wasn’t taught from society. I wasn’t taught from my parents, from my dad, from my stepdad. Nobody taught me how to connect with my emotions. I learned that by myself going through my own journey, figuring those things out.

And I think that’s the big thing, is society has told us to be this hardened, strong man, not in touch with your emotions, but if you’re not able to do that, that connection with your wife is usually not to the level of depth that most women typically want. A lot of the men that I do talk to, that’s usually what they’re saying. My wife doesn’t feel like we communicate well. She doesn’t feel safe. And the first thing they say is, I’d never lay hand on my wife. And I was like, okay, well, that’s great. That’s one thing. But if you’re not providing that level of emotional safety for her, where she can lean on you and have you be that rock, that lighthouse like we talk about the rest of the stuff doesn’t matter.

Doug Holt  09:37

It doesn’t matter at all, man. And I’m laughing over here because I remember my wife first told me she didn’t feel safe. And I’m like, what are you talking about? At the time, I was a strength and conditioning coach. I was playing competitive sports. I’m like, you’re safe. Don’t worry about it. I got this. And she was like, no, I don’t feel emotionally safe around you. It was a concept I couldn’t really grasp at that time.

And in hindsight, 2020, I see this happen with so many men and I think what happens also is, guys, we have this notion that if our marriage isn’t working, that we are a failure. So therefore, if I share with you that I’m having a problem in my marriage, that means I’m less than, I’m not good enough. All these stories we tell ourselves.

And so as men, what we tend to do is we try to sweep it under the rug and hope it’s going to get better tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. And you wake up as a married man, kids come into the play, and now, all of a sudden, it’s been 4510 years of a tough marriage, and the wife starts saying, hey, look, this doesn’t work for me. And guys go, oh, crap, what do I do now?

Tyler  10:43

Exactly. Yeah. And I think to go back to some of the things that we had talked about earlier, when we’re talking about the performing versus transforming part of it, the reason why it’s so difficult to transform in comparison to just the performance part of it is because when you’re starting the aspects of leadership, you can lead in business, you can lead in some of these other places.

But to make the psychological change in her head that, like, wow, I can deeply trust Doug again with my words, to be able to say, he’s my rock, he’s my man. After years and years and years of letting her down, that change, that’s the unlock. That’s what we’re looking for, because a lot of guys can get 25, 50% of the way down the road with leading and stepping up and doing some of these things. But if you can’t make that switch in her head, then the cycle continues.

Doug Holt  11:49

Yeah. And you hear the same problems over and over again, the same complaints, the same, I have to talk or I need space. Right? What’s interesting also is I got to imagine we talk about this concept of performing versus basically transforming. Guys that perform aren’t going to invest time. Right?

And they’re complaining about their marriage not working. Most men, their net worth is in this huge excess. You’re going to lose at least 50% of your net worth, which that has nothing to do with the emotional impact, the impact on the kids. You’ll see your children half the time or less, but at the same time, the guys that are performing don’t want to make the time commitment to invest in a relationship. And I think their wives know this.

Tyler  12:35

Yeah. The time commitment is a big part of it. We talk to very busy men. They are busy businessmen, and it’s up to you to determine what your priorities are time is finite for all of us. And whether or not you want to look at the mirror 50 years down the road. And are you proud? Like, you built an empire with your business, but your kids don’t want to spend time with you on your deathbed, is that the type of life that you want to live? That’s quite a big question for you to have to ponder 50 years down the road, 30 years down the road, whatever it might be.

Doug Holt  13:11

Yeah. I mean, when you would do it in your business, why won’t you do it in the key area of your life? So we do a thing with the guys called the rocking chair test. There’s two things I’ll share with you that in the calendar, the rocking chair test is kind of this notion. I know you know this, but I’ll share it with the guys that don’t, is imagine yourself and you’re in your 80. You’re sitting on your rocking chair, sipping lemonade or whiskey, whatever it is for you, and you’re reflecting back on your life, on the good parts, the bad parts. You’re just having reflection.

Every time I do this, with the exception of one man in over 20 years, I’ve done this coaching is, I’ve always heard, well, my family is the number one. That’s number one in retrospect. Okay, show me your calendar, and I’ll show you your true priorities. Right? And so when we ask men this, like, okay, if your marriage is really that important, if your kids are really that important, where is your development in that area? Exactly right?

If you want to learn Spanish or you want to learn guys, got back from Argentina with almost 50 guys, and if I want to learn Spanish but I’m not spending any time studying Spanish, it would be insane to think that I would be fluent. So where are these men spending time being fluent in the category of a quality marriage with their wife.

Tyler  14:22

Yeah. The analogy that I give a lot of guys because it’s simple, it’s something that a lot of them have done. Before you go to the gym, do you have the understanding of how your diet affects. When you go to the gym and then going to the gym, do you have the understanding of how to properly isolate the muscle group that you want to work on to the point where you’re not hurting yourself, not hurting the people around you because of the fact that you’re not doing something safe, something along those lines?

And it’s the same concept in your relationship. It requires work and effort to not perform the work and to be able to transform. You have to put yourself out there, you have to act a fool and kind of make a mistake every once in a while and kind of look a little silly. And that is something that’s extremely attractive to your wife. She wants to see you try. Put yourself out there. Be willing to accept that. I might look a little silly doing this, but I’m doing this because I’m transforming, and I want to change, and I want to be the man that I promised that I’d be when I put that ring on her finger a long, long time ago.

Doug Holt  15:35

Yeah, man. I was just thinking of a guy that’s gone through the program, and he obviously went through the transform, not perform. And within one week, he changed his relationship because his wife could feel it. He went all in. All of a sudden, he’s committed to a program. He’s doing the work. She can feel the change, and they come together. Now, he’s still got to do the work right, and his wife gets to do her work right, and they can do it together. But the fact that women can tell right away if this is real, is this real? Questions your wife wants to know, is, is this real and is it going to last? Are you going to stick to it?

Tyler  16:10

Yes. And it’s the same concept of transforming. Like, is she seeing you transform? Because if not, you’re just performing. You’re just doing that light stuff in the beginning. I’ve had a few guys that I’ve checked in with recently, and it’s the same thing. They’re still early on in The Activation Method. They’re halfway through the process. It’s very quick moving, and we want to get you back to your happy life quite quickly.

And so can we show you how to transform versus perform? Because you’ve probably performed for a long time and you feel like, I’ve tried everything. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do now. What do you do at that point? Why not have that conversation? Why not see if we can provide a different route and a different path? Because I’ve had countless men say, this is nothing like what I’ve ever thought it could be. It’s so logical. It makes sense to me. Like, I wish I would have learned this ten years ago.

Doug Holt  17:12

So we do a survey for all the guys. As I think, you know, it’s all anonymous. And one of the questions is always asked to the men is, if you could talk to your former self, what would you say? It’s like, do this earlier. Pull the trigger. I’ve been waiting on the sidelines, and as guys, we want two things, right? We want something that is systematized, that we — A recipe. That’s why it’s called The Activation Method. It’s a methodology that works every single time. And they want something that’s proven.

And that’s why, guys, if you go over to thepowerfulman.com hit RESULTS, you can see literally hundreds upon hundreds of men who have sharing their RESULTS story. It’d be interesting if I could do it, you could do it. And we got two of us, or even 100 of us, but literally thousands of men have changed their lives, first and foremost, but also their family’s legacy. By taking action.

Tyler  18:04

Absolutely. Yeah. And it is taking that action. It is deciding that you do want to transform. Like, if you’re listening to this right now, do you want to just leave it up to chance and hope that she decides that she wants to change? Can promise you that that’s very unlikely, that it’s going to happen. I don’t hear it. They’re looking for that level of leadership. They’re looking for you to step up and be able to lead your relationship and your family through those dark times.

And if you’re not willing to do that, then at some point you’re putting your family in a perilous state, and they’re going to have to decide what they want to do and what’s best for them because if you’re not providing that emotional safety for her, she’s looking for that because that’s paramount. There’s nothing that’s more important than that. And if she can’t find that with you, does she find that somewhere else? Like, over time?

Doug Holt  19:02

She has to. Yeah, she has to find the safety. Now, whether she finds it with another man, another woman, or family members. Exactly. She’s going to have to find that safe spot. And when you look at the stats, right, so 50% of marriages end in divorce. That’s one in two of those that end in divorce. Over 70% are initiated by the woman.

Now, most of our men, their wives have a college degree or greater. And you know this, and I do, too. If your wife’s got a college degree or greater, it goes to 90%. You can Google the stat. It’s there. 90% of those divorces, those marriages are going to be initiated by the woman. It’s because the guy’s waiting. He thinks he’s got more time than he really has. And we unfortunately get to see it.

Tyler  19:45

Yeah. It’s sad for me because there have been many, many times, if we look at this on the other spectrum, where these men have said, I think I could probably figure this out on my own. I’m happy that we’ve had this conversation. I think I can take it from here. And to have them come back six months later and send me a message and say, you’re right, I should have done this. I messed up. And we went the one step forward, two steps backward too many times, and I’ve lost everything. My business doesn’t matter anymore to me. My friendships are broken because of the most important thing. I lost my family because I didn’t step up. I didn’t make that change, and I didn’t transform.

Doug Holt  20:32

Yeah, it breaks my heart to hear those stories. And we have some guys that still come through the program because they don’t want to do it again the second time, the third or the fourth time, whatever the case may be for them. So if there’s a guy listening to this who’s resonating with this is going crap, I’ve been performing right, and most of us guys do right.

And one thing I hear commonly, and I’ll just add this in there, is I can look at most men and say, you let other people in an inch deep to make them feel like they know you, but they don’t really know you. And all of a sudden, you see all the guys going, oh, crap. How do you know? Because I used to do the same thing.

Your wife’s feeling the same way you are, just performing. If you’re doing this, if this guy’s doing it in his marriage and he’s like, a crap, all right. I’m interested in really investigating, at least dipping my toes in the transformation space. What recommendation would you give to him?

Tyler  21:20

I mean, the obvious one is to connect with us. I’ll be honest with you. I’ve seen a lot of different things. I went to school to become a therapist. I’ve seen a lot of the value behind these different avenues. And this resonates with the men. This is very logical, and it makes sense, and it teaches you how to kind of communicate in the language of emotion that your wife wants to receive.

And you’re doing it from a place of logic, from your side, and the way that it makes sense for the men just to see light bulb after light bulb after light bulb. What do you have to lose to take that conversation? Why not reach out and see if we could provide a different path that you’ve never seen before? It’s worth potentially saving your marriage over, is it not?

Doug Holt  22:11

Yeah. I mean, it’s a no brainer to me, obviously, you and I get to see all the success stories that come through every day. If a guy’s listening to this and he wants to talk to you specifically or wants to talk to one of the advisors, and just see he’s a married businessman, right? Got to be a business owner and executive, and he’s like, look, I just want to investigate this. Let me find out if this is worthwhile or worth my time. What is that experience going to be like, and how can they do that?

Tyler  22:35

Yeah, the easiest way to do that is to reach out through the email vip@thepowerfulman.com through the website, you can also fill out a form to connect with us through the VIP channel. You can request to speak with Tyler if you feel like you’ve resonated with me. I’d be happy to have that conversation, of course.

But, yeah, what is that going to look like? I mean, we’re looking for men who are wanting to transform and just may not know how to do that. And that’s a very humble thing to do. And humility is something that’s very attractive to your wife as well. So stepping up and saying, I want to change, I’m just not sure how to do it, is one of the most attractive things that you can do to men in our world that have made that change before, and we can provide that path for you.

So your wife starts to see it, too. Not see it, not hear it, but really see it, because she wants to see you actually make that material change. So we’re just going to have a conversation. I’m going to explain to you very simply how it works, and we’re going to go from there.

Doug Holt  23:44

I love that. And let me break this down for the simple men like myself of why this works with your wife, even if you just get on a conversation. Because there’s trepidation, right? There’s trepidation getting on that phone call. And I was talking about this offline as a businessman myself, getting on those phone calls. I’ll come up with a million reasons not to. Right?

Take out the trash, whatever it is, and because there’s fear and trepidation there. But that’s what courage is. Courage is not, hey, I’m never scared. I read this book to my kid last night, which is interesting, but courage really is about being scared and doing the right thing anyway. And that’s what your wife wants to see. She wants her man to be courageous. Get on that phone call. It’s just a friggin conversation. Have a conversation. And then see where it goes for you. Is it the right fit? Is it not? No harm, no foul. Either way, every time, what I always hear is you give away insights to the men and they’ll walk away a better man regardless of the situation.

Tyler  24:40

Yeah. My lasting thought on that is if you take a look at your kids and your boys as they grow up, would you want them to be the same man that you are in this moment? And your little girls, do you want them? I’ve got a little girl. She’s a year old right now. I want her to marry somebody like me. And I can proudly say that I do. Before, a few years ago, before I’d found the powerful man, I don’t think I would say that I would have been okay. But can you look yourself in the mirror and say, my little girl, I would love to have her marry somebody just like me. Somebody who’s going to take care of her emotions. Why not have us be able to provide that path so your little girls don’t have to worry about that when they grow up?

Doug Holt  25:27

Love it, man. Thanks so much for being here. Really appreciate the time. Gentlemen, as we always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And if you are interested in talking to one of the advisors talking to Tyler here, go ahead and go to vip@thepowerfulman.com. Just open up your browser, type it in real quick, or you can go to the website, fill out the application, and you can get on.

And I’m telling you right now, I get there’s trepidation. I get you’re busy. I get that you don’t have any time in your schedule, but this is part of your problem. And so take that action, make that time, make it a priority, and step into being courageous, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM show.

All right, guys, that’s a wrap for this episode. But as I always say in the moment of insight, take massive action. You see, there are two types of men that listen to a podcast like this, those that go on from one podcast or show to another just hoping things are going to change and realizing that they’re going to be in the same place month after month, year after year.

You see, I was this guy so I completely get it. You may just not be ready. But there’s also a second man, a second man that listens to a show just like this. And this is a guy who takes massive action so they can shorten the learning curve, compress time, and get RESULTS to be the WOLF. See, WOLF is an acronym for Wise, Open, Loving, and Fierce.

Now ask yourself, which one am I? And just be honest with yourself there. And there’s no judgment on my end. But if you’re ready to move from deactivated DEER mode, which is Defend, Excuse, Explain, and React to activated WOLF, Wise, Open, Loving and Fierce, then go over to thepowerfulman.com/grow. And go there now. In fact, I’ll make it super easy for you. I will even put the link right in the description here so you can just click it and go over there now to learn more. Guys, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Go from deactivated to activated, because like I said, life is too short for average and I’ll see you on the next episode!