Are you tolerating how people treat you?
How can you shift from a path of force to a path of power?
Start by realizing your worth, because you have the power to stand for yourself and do things that fill your cup.
In this episode, we’ll get into why you’re selling yourself short in life and what you can do to appreciate yourself more and grow your self-worth.
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Doug Holt: Welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. Tim, how are you doing, brother?
Tim Matthews: I am doing well. How are you?
Doug Holt: Sounds very robotic. I’m doing great man. I’m doing great. Great day here in Oregon, where my family and I now live. Loving it, the great weather. We’re prepping the house, we have a bunch of people coming over from my son’s school. We have some acreage here, so my son’s school is going to use our backyard for an event. He goes to a Waldorf School, which I didn’t know anything about until we started looking into it. So, excited about that. And I’m taking the family on a little vacation, so I’m also looking forward to that. You and I get to travel all over the world, as you know, and as most of the men now. And so, it’s nice to be able to do something with the family.
Tim Matthews: Where are you going now? We haven’t had a chance to talk about that.
Doug Holt: Sun River. you’ve had birthdays for the dog, we’ve been on vacation, you’ve traveled the world yourself,
Tim Matthews: You keep ignoring my calls.
Doug Holt: Yeah, I ignore your calls. I have a very special filter on my phone. And if I didn’t have that filter, I’d be on the phone all day. For those guys that have been messaging me, I do apologize, I do get hundreds of messages a day, across all social channels and emails. I really do do my best to get back to everybody, but it is almost impossible. It is impossible for me to do it. You know what, Tim? At one point, I had somebody actually responding to messages on my behalf. And it just felt disingenuous at some point. I had this burning desire to get back to everybody. And at the same time, it wasn’t me getting back to them. And the guys were getting the help they needed, which is great, but I just didn’t feel right. So, I stopped doing that. Now I’m really working on playing catch up and trying to get back to everybody as soon as I can. But guys, we eat our own cooking over here at TPM.
I have a great marriage now. I used to have one that wasn’t that great. Now it is. And so I spend time with my wife, I spend time with my kids. And as we build this movement to help more men like you come through, I know you, like me, want to do great in this world. And so do I. And sometimes, you know, these messages, whether it be messages, email, on chat, social media, text messages, what have you – eventually, you just have to have your own filter to get through them. So, Tim, so sorry if you feel like I’ve been ignoring your calls, I would do that with intention. But that gets me to our topic today, Tim. So, this morning, I was doing my ARS, and I came across a meme. And I love memes, you know, one of those closet people that really like them and laugh at them, and what have you. But this one was a little bit more serious. And it’s got the character from Peaky Blinders. Do you know that show?
Tim Matthews: Well, they were saying that Force of Nature looks like that guy from Peaky Blinders, in his amazing jacket that he wore, bought in Iceland.
Doug Holt: Yeah, tweed coat. He did. He looks just like him. Right? Looks very stylish. Force of Nature, he’s got more style than he realizes, I think. But yeah, he did look like him. So it’s Tommy. Tommy, I think, is the character’s first name. So, I got the image on my screen. So, if you guys are watching this on YouTube, you’ll understand where I’m looking. but Tommy’s sitting there, he’s got a glass of whiskey by his side. And he’s in a very contemplative state. Nice chairs, mahogany background.
And there’s one thing that it says there. And I think this is very applicable to the men that we work with. Now the quote says, ‘Know your worth, and stop giving people discounts.’ Now, all too often, us as men, as quote, “good guys”, because the men that we work with are great men, right? They’re great guys. But they fall into this, this trap, if you will. And I certainly did, Tim, and I can still fall into it today, where I just want to help people. I want to help them so much, I’ll do it at my own detriment.
And this is why I’ve set up rules around my phone calls, my text messages, and all of these other things in my life, because I will stay up all night trying to respond to everybody, solving their problems, making sure everything’s good, making sure they’re happy, setting up meetings that I shouldn’t be in just so I can help and share my presence. Now, the key here with this thing, what it’s telling me is like, hey, know what your value is, men. Know what your value is, and stop giving other people discounts. Demand the value that you deserve.
Now, this value can come across in a lot of ways. One of the things I admire about you, Tim, is you really take your self-care very seriously, very seriously. I mean, you’re at the spa, you’re getting massages, you’re doing floats, you’re doing all of these things, seemingly on a weekly basis. Now, I know it’s not always on a weekly basis, but your self care is at the top of everything. And most of the messages I get from you, you’re at the gym, or you’re driving towards the spa, or doing something for yourself. It’s very rare that I get a message from you that you’re at a computer. Right? Very rare.
Almost always, you’re out and about doing something, at the beach or what have you. And so, I think when we look at this as men, where are we not investing in ourselves because we’re discounting our self-worth? Where are we doing things for other people and putting ourselves last because of our self worth? Where are we in relationships? Not just your intimate relationship, but maybe friendships? Maybe it’s a business relationship, that you keep cutting the other guy slack. You keep giving them slack because you’re a nice guy. Right? Where are you selling yourself short? Now, Tim, have you ever experienced this with yourself? Or any of the guys that you work with?
Tim Matthews: You know the answer to that, of course.
Doug Holt: Of course, I know. But the men listening…
Tim Matthews: Yeah, when you were sharing, the thing that came to my mind was the path of force versus the path of power. You know, the path of force typically symbolizes somebody living from the outside in. And even if they’re not completely living from the outside in, right, they are making it very hard for themselves. It’s typified with stress, struggle and sacrifice. And it’s also typified with busy action versus inspired action. And in that place, everything can feel rushed, everything can feel stressful, everything can feel reactive, everything can feel like it needs to happen right away. And for me, whenever I enter the path of force, typically, one of the triggers for me is if I allow my phone to be on past about 8pm, 7:30pm.
Because obviously, there’s tons of messages that can come through. And if my phone isn’t turned off and put in a drawer away from me, my inclination is to want to check the messages and see what’s going on, and respond because I love what we do. However, that doesn’t work, because before you know it, it’s 10pm. Before you know it, it’s 10:30. I’m going to bed, not having had any time. I’ve done my Alpha Decompression, obviously, but then I’m replying to messages, so I may as well have just not done it. Because I just get excited, and I get inspired, and I get triggered. You know what it’s like. So, I go to bed, and I struggle to get to sleep. Right? Don’t sleep well. Wake up, feel rushed. Check my phone again. Go to the gym, sending messages on the way to the gym. And it’s just a cycle. And I create the conditions for being on the path of force. And everything then feels scarce, because I feel scarce. Everything feels rushed because I feel rushed. Everything feels a bit fearful because there’s chaos, there’s no focus. I think you’ve got to know who you are as well, and know how you work best. For me, I work best with simplicity, that’s for sure.
So, equally, the flip side is true. The path of power is also a path that I can create. So, if I have my phone off at, let’s say, 8pm, and it’s away from me in a drawer, then, you know, luckily- obviously, I’ve got you as a business partner. So, if there was an emergency with the team they’d reach out to you. But equally, if everyone was in the same time zone, there shouldn’t be a need past 8pmt to have the phones on. So, the path of power can also be created. But to your point, Doug, it comes from taking a stand for yourself, right? I’ve had to overcome a lot of stories to turn my phone off at 8pm. I’m letting people down, feelings of guilt- there’s all sorts of things that I had to overcome in order to feel comfortable with turning my phone off at 8pm.
But equally, I realized that keeping it on really doesn’t serve me at all, long-term. Now, I might be able to do it- every time Amelia goes away, the phone just stays on. But equally, it can slip into this cycle. Because again, when you love what you do, it’s very easy. But long-term, it just doesn’t work. So yeah, being able to be aware of those stories, and what the stories are that I’m telling myself, and how that’s showing up in other areas of my life. Hence the weekly review. The weekly review for me is so important, because that gives me a moment in time to be able to stop, and reflect, and look back and recognize that these things are happening. As with my ARS. That moment in time to stop and journal, and just consider and reflect.
And if I don’t have those two things in place, I don’t catch it, I realize a few weeks have gone by, and I end up being cranky and moody. My cup is empty. I’m not doing anything to replenish it. And no one gets the best of me then. Especially myself. So yeah, I’ve dealt with it, I’ve experienced it, the men we work with have as well. it’s a lot of the reasons why they become people-pleasers, a lot of the reasons why they’ve self-sacrificed personally and professionally to put other people first. That is why a lot of resentments come into their lives as well, because they then form covert contracts with those people, especially the wife, and even team members.
And they just expect things without ever communicating formal agreements. And their needs come last. They wonder why they struggle to land a huge deal that they want. They wonder why they don’t attract players. They wonder why. And it’s because this neediness and desperation that sets in. Conversely, when they’re able to understand how they’re operating and shift it to the path of power, we’ve also seen guys triple their businesses and cut their hours by two thirds. We’ve seen guys land business deals pitching to the same investors that they pitched to a year prior with a collection that’s now a year old. And the year before, prior to TPM, they basically got laughed out of the pitch, saying ‘don’t call us, we’ll call you’.
Then, a year later, walking out of there with a six-figure or seven-figure order. Only thing that changed was them. They were in a worse position, in fact, because the collection that was a year old. Because these guys understand their worth, they begin to realize, hey, I’m better than that. I refuse to tolerate whatever it is, be it how their wife might be treating them, be it how they’re treating themselves, they just refuse to tolerate. And also, they take radical responsibility for their success. Radical responsibility. They choose to own the fact that they are 100% responsible for the good and the bad. And that puts the ball back in their court, and they’re able to make a change. No victimhood, nothing. And again, that’s what happens when you move from the path of force to the path of power, and really begin to understand your worth.
Doug Holt: I love it. It’s so true. Two things come up to me right away. I was involved in the conversation with a guy that was interested in joining the AM. So, that’s our flagship program, an eight-week program, where you’re working with a coach, and specifically, this AM was focused on the marriage. We have two versions of it. This one was the relationship and the marriage. And the guy talking about it, he’s like, You know what?
My wife, she just won’t let me do this. It’ll take too much time away from the kids, she doesn’t want to spend the money. So basically, I can’t take the time and I can’t spend the money. And this is a classic space of not knowing your worth. Basically you become the child, right? I felt for him. He doesn’t want to rock the boat, is what it was. He didn’t want to upset her. And the relationship was already on the fritz. And so, what he didn’t realize, of course, is what his value is. And he was giving his wife a massive discount. So therefore, she wasn’t valuing him.
And as nice guys, we get into this routine all the time, right? We get into this routine where we’re going to be the nice guy, because we care so much what other people think of us that we just say, Yeah, stiff upper lip, I’m not gonna say anything, I’ll bear it, I got broad shoulders, I can carry the weight. And then people start discounting our value. Now, another scenario happened. There’s a gentleman who lives in the vicinity of where I live, and he keeps wanting to get together with me. I
t’s great, great guy, love to do it. And he kept messaging me over and over and over again. I’m like, look, I’m going to Iceland, I’ll be gone for 14 days with a great group of men. It’s gonna be amazing. And at first, he was excited for me. Then I get back, and I got another event that I’m doing. I’m going to spend some time with my family. And then I’m flying out to this other thing where I’m hanging out with these guys. Well, he sent me a nasty message, basically like, hey, look, you know, you’re not available when I need you, when I want you to be available.
Because there were certain times that I made myself available, where I said, look, we can grab a beer during this time. And that conflicted with what he was doing. That conflicted with his goals. He has a very strict routine that he sticks to. But because the times that I was available didn’t work with what he wanted to get to, he was very upset. Now, kudos to this man. Because, when I broke it down to him and said, hey, look, you know, I’d love to hang out with you, and this is my lifestyle right now. Like, I’m able to travel the world working with great guys. I want to hang out with you. I get you have your goals. Our times are just conflicted.
I got two young kids, I’m married, all of these things. And kudos to him is, you know, he realized what was going on, said, hey, look, you know, honestly, I don’t have a group of great guys around. You’re the guy that I know is going to tell me the truth, and you’re the guy I can bounce ideas off of. He’s like, I really appreciate the fact that you’re holding your ground, because that’s what I did. And what I was doing there, Tim, is, I knew my worth. I knew what my value was, and I wasn’t giving him a discount. I love the guy, I want to hang out with him.
At the same time. I love myself. Right? So, there’s different ways that you can look at this. This is why I like this meme. I’ll throw it into the Facebook group for you guys so you can take a look at it. But it’s ‘Know your worth and stop giving people discounts.’ Stop it. Stop giving your wife a discount. Stop giving the coworkers a discount. Stop giving your vendors a discount. Stop giving yourself a discount. Know your worth. If you want to be a better man, then you got to invest and better yourself. Doesn’t have to be with us, it can be with somebody else.
No problem, But do it. Do it for something. And when you know your worth, you want your worth to be like a stock, like a high performance stock. Blue chip, baby. You’re going up in value as you continue to invest in yourself. Because the truth is, if you learn a foreign language, your personal stock goes up. If you better yourself as a man, your stock goes up, right? If you start working out again, you lift heavier weights, you’re getting stronger, getting leaner, you’re getting more mobile, more supple, more ripped, your stock goes up. You learn more about business than you learned before – your stock continues to go up.
So what you want to do, guys, is you want your stock to continue to go up, and you want to stop giving discounts. Throw in a bonus instead, right? Don’t give yourself a discount. Don’t give anybody else a discount, certainly. There’s times when you’re going to go out of the way and you’re going to do things for people that you’d love that’s not gonna be convenient. That is different. I’m not saying be a jerk. But don’t give people discounts. There are times when I’m doing something and I’ll stop doing what I’m doing to help my wife. There are times when I’ll answer the phone for Tim’s call, even when it’s not convenient.
It’s not Tim’s fault, it’s not because I’m discounting myself or giving a discount. It’s because I’m choosing to. There’s a very big difference. Right? And I’ve been in this situation, where I would give other people discounts. I’ve been in a situation where I got up at four in the morning for business meetings. I’ve been in that situation where I’ve given other people massive discounts on my value. But that’s when you get to realign, don’t judge yourself. I like to laugh at myself, but then go, Hey, I know what my value is. I know what I bring to the table. And I’m not giving people discounts. People can have priorities. There’s certain people in my life that are allowed to have more access to me than others, but not at a discounted rate.
Tim Matthews: Fires me up. Pisses me off as well when I see guys give discounts. Really fucking pisses me off. And I get it, you know, I was there too. And maybe that’s why it annoys me so much, because you can see so clearly, and you just want for them everything you see them capable of achieving, everything they tell you that they want is within reach. And if they could just- it’s kind of like the idea of you know, where do you get to say no, right? Just say no a little bit more, say yes to themselves a little bit more, just one little bit per day, their life had just changed dramatically, because they do not need to give discounts at all.
Doug Holt: I agree. So gentlemen, I’m fired up over here too, Tim. Guys, I want this for you so bad, because I care so much. And that’s why I get worked up, I get fired up. I just want this so badly for you guys. I’ve been in your situation. And I’ve been on the other side, I know what it’s like. And I’m talking to you guys that have not been involved in our program, but I’m also talking to a few of you guys that are in our program, whether it be the Inner Circle, the Brotherhood, or the AM or something else. You know who you are. I love you guys, I really do. And I want you to know your worth, because I see it. And I want you to stop giving people discounts. I want you to invest in yourself. Double down on you. Double down on you. Tim, as always, I appreciate your insights on these shows. Gentlemen, at the moment of insight, as we always say, take massive action. Know your self-worth, and stop giving discounts. Double down, baby. Talk to you guys later.