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A Woman’s Take: She’s Not Nagging – Discover What She’s Really Trying To Say

Episode #774

Ever wondered why women seem to nag or what lies beneath their seemingly persistent requests?

In this episode, Doug and Erin take a deep dive into the intricate dynamics between men and women in relationships

Discover that what might seem like nagging is, in reality, a bid for connection, and explore practical tips to foster positive communication, gratitude, and a stronger connection in your relationship.

In this episode, you’ll learn about the subtle shifts in roles, the importance of effective communication, understanding emotions, and expressing needs.

Hungry for more?

Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.

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Transcription

Doug Holt  00:00

Hey, guys. Welcome back to the TPM show. Once again, I’m joined by my beautiful wife, Erin. Erin, thanks for being here.

Erin  00:07

Hello. Hello.

Doug Holt  00:07

So, for the guys that haven’t seen this, haven’t seen a episode of you before, we’ve asked you to stay. So thanks for doing that. You’re not only my beautiful wife, but you’re the mother of our two children, and you’ve been a woman’s coach for over a decade. So also working with the wives of some of the men that go through the program. So you get to see multiple facets of these issues and provide a really interesting woman’s perspective.

Erin  00:28

I do.

Doug Holt  00:29

Yeah. So one of the things the guys talk about and every guy hates is a woman who nags. Right? And so what I want to talk today about is communication breakdowns. Breakdowns that happen and especially things that guys aren’t seeing in these communication breakdowns. And I’ve got some notes on my phone that I will use if I can, but the idea is to discover what their wife is really trying to say when she’s, quote, nagging, like, what’s happening there?

Erin  00:56

Okay.

Doug Holt  0:57

The first thing I want to talk about is the importance of actually listening, active listening, if you will, and empathy around those.

Erin  01:05

Okay. Yeah. So it’s a skill, right, to listen. And it’s a really think about anybody that you’ve ever had a conversation with. Like, let’s just remove husband and wife for a minute. But when you’re talking to them, you’re like, oh, my gosh, I feel like the only person in the room right now. I feel so important. And that is such a wonderful feeling. And you feel seen, you feel gotten, you feel understood. It just brings out the best in you, and you’re just like, wow. Thank you. It’s honestly pretty rare that that can happen, right?

So what that person on the other side is doing is they are in your world, right? They’re asking wonderful questions. They’re looking you in the eye. Their energy is open to you. Like, look, all these are skills are wonderful when we’re all not triggered, right? And it’s just a really good touch point to be like, how do I want to feel when I’m sharing things or talking about things or have tough conversations, right? So it’s like, kind of the golden rule. Treat people how you want to be treated.

Doug Holt  02:13

Do you want to others as they will do for you? When we talk about active listening at the powerful man, we have a whole thing we teach, which is called the hidden motives technique. And in March, we’ll be releasing a whole course on this, which is much deeper than active listening. Yeah, it’s much, much deeper. But do you think sometimes in a relationship, you can feel the other person checking out in the communication? Right. You can notice their eyes, you can kind of feel the energy. We all had that experience. You’re talking to somebody and then all of a sudden they’re not there and you’re like, okay, they’re not interested. Do you think that causes a lot of issues within the marriage that can result in resentment, thus nagging?

Erin  02:55

Yes. I wanted to say something about I for sure listening is super important, but nagging, whatever, every Nag or whatever you want to call it, is a bid for connection.

Doug Holt  03:08

Yeah.

Erin  03:09

Probably not done in the most effective way or the best way. That feels good for everyone, but it can be a really underneath it. What is the bid for connection?

Doug Holt  03:15

Kind of like our three year old headbutted me in the nuts last night. Yes. Apparently I was paying attention to my six year old, our son, and next thing you know, I get a headbutt right in the nuts.

Erin  03:28

She wanted your attention.

Doug Holt  03:30

She got it.

Erin  03:31

Yeah, kind of like that. But just like, if there’s any woman listening to this, and I know this was a big shift, why I teach a lot of this to the women that I coach is like, okay, so we have these bids for connections. It can show up as a complaint, right? That doesn’t land well. It’s kind of like getting headed in the balls by three year olds where it’s like, let me think of an example. Whenever he comes in the door, he doesn’t make me feel special. All of a sudden, he’s just like, talking about all the logistics and things that need to get done, and I don’t even feel seen. He doesn’t even care about me. So if I said that like that to you, you’d just be like, not feeling great.

So a way, like, speaking to women and there was men on here that I teach is like, you can turn a complaint and into a productive way of getting your needs met is you can say, what I need from you is when you get home, I would love for you to walk up to me, look me in the eye, pull me in, give me a hug, and give me a real kiss. What that would provide for me is to be able to be in my feminine and melt into you and be able to have fun with you when you get home after a long day of work. Does that feel different?

Doug Holt  04:43

Oh, it’s much different. I think it’s much more advanced communication skills, that that’s the way people should communicate. Right. Most people just aren’t there yet because they’ve never been taught. We learn from our parents, we learn from TV and people around us. Oftentimes what I’ll tell the guys is they’ll come back to me like Doug. She says she just doesn’t feel safe around me or emotionally safe. I’ll say, what does that look like for her to feel emotionally safe? I don’t know. Ask her. Right? Ask her. And so I’m kind of prompting the guys. You can also say, if your wife says, well, I don’t feel connected or whatever. Okay, paint the picture like a movie scene of what do you need to feel connected? What does connection look like to you? Because oftentimes the guys don’t know, and so they’re going to try all kinds of different things that work for them or they think work, or they’re going to watch a show or something and go, okay.

Doug comes home and slaps Erin in the a** in the kitchen, gives her a kiss, and then he’s never done that before to his, you know, they’re in a bad place. So he comes in, smacks his wife in the a**, and she just goes off on him like, what do you think? You’re da. So that’s why I want the guys to get the context of ask your wife what it looks like to be connected rather than trying to guess, because guessing doesn’t work all the time.

Erin  06:04

Yeah. And it will shift and change over the years, which is also sometimes just stopping even. Remember, like, what do I actually need for my partner to feel connected to all the things that we want desired?

Doug Holt  06:19

This goes both ways.

Erin  06:21

Yeah, 100%.

Doug Holt  06:22

Right. I think for guys I know for me, at least, it didn’t feel masculine to ask for what I wanted. One is, I expected you to know, you should just know what I want. Right?

Erin  06:31

Oh, yeah. We all were taught.

Doug Holt  06:33

That’s your job. You should just know.

Erin  06:37

Leads to failure.

Doug Holt  06:38

Oh, yeah, totally. So you have the expectation that you should just know. But two, asking for what I want, like, hey, I just need a hug. Right? That doesn’t sound manly. So therefore, I won’t ask for it. Right? And puts me in more of a beta state. But the truth is, because it’s scary to ask for it, you’re actually more in an alpha state if you do it anyway. That’s courageous. So courage is being scared and doing something anyway.

Erin  07:06

Yeah. I think it’s a really big gift we can give to our partners when we tell them what we need because we all show up. I used to think that, too. Like, he should just know. The fact that he doesn’t know means he doesn’t care. And then I would just be mad because I wouldn’t get my needs met.

Doug Holt  07:19

Yes.

Erin  07:20

And then the cycle continues. Right? And you are in the same role. But I think it’s actually a huge gift to let your partner know what you need. It’s the opposite of what you said is weakness. It’s very courageous to be in tune with what you need and be able to talk about it in a way where it’s a win-win. Constructive.

Doug Holt  07:36

Yeah. And when guys learn that skill, that’s like the fast track. Really. Again, we call it the hidden motives technique, but it’s the fast track to success.

Erin  07:45

Yeah. Like I mentioned before, I kind of teach women how to ask for what they need in a way where it doesn’t feel like a complaint.

Doug Holt  07:54

Yeah. And I think the energy. So when you, for example, when you tell me what you need and the energy around the way that you say it isn’t a criticism because it can come across as a criticism. Like, if you and I are arguing, we’re in a bad place, we’re stressed, we’re tired. It can just be communicated in a way that’s not effective. Right?

And it can come across as a critique or a criticism of what I’m doing. Then, as a man, I could take it on, like, as not good enough. Like, I’m not good enough. Therefore it’s a problem. Then resentment builds. So there has to be the delivery and the timing of that to be effective.

Erin  08:26

100%. Yeah. We’re all really sensitive to tone and body language, which I know you’re learning a lot about right now. So it’s whether we can just be like, it just doesn’t feel good. Right? I hear what you’re saying, but it doesn’t feel good. You’re right. It just really matters on how you present it for it to be effective.

Doug Holt  08:45

Yeah. Presentation is everything. What is it? 6%, I believe, of all communications. Verbal might be seven, but it’s like six or 7% of all communications. Actually, the words we say. The rest is tonality, energy, body language, et cetera. And I think for men, the men that we work with are businessmen. We’re very logical. We’re looking for tools, and what we mistakenly do is just focus on the words.

Erin  09:11

Right. And then coming back to that tied into how you show up, it also is like listening. Coming back to listening. All of this really comes back to respect right. Like respecting the way you present yourself to your partner, which I sometimes I think it gets in the midst of all the stresses of life, I get lost, like, oh, I’m just going to tell them what I need because it’s just easier just vomited on them and now they know, right? And it’s just like, would we do that in a business meeting? Probably not, right? So it’s just like respectful listening and really understanding. If you listen from a place of respect for your partner, you just listen differently. Everybody feels it, right?

Doug Holt  09:52

Yeah, it’s very true. And this is why so many communications can be lost via text message, SMS, oh, God. Or social media messaging.

Erin  10:01

Give the example of yesterday. So I was leaving yesterday after we did podcast, and I was like, okay, so I’ll be here tomorrow from one to three, right? And you were like, no, we’re doing one to three podcasts. And I was like, oh, that was lost in translation of text.

Doug Holt  10:23

And I’m going through something right now in business where I’ve been going back and forth with an hour with a couple of the coaches and there’s been mistranslations. And luckily we were laughing about it, like, hey, let’s just jump on a call because it’s getting some temperature. It is definitely not working. And it’s just the misunderstandings and things like that can come up. Now, a lot of guys, and this is what drives me nuts with a lot of the men that I talk to, whether it be friends, clients, whoever is, it’s just easier to send an email because you have time to think about it, the right words, or it’s easier to send that text message or respond. Right. Because your partner is sending you something, it triggers you and you want to respond to it. So you respond rather than just taking back and waiting for a time to have that conversation. And to your point, a nag is.

Erin  11:04

A bid for connection.

Doug Holt  11:06

Bid for connection. And if men can see a nag as a bid for connection, they can turn that into a positive.

Erin  11:11

Like, what does she really need right now? Yeah, it’s always connection.

Doug Holt  11:14

We call it a shit test. Yeah, but it’s a similar type of idea. That’s what’s commonly called in the men’s coaching space or a fitness test. But yeah, it’s a bid for connection. And how can you take that bid for connection? Well, I’m not asking this, but the trick is how do you take that bid for connection and turn it into connection? Rather than a negative thing you can.

Erin  11:36

Say, what do you really need right now?

Doug Holt  11:39

Yeah, I’d say this is not really about me, what’s really going on, or joke or make her laugh or give her the connection that she wants in a fun way like you used to. And that could be a hard thing. Right? Because sometimes if I think you’re nagging and I’m not in a good spot, let’s go back ten years. I’m in a bad place. I think you’re nagging. I’m going to go back at you and say something that’s going to get you upset. You’re going to say something back to me. And that cycle, we’re both p***** at each other and you’re saying fu. Basically in your head, not to me. And I’m saying the same thing. And there goes another day, week of disconnection.

Erin  12:15

Yeah, that was our cycle. Very. Yeah. Thank goodness we broke that. Yeah. There is the art of pause. Right?

Doug Holt  12:21

Yeah.

Erin  12:22

Like, hey, I really need space. But also ending the site. Like, we will come back and talk to this. I need 20 minutes to go outside, take a walk.

Doug Holt  12:28

Yes. Can I add a key thing here? So what I’m trying to do is everything you’re saying is 100% correct. I’m just trying to break it down for the guys because I know after coaching so many of these men, the key here, what you said and you taught me this was important to you, so you made this request to me and that’s how I learned this is closing the loop. You’re like, hey, it’s okay to take a pause, but what I need to know that we are going to have that conversation and when it is going to happen.

So you just said it very eloquently, but a lot of men aren’t going to pick that up or women, quite honestly. So, hey, we’re going to have a pause and we’re going to come back to this because it might be important to the other person. We’re going to come back to this Saturday or whatever time it is.

Erin  13:10

Yeah. For the purpose of it being more productive.

Doug Holt  13:12

Yes. Then you can walk away. Right? But don’t just storm out of the door, slam the door because you’re going to create more distance and resentment. Yeah. Awesome. So in looking at that, I got a couple of other points that I wrote down before we sat down and did this. What are some other common communication pitfalls that happen that men specifically don’t tend to notice?

Erin  13:39

Good question.

Doug Holt  13:43

Give you one example that. Yeah, I’ll give you an example. I hear from women is women will drop hints and men won’t do it. Another example is we do a very deep, advanced process during one of our events. And most of the time, the men there will say something to the fact of, holy s***. She’s been trying to tell me this for years. I just didn’t notice.

And then it’s like the puzzle pieces all fall together. It’s a very advanced process we do with the guys. The puzzle pieces all come together for them, and then it’s almost the guys describe as they can see the matrix and they can now put together all the pieces their wife was dropping for them, but it wasn’t landing. What are some of the other things like that that women tend to do? Like the hints.

Erin  14:30

Okay. Just from a woman’s perspective, we can see the best version of our man always, like, we know your potential. We see the best in you. We know the truest true of you. And when you aren’t, in our opinion, like, living up to that or living into it, that’s when we’re like, hey, how about you try this? Or, hey, how about you follow through on this thing you thought about doing last year? Or da da da da da, right? Which, granted, sometimes we don’t present it in the best way, but when we’re giving our men our thoughts, feelings, opinions, it’s usually from the place of, we see the best in you, and in our opinion, you’re not living up to it. So it’s from a place of love, of, like, we know you get more in there. And at the same time, I believe that sometimes it cannot be presented well, so it’s probably not heard.

Doug Holt  15:37

Well, yeah, no, it can be. I mean, that can show up not just in verbal communication, but it could be like gift spot, right? Holiday gifts, birthday gifts. If your wife all of a sudden starts buying different food at the house or doing different behaviors that are related, that will directly affect you as the man. That might also be a hint.

Erin  16:00

Yeah, I agree. If you have more to say on that, go ahead.

Doug Holt  16:06

Yeah, excuse me, I’ll elaborate on it. And when I’m always on this show, I’m always thinking as if I’m talking to one of our coaching clients a little bit. So I want to explain over explain it so they really get it. You can look at, well, we just had the Christmas season come up, or Hanukah or depending on your religious views, whatever season is, gift giving season, we’ll just call it that just came up. And so you can look back and look at the gifts that your wife gave you. You can look at birthday gifts previously she gave you and see if there’s a theme.

If all of a sudden you put on weight and your wife all of a sudden is changing buying chips at the grocery store, if assuming your wife does the grocery shopping in this occasion and she’s buying, I don’t know, she’s buying celery sticks and putting them out in the counter. And just little subtle hints because I think a lot of times what happens early stages more for women than men is women drop a lot of subtle hints and anticipate their man’s going to pick up on them until it gets to the point where she’s so frustrated that she’s like, I’m tired of this.

Erin  17:12

Yeah. So a little bit of behind the scenes, what could be going on is both biologically and culturally, we’re kind of conditioned to not be displeasing to our main provider and protector, who is our man. So we will try and do it in ways that are like, hey, just an idea I had. So we don’t seem displeasing. Right?

So that’s where maybe can get to the point, like you’re saying she’s been doing it in a way where it seems like not that big of a deal, really. Because she doesn’t want to be displeasing to you because if she’s displeasing, she may lose her protector and provider. Right? But then it gets to a point years in, where it’s like, dude, wake up. Right?

Doug Holt  17:56

Yeah. Let’s both go for a waxing. I’m just going to miss that appointment. And you’re going to get your back waxed. Yeah. Here’s a gift certificate. And it could be all areas. And as I’m saying this out loud, I’m going, okay, going back through our history and looking at hints that you’ve dropped for me that have either picked up on or haven’t picked up on and connecting those dots. But are there any other kind of, you said something very key that I think men need to understand is that most women consciously or unconsciously, look at their man as the provider and protector. I know this is off topic, but talk a little bit more about this because what does that mean to you personally and the women that you’ve worked with so that the men can understand that concept?

Erin  18:46

Okay. As women, when we’re in a relationship with her, we’re talking about men and women. We are always attuned to our man biologically. We just are. We’re always aware of you. Your energy, your tone, your body language, what you’re doing, what you’re not doing. It’s not that we are even 100% consciously doing it. It’s just the way we are biologically made.

So we’re always attuned because you are our provider, our protector, just literally, from a physical standpoint, you guys have, like, 15 to 30 times more testosterone, so you are stronger. We are always going to be just relatively all relative. Like, we do not have the strength that you have. On some level, this is a whole conversation, but there is some sort of thread that can exist, and I’m just a blanket statement here that can exist of an unfilling feeling, not safe with women from many, many, many generations of different levels of abuse of power, different types of abuse. Right?

So we’re always attuned to you because you are the person to protect us. And when we are disconnected, it feels really unsafe to us because it’s like, will he protect me? Will he save me? And I’ve talked about this, and I remember when you learned about it, you were like, what? I don’t even think like this.

As women, when we go out, we’re constantly scanning for predators. Literally, like, is there a scary man in the corner? Is there somebody who’s here who could attack me? I’m always scanning a room. I’m always scanning. When I step out of my car, never mind. I have my children. It’s a whole another level. But, for example, like, Doug travels a lot. When Doug’s at home, if I hear a sound at night in the middle of don’t, I’m like, whatever, I’m good. My protector’s here. He’s going to handle it.

When Doug is gone, I have my two children in the house. I am now the protector of everyone. I hear a noise. I am like, alert. All my endorphins are running. I am running on all of them, like, walking out there, and I’m just like, scared shitless. But in charge of this role that I don’t want to be in charge of, but he is not there. So I am now in charge of this, like, protecting our children and myself. So that’s just, like, a really obvious difference. And a whole conversation that I have with women that I coach is learning how to be in relationship with your man. So he doesn’t have to protect himself from you, but he can put his energy in protecting you. Very big difference.

Doug Holt  21:36

That’s a huge difference.

Erin  21:39

Yeah. So that’s a whole another conversation, I think. But, yeah. Men, we really admire you and honor you, and for you to be in a role of protecting us and providing for us, it’s a really big honor. And as women, we get to remember that appreciating that can go a long way.

Doug Holt  22:00

Yeah, sure can.

Erin  22:03

Sure can.

Doug Holt  22:04

I love to follow up on that previous statement, because I’ve never heard you say that before on how you work with the women. Say it one more time.

Erin  22:11

So how you can be in relationship with your man. So he’s not using his energy to protect himself from you, but he’s using his energy to protect you.

Doug Holt  22:18

I love that. I mean, I got to imagine every guy listening to this like me is like, that’s what we want.

Erin  22:26

Yeah. You’re wired for that.

Doug Holt  22:28

Yeah, we want to protect our women. I think a lot of guys feel like they’re protecting themselves from their woman, and that creates such a disbalance. Right. In society. But, yeah, that’s a whole another subject. I’d love to touch base more on that, and I know all the guys would love to hear more than that. But I have one more note that I just wanted to go over to make sure is what are some strategies from a woman’s point of view that a man can express his feelings, all of them, but let’s just say in particularly frustration and things of that nature effectively.

Erin  23:06

How can he express his feelings effectively?

Doug Holt  23:07

Yeah. Not just joy and happiness.

Erin  23:12

Right, right. Yeah. We all have the range, right. Doug’s only happy, by the way, guys. He’s always joyous. Ball of joy.

Doug Holt  23:19

Just ask everybody around me when I’m there.

Erin  23:23

Colton’s laughing his face off.

Doug Holt  23:25

Only when I’m there, though, I’ll ask him.

Erin  23:28

Look, again, it is a skill, right? We’re not taught these skills, but the way I like to break it down, and it’s not like a knock at anyone, but think about how we would talk to our children. Literally, you’re almost reparenting yourself in a way through parenting your children, right? Yeah. So it’s like communicating effectively. I’ll get back a little bit more to your point, but I have to explain, like we say to our kids, like, hey, you’re allowed to be mad.

You’re allowed to be frustrated, but you can’t hit, right? So it’s the same thing with your emotions. When you’re like, I’m coming back to being a man. It’s okay to be angry, be angry, be frustrated, but it’s not okay to be disrespectful. Call names. Put her down. Right? That’s like the equivalent of your kid hitting you. Right? Because they are so frustrated.

Doug Holt  24:17

Yeah.

Erin  24:18

So it’s like, okay, let’s figure out what’s an effective way. One of the things. What do you want to say?

Doug Holt  24:24

No, I’m listening to you and it’s all reminding me of a book you recommended to me. And now I recommend to a lot of the men called good inside.

Erin  24:32

Yeah, that’s a good one. Yeah, really good book.

Doug Holt  24:34

And I secretly tell the guys, hey, listen to this for your kids. There you go, guys. Now you know my secret. And then a lot of the guys realize like, oh, crap, I’m still behaving this way myself. Yeah, I didn’t mean to interrupt you.

Erin  24:50

No, it’s okay.

Doug Holt  24:51

It popped in my head.

Erin  24:53

That book really goes into how to repair yourself well so you can parent well, but also be a really good partner. You’re learning how to validate feelings and. Shoot, I forgot the point. I was going to say before you interrupted me, I will come back.

Doug Holt  25:09

I just had this natural. I do this natural thing with my hand when I’m thinking of something, but also it’s the same thing. Hold on.

Erin  25:14

I’m attuned.

Doug Holt  25:15

I’m like, I know you are. You reacted much faster than I thought. I was just doing that more for me of like, I got a good point. I want to bring up. So sorry to throw you off track, but you were talking about the ways that. How we get to catch ourselves. Right?

Just like you tell your kids it’s okay to be angry and upset. You can’t go hit somebody and do that. I think where you’re going with that is we also, as men and as women, but speaking specifically to this audience of men, we are responsible for the way our communication lands on somebody else.

Erin  25:48

Yeah, like taking responsibility of your feelings so you can do like, just like, hey, I’m super p***** off right now and I know I’m not going to be able to talk about it in a good way. We definitely want to talk about this. When’s a good time to talk about it, right. So setting aside specific time to deal with whatever needs to get dealt with is a really mature way to do it.

So you can show up both knowing, okay, we’re coming to this meeting to talk about this thing that’s been an issue that’s caused a lot of pain and everything for us, but we’re going to come up in a way to talk about it where we’re like clear headed. Let’s get in solution mode. Let’s get in heal mode. Not just like, I’m p*****. Let’s talk about this. Drop everything you’re doing because I got s*** to say. It’s not going to work. Well, never does. You want it to. Really want it to.

Doug Holt  26:32

Just listen to me. And if you do what I say, everybody will be happy.

Erin  26:35

But I find it really effective if it’s just like one of those things. If you can set aside like this needs to get talked about, it’s probably going to take about 15 minutes. When’s a good time for you?

Doug Holt  26:44

Yeah. And also write down maybe some bullet points that you want to talk about. And you can even preface this to your partner. But take some time yourself to let your nerves calm down. Same thing you would do, like you said, in business, right? If you’re going back and forth, just take a step away, go outside, get some fresh air. Do the best you can to change your state. Before we got in this recording, I had a message that came across my phone from somebody that really p***** me off.

And Colton, who does all the video production here, was like, hey, your three year old daughter’s in the other room. Because I told him, I was like, I got to go change my state before we start recording this because I was p*****. And I went and saw you and Aspen, our daughter, and it totally changes. But you need to take that space sometimes to actually change your state.

But you got to be conscious of it, right? So I was conscious that I wasn’t in the mood to have a fun conversation on a podcast because somebody p***** me off, and I don’t like to get p***** off. So you change your state. The same thing you do, though, in communication, in a marriage or relationship, right? If I upset you or you upset me, it’s our responsibility. If we can’t write the ship right away with our emotions, to step away, take a breath, change our state of mind and come back.

Erin  28:07

Yeah. And I also think I’m speaking directly to myself. Right in the mirror for this one is notice, particularly when we’re mad or p***** off or hurt or all the things that are going to happen in a long term relationship, I think. What’s one of the things? When I started being like, stop pretending that you weren’t going to hurt me or p*** me off or cause tension or whatever. I’ve upset you, right?

But like, okay, in long term partnership, there’s always going to be things that need to get worked on. I was like, okay. That relieved amount of tension in my body, but also just stop. And two different avenues. Take responsibility for yourself, your actions, what created whatever situation. Like you for sure played a role.

And then also the big one, which is like, the big guns that I’m talking right to myself is like, notice your thoughts inside of your head about your partner, because if they’re real, not nice. Wait a minute, then I’m sure they can feel that. And also, the way you’re thinking about your partner is the way your energy towards them, it’s the way it’s going to come off. It’s a really big skill to be able to stop those thoughts and turn them around.

Doug Holt  29:27

Let me get this straight. You’re talking to yourself in the mirror, having bad thoughts about your partner that are really hard not to have.

Erin  29:36

Well, no, it’s like, I got the hint. When you’re mad at me, I know you’re not thinking, oh, she’s so sexy.

Doug Holt  29:42

Always am. Because you always are sexy.

Erin  29:44

Yeah, but you know what I mean, though? I think that’s an advanced skill to be like, stop that and be like, you know what? These thoughts are not serving me. These thoughts are not creating the outcome I actually want. These thoughts are actually getting me the opposite of what I want. It’s like to stop and pause is another look. What’s going inside your head? What’s going on in that brain.

Doug Holt  30:03

Yeah. Well, I mean, I think the best way for me, at least, I’m talking to myself in the mirror now, so to speak, is a practice of gratefulness, which can be hard in those moments. And so what I tell the guys I work with is, even if you’re p*****, if you have kids, just be grateful that she’s a good mom or that she at least had your kids, find some small thing, the smallest thing to be grateful for, because that small act of gratefulness can be the snowball to have another thing.

Well, you know what? Actually, she’s not a complete bee, right? She’s not horrible person. Because reality, she does take good care of the kids, even if I don’t like her right now. Okay, well, that’s good. That’s something to be nice for. And then you can snowball into, well, she is actually an amazing person, and we’re just at a point right now we’re not seeing eye to eye. Right?

So, so many jokes I want to throw out there that would be totally inappropriate, but would be totally me at the same time. That’s the hard line of being the authentic me and also being receptive as we go through it. Well, if you can think of, let’s leave these guys with a couple of things they can think of. One nugget. I know you’ve given probably 100 here during this. And guys I recommend that you go back and listen to this multiple times. I know they’re going to be playing. That one thing that. The one thing you said.

Erin  31:24

Do you want me to say it again?

Doug Holt  31:25

I know exactly what it is. Sure. Say it again.

Erin  31:28

For women to learn how to be in relationship with their men so that they aren’t protecting themselves from her, but using their energy to be her protector.

Doug Holt  31:37

Yeah. If that’s what you teach the wives, then, I mean, I think you’re going to get a lot of phone calls. So let’s give one tip each and closing out that the guys can think of, they’re like, okay, I want one thing from Erin, one thing from Doug that I can take into my marriage right now around communication.

Erin  31:56

Let me see one tip. One tip.

Doug Holt  32:00

Don’t take mine.

Erin  32:02

Yeah, I’m going to come back to the first thing. Pop my head is be responsible for knowing what you need. So you can communicate to your partner what you need so she can give it to you or he can give it to you and then needs get met. And then that, just like you mentioned before, it’s like a snowball effect. It’s like, oh, wow, I’m feeling so much more connected. I feel so much more seen. She’s totally being my needs. It makes me want to do this.

And then it just creates an environment where needs are getting met, where there’s a happier individuals, happier couple, happier household instead of the tit for tat stuff that can happen. So know your needs. Be responsible for your needs and communicating them.

Doug Holt  32:38

Yeah. Write them down first. Right. Maybe. Because I think a lot of people don’t know their needs. Right?

Erin  32:41

I believe that as well.

Doug Holt  32:43

Yeah, you’re 100% correct. The second thing, the one I’ll give to the guys, is realize that nagging is a bid for attention…

Erin  32:54

Connection.

Doug Holt  32:55

Connection. Excuse me? Nagging is a bid for connection. I was thinking about our daughter and guys, I’ll give you a second one if you want a good laugh. Just picture me standing there and getting headbutt by a three year old girl right in the nuts. Boy, did that hurt. Boom. Right there. So awesome. So thanks so much for taking the time today. I know you got a lot in your schedule and I really appreciate you being here again.

Erin  33:17

Thank you.

Doug Holt  33:18

Gentlemen. As we say in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on the TPM show!