If your wife could change ONE thing about you, what do you think it would be?
What does it mean to be a man of your words?
A lot of guys make commitments and promises to their wife, to their family, and to themselves – then constantly break them or fail to follow through. Your identity to her will become a man she cannot trust.
When you lose these “micro-commitments” and someone can’t trust you, it’s like the emotional bank account is bankrupt.
Recognize the pattern you’re in, stop trying to do more to be better, and realize that you’re on the right path with The Activation Method.
In this episode – how to have better communication, how to be the man of your words, how to make your wife feel taken, the power of the Triad of Connection during The Activation Method, and the 3 key action steps to take today.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Doug Holt 0:00
For a lot of guys, it is when they make commitments and promises, and a lot of them are to their wives to their families, but also themselves, and they’re consistently breaking them or not following through. So it may be something as simple as, Hey, babe, I’ll take out the trash. She might ask, would you take out the trash? Oh, yeah, I’ll get it in just a little bit and finish the game. Cool. The game goes on, and you’re enjoying it, relaxing. And then something else comes up. Long story short, the trash never gets taken out. Just forget. That’s just a little tip on the integrity Mark sheet. Hello, everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host Tim The Powerful Man Matthews. How you doin’ brother?
Tim Matthews 0:43
Come on, stop.
Doug Holt 0:46
Yes, you are. Yes, you are.
Tim Matthews 0:49
Let the listeners in on why we are saying that? I’m unstoppable.
Doug Holt 0:53
Yeah, so what we did, we’re doing training for the men in The Brotherhood and the inner circle, which is our two of our one-year mastermind and coaching groups that we have. And we’re doing training, we’re on unconscious commitments and how to take off the brakes, release the brakes in your life. And one of the things we talked about is how words matter; what you say matters. So if you walk around always saying, I’m tired, I’m tired. You become more tired. Or if you walk around saying, I’m so mad, and I’m so mad. You become a more angry person, a more angry human. And most people accept that not everybody, but most people accept it, certainly people in psychology and most science, and coaches because we see it so much. So with that frame, if you accept that to be true, your words become things, especially the ones you repeat repeatedly can become things. Then I talked to everybody about what I did for our staff on this too. When do people say, How are you? What would most people say? Am I good? I’m okay. Yeah, I’m great, maybe, but they’re what you’re doing is you’re creating an identity for yourself. I’m okay. I’m all right. You’re creating the identity of I’m okay. And I’m all right. And how many times you repeat that a day, 567 20 times in a day. And over years and decades, you start to realize, yeah, you’re just okay. That’s your identity. You’re just alright. So, I started coming in and always saying, I’m unstoppable. And it became kind of a joke within the leadership team, because people everybody, you get into this habit virtually to hear and expect to hear, hey, Tim, how are you doing? And you’re supposed to say, I’m doing good, how are you? I said I’m good. Then we move on to the conversation without a lot of forethought into it. So when I started saying when people said, Hey, how are you? I say, unstoppable, and I’m unstoppable. It kind of became a joke, and everybody started laughing and getting it. But I think it’s an important thing to come up with. Who are you? Who is Tim Matthews? Who is Doug Holt? And as a listener, who are you? As a man?
Tim Matthews 3:05
Yeah. I could remember; it reminds me of walking into the gym before COVID. And people at reception. Tell me, how are you doing, Tim? I’m Awesome. I even think about it just because I’ve seen this. After people would say, oh, wow, why are they’d be a bit caught off guard by it? But I just did. I used to feel great. And it’s interesting when I hear myself respond, I’m good. I’m okay. That is actually how I feel then. So it’s interesting to note now if you can kind of create a bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy as well, or it can be a great reflection of where you’re at. Because in those times that I’ve said, Yeah, I’m good. I’m okay. It’s because I felt okay. I’ve not felt awesome. I’ve not felt great. So it’s an opportunity for me to be like, Okay, why is that? What can I do to shift it? So, anyway? There’s some of that like to talk with you about today, Mr. Holt.
Doug Holt 4:13
By the way, I’m unstoppable today, Tim; thanks for asking.
Tim Matthews 4:16
I don’t guess I’m so open to this topic or half.
Doug Holt 4:23
I don’t know what it is. But always open up a conversation with you.
Tim Matthews 4:27
Okay, good. I was going to see if you’re willing to take the risk. If you’re unstoppable. You’re willing to take the risk.
Doug Holt 4:32
Tim Matthews 4:32
Nothing stops you. So yeah, I put a post in the Facebook community last night. I asked the guys if I was to ask your wife, what’s the number one thing you change about your husband? What would she say? And it was interesting the response that we got from a lot of the guys, and there were three that stood out to me because there is a bit of a theme going on. It was the theme around communication, then better at communicating, which, as we all know, is kind of vague. We’re communicating what we’re. So I asked the guys for some clarity around that and some good conversation going back and forth. So that was one being better at communication. The second one has been a man of my word, which the guys all said in different ways. And the third one was for them to take their wives. Right. And the reason why I wanted to talk about this is that I’m sure the listeners add me thinking, Okay, well, if Amelia was asked, what was one thing she would change about me? I’ve asked her this question. So as you guys listen, I’m kind of curious about what’s going off in your mind. If I was to ask your wife, was the number one thing she changed about you? What would you say? Maybe it is No. But anyway, the better communication piece, and being a man of my word piece, the one around just taking your wife wants to dive into these three? Because they are linked. But I also want to dissect them individually because I think they’re so important, especially the latter two. So do I dive in?
Doug Holt 6:14
Yeah, let’s do it.
Tim Matthews 6:15
Wait. So let’s start with a man of my word, one. So what do you think about that one? In terms of the listeners, Doug may resonate and say, okay, I relate to that. Or maybe they think, and that’s not a problem for me, I’m a man of my word. What does it mean to you to be a man of your word?
Doug Holt 6:33
Well, first, I want to take a step back and set the scene here; what probably is going on? Right? So we get married, and we get married at the height of our love, or dopamine is kicked in at the highest levels. And he let little things slide, toilet seats, toothpaste on the counter, all that little stuff because she’s hot. Because you love her, you want to be with her. And over time, those things start to become annoyances. Why can’t you just put the toilet seat up or down for the women talking to the guys? They’re no longer funny. They become annoyances, and they add up. And one of the things that add up for many guys is when they make commitments and promises. And a lot of them are to their wives to their families, but also themselves. And they’re consistently breaking them and are not following through. So it may be something as simple as, Hey, babe, I’m going to take out the trash, she might ask, would you take out the trash today? Oh, yeah, I’ll get it in just a little bit. I’m going to finish the game. Cool. And the game goes on, you’re enjoying it and relaxing. And then something else comes up in a phone call from a buddy, and you take that, and anyway, long story short, the trash never gets taken out because you just forget you get distracted. And that’s part of life. That’s just a little tick on the integrity Mark sheet for her. And over time, these little ticks happen to be dishes. But these are also self-promises. Right? what I’m going to do, I’m going to start running tomorrow, every day, I’m going to run 5k. And then the next day comes, and you didn’t sleep very well. So the running shoes you got around the UK, the trainers, they get, they stay on the shelf, and they collect more dust, and it just doesn’t happen. And she sees this. It’s another tick. The promises you’re making to yourself and promises you’re making to her little ones fall through. And over time to her, she can’t trust that you’re going to do what you say. Right? And usually, this happens to him when there’s an explosion. Again, she says she comes home, and she asks you to take the trash out, you say I’m going to do it. You forget, whatever happens, she comes home and then it turns into a big fight. She becomes cold and distant. And then you try to ask her What’s wrong? She says nothing. What’s wrong? Nothing. And then she explains, look, you didn’t take out the trash. You said you’re going to take out the trash. Last week, you said you’re going to do the dishes. What’s going on there? And then you said you’re going to do this. You didn’t show up, or date night, you’re going to take me out, but we never went out. Right? So you ended up staying at work? You get the idea. These things start to do what we call stalking. They’re little things that stack and stack and stack into your identity. Kind of like us being unstoppable. Your identity to her is a man she cannot trust to do what he says he will do. Right? Remember, there are two sides to this. There are things that you say that you’re going to do for her. Again, taking out the trash date nights, maybe it’s picking up the kids going grocery shopping, whatever. Or maybe it’s an I’m going to cook every once a week, and you just forget you just don’t cook once a week. Well, whatever is going to the house. The second part of these promises you make to yourself. For many of you guys and a lot of us, our partner, a wife, is our best friend and confidant. Now we may have fallen out of that role over time, but she’s the one you share your dreams with or the one you used to anyway, and I’m going to start this job or this project or this business. I’m going to build this In the house, and I’m going to do this kind of construction. I’m going to get my body back, my strength back, I’m going to learn French, Italian, whatever it is, and you share these dreams and things you’re going to do with her. But it never happens. Again adding another tick to the lack of integrity board. And so that’s what happens, Tim, for a lot of these guys. Sometimes it’s a major thing. There’s infidelity, cheating. There’s mismanagement of money, gambling drugs, that you get the idea, there’s major, but I would say based on my experience in the 1000s, of guys we’ve worked with when we hear this from the men, and then also as my wife, who coaches, women, we hear from her side, it’s these micro lies that add up until finally, she comes up with the identity for you, as the guy as a guy, she just can’t trust to do what he says it can do. It happens a lot of times, and it’s Yeah, I just can’t trust you’re following through, that’s the same thing I can’t trust you to do what you say you’re going to do, I can’t rely on you is another way it might come out. And it shows up as distance. It shows up as distance. It shows up as her stopping to ask you to help out. And then she takes on a more masculine role in the relationship that’s going out of her feminine. And you either have to take a beta role as the man, which most of us do, because we don’t want to conflict, we don’t be a jerk, or you have to rise and reclaim that alpha role. And there are two ways to do that. Which we can talk about later if you want to.
Tim Matthews 11:27
Yeah, I’d love that. Yeah, he raised great points. And this is why I don’t think communication is the biggest thing, the wife changes, and I think sometimes the woman doesn’t know what the problem is, either. Right? So she might say it’s communication. But the lack or the breakdown in communication that might come from her frustration might also be the fact that she has to step in, as you’ve said, and become more of the alpha and make decisions and pay the bills or whatever it might be because the guy isn’t there. And then he shows up in an argument, and hey, we should communicate better? Why’d you say this, but it’s not about that. It’s about the fact that she doesn’t feel like you are, that she doesn’t feel like you’re a man of your word. And yeah, I think another pattern here, I would say, is that many guys that come to us anyway don’t know what they want, so they’ve kind of fallen into the trap. And this goes to not maintaining promises to themselves. They have fallen into the trap of just kind of coasting through life. They’ve become a bit burnt out and a bit exhausted because they were just trying to keep all the space plates spinning, putting out fires, as well as being in business, being at home, and being healthy. And part of that is because they don’t have any; they don’t have boundaries. Right? They haven’t set boundaries. And when they don’t set boundaries, they often say yes to things that they don’t want to do. And I said no to things that they do want to do.
Doug Holt 13:01
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Tim Matthews 13:41
As a result, we talk about fuck yes, fuck, don’t we? We don’t know what their fuck yes in the fuck no’s are. And as a result, because of a lack of knowing what they want, because of a lack of boundaries, and saying yes to things that are no or no to things that are Yes, they become spread too thin. It becomes very they’re set up for fairness because it almost becomes impossible to keep the word. After all, we’ve said yes to just too many things. They’ve put themselves in a fair position, which further aggravates the problem. And the thing that you touched upon here as well is, as they break these promises, not only does it create an identity for the woman about the guy, it also creates an identity for him about himself that he doesn’t follow through that he breaks promises that he doesn’t bring things to completion. And sometimes guys turn to alcohol, drink, or work hard or whatever it is to try and fill that guilt and shame. I’ll get rid of the guilt and shame that turns out to work literally in the gym or at home or work. It doesn’t work because it’s solving the wrong problem. Right. The problem is I’ve taken on too much, and as for the wife wanting the man to take them, of course, the guy isn’t going to feel like he’s got the capacity and the confidence to walk in and take his wife. Because he’s not acting in alignment with who he knows he’s capable of being with all the broken promises with all the other little things that go with it.
Doug Holt 15:23
Yeah, I mean, there’s so much at play here. So the way I look at this, I can visualize this as almost revolving circles that feed each other. And so the guy who wants to be a good husband and one of value and worth falls into the nice guy trap becomes a deer. And he falls into this next guy trap you Okay, over there, Tim. Tims is coughing for those credibly because I can’t see him. Just make sure you’re alright. He falls into this nice guy trap, and it’s okay. I have to fix this. I’m a hard-working guy. I’m a smart guy; why can I fix this marriage? I could fix everything else, it seems. Alright, I’m going to do more. I’m going to be better. And he starts thinking like that and starts trying to do more, but he’s overwhelmed. He’s tired and eventually gets frustrated. He just throws his hands up. And it’s like, screw it. Right. When it comes to taking his wife. I want to be clear on this because one of the guy’s wives called me a misogynist, which I’m not. But anyway, we say taking his wife means that he was in the relationship. And that’s already a loving, committed relationship there. Are those boundaries established? I feel like I have to give a disclaimer. Now, every time I say it. No, but the reality is a lot of women want to be taken. And this is not forceful rape by any means. This is what most women want : a bell-shaped curve, wanting to be taken by a man who loves them in an intimate way where it’s passionate, or he’s leading, just like you see in love scenes and movies. But when the guy is going through this pattern, he lacks confidence. Come to take the trash out, she’s mad at me, and there’s the distance in the house; she’s taken more of the alpha role. And so he takes a backseat. And really, I think what happens for a lot of us guys, and I’ve been in a situation, Tim, is you get apathetic, you get apathetic, you’re like, screw it, I can’t do anything. Right. Whatever. Why should I even try?
Tim Matthews 17:34
Yeah. And I think it’s not the issue, and it might not be that she wants the man to take her. Is that the experience she wants to have? She wants to relax and surrender and just have pleasure and just relax. And that’s the same thing as being with a guy that honors His word, and I want to be able to relax and know that he’s got it, know that he’s going to do what he says he’s going to do. And hence why the one thing they want to change, bring it back to that piece of communication often isn’t the issue. Because if you work on the connection, and you get the connection there, and you are a man of your word, and you do walk in, you have the energy and confidence to go up there and take your wife, and there’s the connection there. And you argue here and that communication isn’t going to be the issue at all.
Doug Holt 18:20
No. So I mean, imagine going on a luxury vacation. You’re going on a luxury vacation, and you get to the resort. And there are all kinds of activities you want to do. And you got to pay for one of the scuba diving, you want to compare sailing, all of these cool things, you want to go into snow days, and you want to do all these cool things. But they all cost money. And you look at your bank account, and you realize there’s nothing in your bank, you’re going to stress about it the whole time, you’re not going to enjoy the vacation. Even if you go into credit cards and you’re dropping money to go scuba diving, there’s going to be a stressor there. Oh, maybe I don’t want to do nitrous dives, maybe I want to do something different. It’s a little less expensive. So instead of going out over here, I’ll go there, the shorter dive trip. It’s always going to be stressful, and it’s always going to be on your mind. What happens is when we, as men or anybody really, but you make you lose these micro-commitments, and someone can’t trust you. It’s like the emotional bank account is bankrupt. And so your wife is always on your wife’s mind and yours and she can’t, she can’t relax into you as her man as her leader as your alpha. And you can’t relax, but she can’t relax him because it’s always in the back of your mind that the bank accounts are empty. Right? There’s no solid foundation. This is why through The Activation Method, we use the triadic connection that basically, the connection is like getting one of these government loans coming in except for it’s not alone. It’s yours permanently. It’s like someone investing heavily into your emotional bank account in your relationship bank account. That’s what happens so fast with a lot of these guys, and that’s one thing that a lot of the men talk about. Right when it goes to the program, a byproduct of going through The Activation Method that a lot of men experience is all of a sudden their wife is seeing them extremely committed to something, following through excited about it, and changing themselves for the better, not just for her, but for himself. And that’s when she gets excited, because, in her mind, she’s like, wow, if he can invest and take care of and love himself, then he can take care to invest in our relationship and love me. That is just a byproduct is not the purpose of The Activation Method. It’s a byproduct of men that go through the program, but the triadic connection, what that’s doing is putting an influx of revenue into your relationship bank account, now at which she can sit back and relax. And now you can enjoy the vacation. Of course, the vacation is just your love life, your intimacy. And really, our ability to spend time with the one person who wants to spend the most time, the one person you want to share your dreams with. And then communication flows naturally. There’s no forced communication, and there’s none of that Bs; it just happens. There’s some skillset to make The Activation Method we teach you guys, some skill sets, and just different ways of communicating. Right, that sweat lands a little bit better. But it’s nothing overboard. Right? It’s just little tweaks here and there that we give the guys there to add more tools to your tool belt.
Tim Matthews 21:27
Yeah, for sure. So guys, I mean, if you listen to this, and you’re not in the Facebook community, I’d recommend for you to go in there while Doug and I are in there. And we ask questions, and we engage with the man and bring them onto shows like this. So we can give you some mini-coaching, if you will, this will be posted in that along with our take the link Doug. I think I’ll post it on this thread to all these guys as well. So they can get some clarity on what was going on. Because it’s one thing, thinking what you think your wife watched number one complaint might be about you, but understanding what it is. And you’ve been able to change that without even asking her. Right? There’s a lot of power in that keeps the expectation low and over-deliver. So, if you were to boil it down to a couple of action steps the guys could take from this Doug, I’ll give you three three action steps the guys can take from this. What would there be?
Doug Holt 22:28
Yeah, one is to recognize the pattern you’re in. Just sit down and get optics on the pattern you’re in? Are you not honoring commitments to yourself? That’s the first place I would start? And if the answer is yes, change it today. Right? One thing you can do, as Tim said, is going to the Facebook group and just publicly write to a private group of business leaders. There are about 3000 business leaders there. But go out there and just say, Hey, my name is Doug Holt, just listen to the podcast. And these are the areas that I’ve been failing on my commitments and are not following through on my commitments. That’s step one. And I know it’s a big step. But what that’s going to do is give you optics, but it’s also going to tell your brain signal to your brain that you’re done, you’re moving on, you’re transitioning through there. Step two is to stop trying to make up for things. Stop trying to do more, to be better. Stop trying to do more work around the house to be a better husband, stop trying to do more, and say yes to everybody, so that you feel like a nicer guy; stop doing that you don’t need to. It’s just it’s not necessary here. And step three is to realize you’re on the right path, you’re here, and that you’re here with us. And that’s where you want to start. And just make sure you realize that the fact that you’re here today, you’re bettering yourself step by step, and stop being so hard on yourself. Four will be getting to The Activation Method if you haven’t already because I think that I know for a fact that that is by far the best way if you want to shorten the gap of time and fill that emotional relationship bank account to do that.
Tim Matthews 24:06
Yeah, I love it. I love it. I’d throw one other in that if you were considering. Okay, what might my wife’s unsaved response be? What would you change about me? Look, all our complaints are written down? What do you often complain about to you about what is there? And is there a pattern there? And if there is, I’ll give you a good indication that we come back to this podcast and see if you can go a bit deeper and get to the real root of it as well. I think at the same time, do what Doug just said there. I think there are some great suggestions.
Doug Holt 24:37
Awesome. I love the topic, Tim as always, Tim unstoppable fantastic Matthews, guys as always love having you here, get over that Facebook group if you’re not there already. And if you are already, go ahead and leave a comment. We want to hear more from you. Get active, get involved. This is a movement of men. And the more active you are, the more you’ll get out of it. A lot of the guys in there are Commenting regularly, and in some of our splinter groups, they’re getting the results fast, and it’s awesome to come in there and celebrate their wins as well. So gentlemen, have an amazing day. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man show.