Episode #976
In this episode, Tim and Arthur dive into a powerful metaphor that hits home for a lot of men: are you leading like a lighthouse, or grinding yourself down like a tugboat? A tugboat works hard, constantly pushing and pulling, trying to keep everything afloat—whether it’s in business, marriage, or life in general. But a lighthouse? It stands firm. It doesn’t chase or convince. It guides.
Too many men fall into the tugboat trap—trying to please everyone, dodging conflict, letting things slide to “keep the peace,” and losing themselves in the process. The result? Burnout, resentment, and relationships that lack real respect. Tim and Arthur get honest about what it looks like to lead from strength instead of stress, and how standards, boundaries, and presence can completely shift the way you show up.
You’ll hear hard-won lessons, relatable stories, and clear, actionable steps you can take right now to stop reacting and start leading. Whether it’s setting red lines in your relationship, breaking free from codependency, or reclaiming your own voice—you’ll walk away from this episode with more clarity, more confidence, and a better sense of who you’re becoming.
This one’s a wake-up call—with the tools to actually do something about it.
If this episode hit home, it’s time to stop guessing and start leading.
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Transcription
Tim Matthews 0:00
I love this line: a lighthouse is only proven in the storm. You know, as a guy that’s a true lighthouse, you realize that a lighthouse is only proven in the storm. And most guys fall into the trap of wishing that the tests would end—“When’s it gonna get easier? I should have passed this by now. Why am I still getting the tests?” Well, the reality is, as brightly as you want to shine, expect to receive tests in equal measure and strength. Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of The Powerful Man Show. I’m joined yet again by the amazing master—dare I say it—Maghulianiti. So Magoo, I want to share with you—this is from the Lead Like a Lighthouse protocol, okay? It’s one of the pillars in the Triad of Transformation that we give the guys in the Ascension Blueprint. And this particular piece of the triad is all about unshakable presence, unwavering guidance, and unstoppable leadership.
So I’m going to read this out to you. It’s from part of the training. And the reason why I want to read this out is because I really want to paint the picture of what it means to be a tugboat versus a lighthouse. Because I think a lot of the guys in the movement kind of get the idea of a tugboat. Obviously, this forms part of the assessment that the guys take so they can really understand where they’re at. But I want to paint the picture very clearly and then talk about how to transition from being the tugboat to the lighthouse. So how men arrive here: Most men react to life instead of leading it. They are tossed around by the opinions, emotions, and needs of others—constantly adjusting, constantly seeking approval, and constantly chasing. They are like tugboats in a stormy sea, battered by waves, constantly shifting course, burning themselves out trying to pull others along.
They mistake movement for progress—exhausting themselves with endless effort, but never truly setting the course. In essence, they become tugboat leaders—trying to push, pull, and persuade others to follow them, only to feel exhausted, unappreciated, and ineffective. Tugboat leaders constantly adjust as they try to keep everyone happy, pulling people along, exhausting themselves in the process. This leads to wives who test them because they sense their uncertainty. Instead of the man setting the tone in the relationship, he reacts to his partner’s emotions. He fears her confrontation, avoids difficult conversations, and lets things slide to keep the peace.
It leads to children who push boundaries because they feel the instability—and it scares them. The man is there, but he’s not leading—merely keeping a ship afloat instead of trying a course. He operates on autopilot, unsure if his presence is truly leading his children or just filling a role. It leads to teams who lose trust in his ability to lead. He constantly micromanages, tries to make decisions by consensus, often fighting with the pressure of keeping everything together. It leads to businesses that stall under hesitation, the fear of making the wrong move, or tyrannical rule. They oscillate madly and react to crises instead of leading with a clear vision.
It also leads to self-doubt that threatens to ruin it all. He unconsciously seeks external validation and approval, avoiding the deep work of mastering his own presence and direction—instead letting external forces decide who he is rather than forging his own identity. Tugboat leaders may tell themselves that they are leading, but deep down, they know the storm is leading them. The waves dictate their direction, and they are pulled in different directions—unable to stand firm. But there is a different way. There are men who lead like a lighthouse. So I won’t go into that piece there.
Arthur 4:31
Yeah, the tugboat—it’s kind of like a cork wallowing in the water. You’re just like bobbing along, right? You don’t have any real control. Well, no one has real control—let’s not use that word, but that’s a whole different discussion. But you have no real direction. You’re being pushed by the tides, being pushed by life.
No direction. You’re pushed around, pushed around, pushed under. And I guess there’s a lot of people living like that, right? Because they feel—well, they are—disconnected with themselves. They’re unclear on what really matters for them. And it’s something that we talked about at The Alpha Reset this week. It’s like standards—your standards. What are you willing to accept? Because you change your standards, you change your life.
And I think a lot of people don’t have standards, or have very low standards as to what they’re willing to accept in life and what they’re not. And I think the lower the standards, the more like the tugboat you become. Because then anything goes, right? Whether you like it or not—and I’m being a little bit dramatic here and extreme—but that’s basically what happens. You know, this one pushes back, that one pushes back. You don’t have your direction, you don’t have your spine set erect, and you’re going to get pushed back and forth.
Tim Matthews 6:03
Yeah, I think a lot of guys don’t even realize—I mean, I remember when I was there—I didn’t even realize the slow erosion over time. You know, I don’t think guys become a tugboat overnight, right? I think back to my—I think specifically about the last relationship I was in, all right? That was a very slow erosion of my standards. And I definitely became the tugboat in that relationship. And I became the tugboat by letting things slide. So if I wasn’t happy with something, I’d be like, “Okay, doesn’t matter,” right? Because I was easygoing, right?
I think I also wanted an easy life as well. I wanted to avoid the difficult conversation, right? I also didn’t see the knock-on effect of allowing it to slide—letting it slide once, because then it happened again, and again, and again, right? And I see a lot of guys making the same mistake. And I think some of them do it because they are avoiding the tough conversations. Some of them are doing it because they do want an easy life. Some of them are doing it because they’re terrified of pushing their partner away, right? They’re scared of rocking the boat, right? But as a result, like you said, they just become tossed around by the seas.
Arthur 7:35
All those reasons you mentioned—they want to avoid conflict, they’re scared of the conflict, they want to be the nice guy and the easygoing guy and the giving guy, right? But the reality is, once you allow something to go past that you didn’t like—once, twice, maybe three times—that other person, you’re training them into what they can do with you, and you’re not going to react, right? So it’s a slippery slope because we train people how to treat us. A lot of people, you know, we speak to guys—“Oh, she says this, and she acts like this.” Okay, have you ever told her or set a boundary or made an agreement that that isn’t acceptable in your relationship? “Oh, no.” Okay, so then it’s cool. No, it’s not cool, but you haven’t said anything about it. So obviously, by allowing it, you’ve agreed that it’s okay. And once again, it’s that, you know, the death by a million cuts, right? You let that slide, you let this slide, for whatever reason, but you’re letting things slide, right? And the net result is you create a scenario which is not what you want.
Tim Matthews 8:50
Yeah, I love the point in there that it says about the tugboat leaders burn themselves out by trying to pull and persuade others. And I see that so often, whether it’s with them as CEOs or—speaking to one of the guys today—encouraging him to make this key hire. And I pointed out to him, “Hey, have you noticed your energy anytime you talk about this key hire?” Because he was trying to play cool. I’m like, “Hey, so where you at with the COO?” “Oh, well, you know, he’s going to think about it right now,” and what he’s really thinking about is whether or not he wants to just kick tires in a corporate career, making good money but kicking tires, or whether he wants to, you know, pull his finger out and be part of something a bit more mission-driven.
I’m like, “Do you want the guy?” “Oh, I think he’d make a massive difference to my business.” “So go after the guy,” right? If you want him. Because—slight tangent—but an A+ player is going to perform 10 times better than an A player, right? 20 times better than a B+ player. But you’re not going to pay them 10 times more or 20 times more, right? So the gains are disproportionate to the money you’re going to outlay. So if you really want this guy, and you really believe in this guy’s ability to do what he says he’s going to do, then be willing to offer him more. If you’re going to give him 300k a year with the opportunity to make 350, then obviously make sure the economics work. But offer him 350 with a bonus to make 400.
Loss aversion is—he’s going to work his ass off to not lose the 350, because at the end of the first year, if he doesn’t hit it, then you’re going to take it off him. He’s going to work way harder not to lose the thing he’s got than work harder to get the thing he’s never had, right? As I was saying this to him, I pointed out to him, “Hey, look at your energy whenever you talk about this guy. Have you noticed that?”
He’s like, “I get really excited. I’m really energized. I’m really light.”
“Okay, now compare your energy when you talk about the rest of your team.”
“Oh, it drags me down. I’m sick of it.” It’s an example of him burning himself out trying to pull and persuade others. Because a double-edged sword of the amazing men that we work with is—double-edged sword of perseverance with an entrepreneur, right?
The strength of perseverance is they push through, and they persevere, and they keep going. The weakness of perseverance is they tolerate a lot of shit, right? And they’ve got to be able to recognize when they must tolerate less, right? There are also ways to do this tactically, whether it’s through agreements—I’m not going to get into that.
But point being is with this guy, in that moment, he was being a tugboat leader. So to your point with the wife—they burn themselves out. And they think the burnout is coming from how hard they’re working or how much they’ve got on their plate, but it’s not. The burnout is coming from the stress they’re experiencing by allowing the people in their life to treat them the way they don’t want to be treated—and all the energy and effort they’re exerting trying to persuade them and convince them to do otherwise.
Then falling in love with the potential of what somebody can be rather than the reality of who they are being—without ever speaking up. And as a result, they then try and save them instead of lead them. They take responsibility for their success—be it as a wife or as an employee—it just all becomes too much. It’s nuts when you, you know, break it down like that. It’s crazy. It’s an impossible game they’re trying to play.
Arthur 12:44
Yeah, it’s also interesting how many guys try to talk their way into or out of situations—or into situations—or trying to discuss things with their partners, right?
Doug Holt 12:54
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only do you need to know what’s broken, but a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re going to be toiling with things. That’s why I created a free training—a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have—but how you get it back.
How do you retain that, where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, “I do”? You know, I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, I feel like I can conquer the world. And I want that for you. Simply go over to https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. That’s https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. And I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you.
Now, back to the podcast.
Arthur 13:56
Some of the standards I was talking about earlier on are like the lines of respect, right? It’s like, what are your lines of respect? What are your red lines in the relationship, right?
And a lot of guys are caught up because they haven’t made any of these agreements. They haven’t made any of these boundaries. And that is being a lighthouse—is being clear on your boundaries, all right? The lighthouse stands because it’s got concrete and corrugated iron or whatever, right? Nothing can move that, right? And you’ve got to be so clear on what is a red line for you, right?
How people—how you allow people—to speak to you. You know, and it’s going to be different for everyone. But all too often, I hear guys saying, “Oh, she did this, she said this,” whatever. And I’m thinking like, and you let that happen. I just find it really strange when guys—being the good guys—will give so much and allow so much that it’s tantamount to abuse, right?
Because, “Oh no,” and they justify it: “Oh, because I’ve been a bastard in the last six years. I brought this on myself, so I’m going to allow this to happen.” They punish themselves. They punish themselves. It’s like no—homoseki—two wrongs don’t make a right. Now you’re just exacerbating the situation.
But at the same time, you are not drawing the line as to what you’re willing to accept. Once again, we train other people as to how to treat us, and you’ve got to be really clear on what you’re willing to accept and not. And often, when we push back and we create those boundaries, people fall into place.
Tim Matthews 15:38
You don’t like it first, though. So I’m gonna go on to a lighthouse. I was gonna read this out, but you’ve inspired me.
A lighthouse stands unmoved no matter how fierce the storm. It does not chase lost ships. It does not burn itself out trying to pull others along. It shines, offering certainty, direction, and safety. This man shines a steady light. The ships that are meant to follow do. It stands firm. It does not chase. It does not pull. It simply shines. It provides clarity, stability, and an undeniable presence that allows others to navigate by its guidance. It does not chase, convince, or please. Instead, he stands firm with an unshakable steadiness.
Whereas a tugboat, on the other hand, chases after struggling ships, desperately trying to pull them in, forcefully making them follow. He burns energy constantly chasing and adjusting and works tirelessly to convince, manage, and direct. But it’s exhausting and inefficient. Most men are like tugboats—constantly adjusting, over-explaining, and pushing harder. When people resist, they chase approval instead of standing firm in their truth. They react emotionally instead of responding with certainty. They let external forces dictate their course instead of setting their own.
A man who leads like a lighthouse is different. He is steady in the storm, unmoved by pressure or external chaos, clear in his vision, illuminating the way forward without chasing validation. A signal of safety and certainty. People gravitate towards his leadership. And it just goes on to talk about the protocol and giving the tools and such. The question is simple: Are you leading like a lighthouse, or are you a glorified tugboat?
I love this line: A lighthouse is only proven in the storm. You know, because a guy who’s a true lighthouse realizes that a lighthouse is only proven in the storm. And most guys fall into the trap of wishing that the tests would end. “When’s it gonna get easier? I should have passed this by now. Why am I still getting the tests?”
Well, the reality is, as brightly as you want to shine, expect to receive tests in equal measure and strength. Don’t wish for the test to be over, because that either means you’re dead or you’ve stopped growing. Don’t wish for it to be easy. Don’t wish for the world to go easier on you, right? It’s irrelevant what tests come your way. It’s just the next step, right? You can continue to remain unwavering, non-reactive, because a lighthouse is only proven in a storm. A lighthouse has no worth, no use, without a storm.
Arthur 18:48
In that scenario, right, instead of looking outside and hoping for an easier way or path, you get to look inside and become the better lighthouse or the stronger lighthouse. Because then, whatever comes your way isn’t going to buckle you; it’s not going to bend you. And so it always comes back to: How good are you at being that lighthouse? How solid are you at being that lighthouse?
And we’ve said before, when you can become unfuckwithable, right, then whatever happens, you’ll be able to deal with it. And like one of the guys on the The Alpha Reset this last week, right—lived a life where he was scared of his wife, his partner leaving—and sum total, end of the week: “I don’t want her to leave. I know it’ll hurt, but I know I’ll be okay.” And that changes your perspective on how you show up with that partner from that point on.
Tim Matthews 19:53
Yeah, so often we just tolerate the wrong people in our life for so long. You know, this piece here—the ships that are meant to follow do—so much power in that. The ships that are meant to follow do. A lighthouse does not pull; it simply shines.
Now, what I take from that—nothing to prove. There’s no external validation there, right? There’s, “I’m going to be me. I’m just going to be me. I’m just going to shine.” And those that move towards me—fantastic. Those that move away—fantastic. Right? You know, the worst place to be is on the fence, in the gray. And that’s where most guys are, especially when they come to us and they go through the Ascension Blueprint, because they’ve been living in the gray, on the fence, not shining, trying to be everything to everyone, and it just doesn’t work.
Whereas a tugboat—you know, I don’t like this bit—but chases after struggling ships. You know, so often we hear the stories from the guys, right, how they will chase after their wife. The wife has had an affair or whatever it may be, and they’ll chase after them because there’s so much co-dependency. They’ve put so much of their identity and their level of significance onto the relationship and what it means, and you’ve got to be able to break free from that.
I’m not saying break free from the marriage by any means, but the marriage will thrive when you break the co-dependency. The attraction will thrive when you break the co-dependency, because you’ll be able to have the honest conversations. You’ll be able to be real.
Desperately trying to pull them in, forcefully making them follow—it burns energy. Constantly adjusting, chasing, and working tirelessly to convince, manage, and direct. So true. And so many guys fall into the trap.
Arthur 22:02
It just weakens the position to the point of breakdown. Because at some point, there’s zero respect left. And when that goes, well, then I’m not sure you’ve got a relationship.
Tim Matthews 22:13
Yeah, I mean, a tugboat doesn’t respect itself. That’s being a tugboat—showing through his actions and what he’s tolerating and allowing, the way he’s allowing people to treat him, speak to him, having no standards, for example—that there is no self-respect there. But then he’ll complain, “She should respect me.”
Well, dude, you’re not respecting yourself.
Exactly. People respect what people stand for. That’s the thing. They respect that line in the sand. If you haven’t drawn one, then there is nothing to respect. You know, respect is earned. Right? You can’t command respect. You have to earn respect.
So three action steps for somebody who is listening to this, maybe even feels a little bit beaten up, recognizes himself as a tugboat right now—what three things can they do right now to become more of a lighthouse?
Arthur 23:11
Number one is: get clear on what you are willing to accept and what you’re not. You need to have standards in your relationship, in your life, in your health, in everything. What are your standards? If you’re just talking about relationships that you get to make, to create, what are you willing to accept or not? Right? What are those red lines? That’s number one.
Number two: know that whatever happens with your relationship, you’ll be okay. I think too many guys think that if the relationship goes south, then that’s the end of it. And that’s just a perspective, but it’s not a true one. How many people have left one relationship and gotten into another, and things have changed completely? Obviously, you know, if you don’t sort out your problems—your personal issues—in the one relationship, you’re going to take them to another. So it’s not like the grass is greener on the other side, but my point here is that you will survive. You will be okay.
And number three: I think it’s just that you are whole and you are complete. You’re lacking nothing. You’re not broken—maybe confused, but that’s fine. We can un-confuse you. You are lacking nothing. And when you can come back to yourself and say, “I don’t need anyone. I’d like someone, but I don’t need anyone,” then you put yourself in a position of power, and you put down those roots, because you’re more than good enough. You’ve got what it takes. You might need some help and some direction, but you’re not broken. And so coming from that position, that gives you a foundation to build up.
Tim Matthews 24:55
I love that. And I’ll give three, which is tough because you’re giving three really good ones.
One: begin saying no. There’ll be certain things that are happening in their life right now where they want to say no to it, and they’re not, for whatever reason. Begin saying no, even if it’s something small. Just begin flexing that muscle of “no.”
The second one I would say is: reflect upon where you might be falling in love with the potential of what someone can be—and where are you then making excuses for them—versus looking at the reality of who they are being.
The third one is—it’s an action step per se, but more of a belief: look, you weren’t meant to be a tugboat. You weren’t put on this planet to be a tugboat. You may have fallen into the trap of being a tugboat. We’ve been there. We get it. You were meant to shine bright. And if that upsets people or makes people feel uneasy, that’s their problem, right? But you get to shine bright.
Magoo, thank you again.
So, gents, listen—if any of this has resonated with you and you want to find out more about the Ascension Blueprint, email in ascend to VIP@thepowerfulman.com. That’s Very Important Person at thepowerfulman.com. If you’re feeling stuck, you’re lacking clarity, feeling lost, and you want to shift from being a tugboat to a lighthouse, then this might be the thing for you.
And like Dougie Fresh always says: in the moment of insight, take massive action. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
