Episode #1018
Most men think their wife isn’t interested in sex anymore. But what if that’s not actually true?
In this episode, Doug sits down with his wife Erin for an honest conversation about what women really want in the bedroom and outside of it. Erin shares insights from her own coaching and real conversations with other wives, explaining why emotional safety, shared responsibility, and everyday connection are just as important as physical intimacy.
They talk about the things most men miss when it comes to creating lasting attraction, why women shut down, and how small changes in how you show up can reignite the spark in your relationship.
If you’ve ever felt stuck in a disconnected or sexless season, this episode gives you a clear path forward. It’s direct, real, and focused on helping you create a deeper, more fulfilling connection with your partner.
If things feel off in your relationship and you’re not sure where to start, get the free training at https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. You’ll get clarity on what’s going wrong and what you can do right now to fix it.
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Transcription
Erin Holt 0:00
Just as much as wanting really good sex, we as women also want really good emotional intimacy and intimacy outside of the bedroom that is just as important and is required for us to open up. And then it’s a level of, I’ll say, you’ll find the best version of your woman when she feels safe with you. She will be flirty, she will be fun, she will be sexual. She will be loose and be able to feel safe enough to let her guard down, where she can access parts of herself that she cannot access when she does not feel safe with you.
Doug Holt 0:42
Do you want to know that one thing that men just don’t know about women, yet our wives are dying for us to know? Well, today we’re going to talk about just that. You know, we always joke around about how complicated women are. So we’re going right to the source. I asked my beautiful wife, Erin, to come in here, and she’s actually talked to some of her clients’ wives, just like yours, about this very subject. And that’s what we’re gonna explore. And here’s the hint it’s more than one, but that’s what we’ll explore today on the TPM show. Babe, thanks for being here.
Erin Holt 1:16
Hey, babe. Let’s see, I would say one of the top things that I hear over and over, and also as a woman myself and with girlfriends and clients, is that we actually want really good sex.
Doug Holt 1:29
Okay, tell me more.
Erin Holt 1:30
Yes, yes, yes. There are many layers to that, but we want good sex where there’s deep emotional connection that allows for different types of pleasure to happen, different styles of sex. But we want good sex, and for the men to know what they’re doing. And if they do not have the confidence or skill set to learn it, be open to some feedback, but also be responsible for learning how to please her.
And I will tell you, the one place that you will not be learning is porn. If you replicate almost 99.9% in porn, it does not feel good. That is for show. I know men, and all of us know that cognitively, but trust me, a lot of those skills are tried and they do not feel good. So knowing some actual skill and putting some effort into that is women want that. And I’m going to reiterate: good, pleasurable sex for everybody involved is what we actually deeply, deeply crave.
Doug Holt 2:39
No doubt. And so I know this morning, we’ve converted our garage into a workout center for you and your girlfriends to work out three times a week. And we were talking about this this morning was that the consensus when you asked all of them the same question?
Erin Holt 2:55
Yes, that was one of the first topics and first answers. It’s wanting you guys to lead, honestly, and just also have the skill set and the openness to learn if things don’t feel great, or in certain moods, or certain times of the month, and understanding how that affects a woman and her sexuality and sensuality. Different types of sex are deeply desired during different times of the month. I teach that a lot to my clients, and it’s just as we feel different at different phases. That was a very big first answer.
Doug Holt 3:31
Well, I bet. It’s funny, because, you know, I hear this so often. I tell the guys a lot of guys will say, “Well, my wife’s just not interested in sex,” right? And so what would…I know what my response is, because I’ve given it a lot, but what would your response be to a guy that’s like, “My wife’s just not interested in sex”?
Erin Holt 3:46
She actually really is for lots of reasons. But just as much as wanting really good sex, we as women also want really good emotional intimacy and intimacy outside of the bedroom that is just as important and is required for us to open up. And then it’s a level of, I’ll say, you’ll find the best version of your woman when she feels safe with you. She will be flirty, she will be fun, she will be sexual, she’ll be loose and be able to feel safe enough to let her guard down, where she can access parts of herself that she cannot access when she does not feel safe with you. And those parts are very fun for her and very fun for you.
Just the feeling of her feeling light to her is one of the biggest gifts that you can give her. Because if she’s constantly having to feel on some level subconsciously or consciously that she’s having to protect herself, or be the one that holds it all together, or be the one that’s first responsible, or be the one that is constantly monitoring the emotional energy of the relationship, that puts her in a masculine, and it puts her in a very responsible mode. And it’s not safe. It doesn’t feel safe. When she has the experience where she is the one that is constantly planning the date nights, getting the babysitter, checking in, being the one to bring up the hard conversations that is like, if you’re avoiding conflict, which will happen in every single relationship, or if she feels like she’s the one that’s constantly managing that entire emotional body of a relationship between you two, she will lose respect and attraction for you big time.
Doug Holt 5:26
Do you see that happening in some of the clients you’re working with or with friends?
Erin Holt 5:32
Yes, yes. And it’s not like it takes two to tango. And I’m just saying, this is from a woman’s side. It’s really, really attractive when you as a man step up and are like, “Hey, I know we’ve been disconnected lately. I’ve planned this for us. Hey, I know we have this thing that we’re trying to work through. Let’s sit down and talk about it.” Ignoring it, trying to keep the peace, walking on eggshells, all those things trying to be the nice guy by not hurting her feelings that’s super unattractive, and it’s very, very unsafe for her. Because she’s like, “Where’s your backbone? You are not valuing our relationship enough to come to me and step up and actually talk about it.” Avoiding it is actually extremely unsexy.
Doug Holt 6:16
100%. So what advice would you give to a guy who’s hearing this? Because I can imagine a lot of these guys since I talk to hundreds and hundreds of them they’re thinking, “Well, my wife’s not interested in sex. We’re in a sexless marriage. It’s just in that season. Where do I start?”
Erin Holt 6:35
First of all, just acknowledging that’s really hard. Everybody’s hurting when that’s happening, and it’s hard on both of you, probably in different ways. Where do I start? Acknowledging it. It sounds so simple, but just acknowledging the fact that, like, “Hey, we have been in a sexless season. I know that you’re hurting as much as I am.” And no blame like it’s not her fault, it’s not your fault. It took two to create that dynamic, and it’s gonna take two to get out of it, and it’s gonna take responsibility and doing things differently than you did to create it.
And just acknowledging that type of conversation with no blame and judgment, of being like, “You don’t do this,” or “You don’t do that,” that’s not gonna work, obviously. And then just being really intentional. I will say, with everything men too, but definitely women everything is energy. Everything is energy. So if you’re coming to her with that conversation, and it’s genuine and it’s grounded and it’s loving, and it’s like, “Hey, I really actually miss you. I miss us. I miss having that type of connection with you,” that will melt her and hit her in a way very differently than if you’re coming from a needy place, like, “Oh my gosh, we’re never having sex. This is awful. I’m the only one that you know. We’re only having sex with each other, and we’re not even doing that.” That’s obviously not going to land very well.
So it’s just being really responsible for your energy and being really clear on what you actually want, and owning thatcbut with love.
Doug Holt 8:06
Yes, the biggest thing I see guys that come out of The Alpha Reset, which is the four-day transformational experience we do here at the TPM ranch and we do in the UK, is they get that energetic shift. And so one guy even talked about it, and I won’t say his name, but he came home after The Alpha Reset, and he stood behind his wife at a good distance, and she all of a sudden, you know, he opened his heart, and she almost just turned around and felt him immediately in that presence. And we had several guys mention something very similar. One guy actually said he was talking on the phone to a friend who happened to be a woman, and she goes, “I can tell something’s changed. Your energy is different.”
Erin Holt 8:46
We relate in energy and feeling. It’s just our language. It’s so easy for us. So when you guys are coming from a place of blame or insecurity or neediness, not that we’re not insecure too, but coming with that energy, even if your words are saying something different, it just doesn’t land. We can get our spidey senses up.
Doug Holt 9:07
I can see that. And so something we talk about a lot on this show, we talk a lot to the men, and you brought it up, is when a guy says, you know, “Hey, my wife’s not interested in sex.” The truth is, she’s just not interested in sex with him.
Erin Holt 9:22
And it’s hard to hear. And in some way, he might not be with her either. But I guess to remove some of the ouch of that, she’s not interested in sex with you because of the dynamic and the way that the energy is between you two.
Doug Holt 9:36
Yep, exactly. Another thing I’ll bring up to the guys: if she’s not interested in going into the bedroom, one thing you could do is try to make the bedroom more fun. Make it a more enjoyable experience, a more fun experience, versus a boring or crappy one. That seems to hit home with a lot of the guys. A lot of the guys kind of have that aha moment when I talk to them about that and about trying to make the situation more enjoyable. Because, I mean, who wants to go do anything that’s not enjoyable, right? Versus if you have some fun in the bedroom, you have connection, you have great sex, everybody feels good. I mean, you and I are always more connected. Everything’s better. Yep, everything’s better. The house is better. The skies are blue again. And so in bringing that dynamic back in, because it’s so taboo in our culture to talk about sex openly, you know, people just don’t do it. There’s a few things people don’t talk about. Yet we’re all here because somebody else had sex, our parents. But yet it’s interesting. It’s funny, because when I asked you this question this morning, I thought you were going to come back with the number one thing being around safety, not sex, which is awesome, because I’m learning something too. And I know that you polled those ladies in the morning too, which is also fun. So if you were to guesstimate, and I know you now represent all women all around the world, if you were to guesstimate, let’s just use the US, Canada, Western society, the UK, Europe, how many women, what percentage out of 10, would you say are satisfied sexually?
Erin Holt 11:22
Do you want me to answer honestly? Not many. And again, I’m not claiming all men, because I just want to be very clear about that.
Doug Holt 11:30
Well, some women have sexual hang ups too, right? Just from cultural…
Erin Holt 11:34
I mean, oh my gosh, there’s so much trauma. This is such a big question. It is a very blanket statement. I think everybody knows that our bodies work very differently as far as the time that it takes to get aroused and to feel good. I will say that a lot of times women aren’t given enough time and attention to get to a place where the level of pleasure increases tenfold with more time and attention and actually having a partner that wants to do that, not just doing it to do it. Again, everything’s energy. Having the skill set, and if not having the skill set, taking time to learn the skill set.
Doug Holt 12:11
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only do you need to know what’s broken, but also a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re gonna be toiling with things. That’s why I created a free training. A training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have, but also how you get it back. How do you retain that, where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said, “I do”? I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, I feel like I can conquer the world, and I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That’s thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now, back to the podcast.
Erin Holt 13:14
Not every time that’s going to happen, because quickies have a time and place. But I talk to a lot of women and girlfriends, and women are ready for an upgrade in their sexual lives and really, honestly, want to be with their partners. Deep down, they really want to be with their man. They really want it to be them. It’s not that they’re seeking outside of the relationship. Women are craving more pleasure.
Doug Holt 13:38
I think most men would like to be the ones giving it to them. I think so too. So the disconnect, I think, comes in the communication, expectations, and stories. I think that’s where a lot of it comes in, the communication between two partners, the stories, the expectations. Women are the same way. If their man doesn’t orgasm, they feel like, “What did I do wrong?” They take it personally, completely personally. And men can too, right? Sex is one of those things that we think we’re just supposed to know. Everybody just knows how to do this thing, right? I know when I started studying and taking courses and things like that, it was super eye-opening. I did it for The Brotherhood. I put together a sexual mastery class. All the guys came into that thinking it was all going to be about moves and techniques, and 90% of it was about energy and getting your energetic self right, which frankly turned off some of the guys, because they were expecting skills. Like, you know, the secret move that you could do. But other guys were like, holy cow, this made a huge difference, because she feels safe. She feels safe, she feels connected.
Erin Holt 14:53
Seen, wanted, desired.
Doug Holt 14:57
I’ll often say, also, I have another question for you. Women need connection to want to have sex, and men need sex to get connection. It’s not all the time, but it’s kind of an interesting thing. So somebody has to take the first step in one direction or the other. And let me guess, who would you like to take the first step?
Erin Holt 15:22
Well, here’s the thing, they’re both important. One’s not higher than the other. A woman’s not really interested in sex unless she feels emotionally connected to you. She just isn’t. Can she do it? Yes. Is it as pleasurable or as good, or is it mind-blowing? Absolutely not.
Doug Holt 15:38
That’s awesome. If you were to, for a guy listening to this right now, who’s going, “Okay, well, I kind of have sex, you know, with my wife, and I think it’s kind of good,” what would you recommend? How does he start? How does he start in this exploration, from a female’s perspective? Again, you’re representing all women, or just the four women that were in my garage this morning talking to their husbands. What would you recommend he start with?
Erin Holt 16:06
Okay, I’m going to answer that question. I just want to say one other thing that ties in a lot that I hear over and over again, and I also experience myself, and it’s not sexy, but facing it and knowing this, you get the sexier version of your wife. And I know you guys have your own version of it, but the mental load that women hold our brains are diffused constantly noticing all the things that need to be done, all the things that aren’t done, doing one thing while thinking about 14 other things. Trust me, we wish we could focus on one thing. That would be so nice. That is exceptionally exhausting for us and consuming.
I hear this time and time again. We’re making dinner, or we’re cleaning, or getting stuff organized for the next three days that this person needs. If you walk into the room or the kitchen and say, “Oh, how can I help?” that is literally the least helpful thing you could ever say, and the experience is just honestly quite repulsive.
That’s where I hear from women all the time that it’s like, “I feel like I have another child in my husband,” because you’re the other adult that lives in this house, that created these children (if you have children), that created this entire system here. If you can’t walk in and contribute, and I have to tell you what to do like one of the children like, “Here, please clean this pile of mess that you made. Please empty the dishwasher” and lead them and be in charge, if she has to do that with you, it’s an extreme turn-off. Over and over again, she just kind of gives up.
That’s where a lot of disconnection and lack of respect towards our men and sexual desire comes in, because in her experience, she’s managing everything on her own. So just a key there: notice what needs to be done and do it. Do it from A to Z. Do not leave her four dishes because you got annoyed and don’t want to finish. That gives her the experience of, “Oh my gosh, I can’t count on you to finish anything.”
These things are not sexy, but if you want to be able to access the sexiest part of your woman, where she can then relax because she needs to be able to relax and be in her parasympathetic state to get to her sexual energy anything you can do to connect with her, to relieve stress, to give her time and space to connect to herself, to get into her parasympathetic (which is the opposite of stress), you’re going to get a different version of her.
So know your woman, know how to do that. Does she need to go on a walk after dinner while you do the cleanup? Does she need space to not be “on,” so she can connect to herself, which then allows her to connect to her sexual energy? That is the key. It’s going to look different for every season little kids, teenagers, no kids, big jobs, no jobs but knowing how to help her relax and connect to herself is one of the biggest things you can provide.
Doug Holt 19:23
And so I know a lot of guys out there are going to be thinking, “Well, gee, I’m working all day. I’m slaving away. Her job is to take care of the home.” I know when you and I were going through our really hard times, I remember getting resentful at times with you, like, “Well, why do I have to do the dishes? I’ve been working 8–10 hours in a day. You’re sitting on the couch eating bonbons all day.” Heavy stuff. But this is the story.
One of the things that helped me out and I’m saying this for the men, not for you was this: I thought, “All right, if Erin and I don’t work out, if we don’t make it through this storm, I’m going to be doing this shit myself anyway. So why don’t I just do it now? I’m going to be working and I’m going to have a lot more to do on the home front, so what?” And that helped me. That gave me a better justification of, “Okay, cool, I can do this stuff. I can help out here. I can do this.”
It wasn’t me helping. I just thought, “I’ll just get this stuff done.” That helped me with the justification part, where it allowed me to make that mental bridge between being critical of you and critical of, “Why do I have to do this?” It helped me make the leap. Because I know a lot of men listening, they and their partners have traditional marriages, like you and I do more traditional and that’s a criticism a lot of them have. So anyway, hope that helps them out there to make that leap. It’s not the most positive one, but it’s a beginning start, okay? Now I just look at it more as a partnership.
Erin Holt 21:04
Yes, partnership. And it’s also another thing, from a woman’s perspective: yes, you guys are working hard, and a lot of women work outside the home too, or do the part-time thing, like I do, and also primary parent. I mean, it’s just nonstop. If you have kids, it’s nonstop. It just is. And it’s the best thing ever. It’s literally the best thing ever.
Whoever is the primary parent and primary caregiver at home there’s never “off.” That’s the other thing you might want to take a look at. Sometimes, I know business, you run yourself, you can technically stop your emails and take some time off, but you’re always thinking. But home life it never ends. Laundry is never done, feeding a family is never done. It’s just constant.
So having open perspectives from both sides and realizing, “Hey, we’re doing this life together. I want this to feel good for her, for me, for our kids,” and demonstrating, allowing people to be their best selves, I think is one of the best gifts you can give to your kids.
At different stages, it’s reevaluating. Like, you couldn’t breastfeed. I could. I tried. That looked very different, and I was doing so much more heavy lifting as far as the children at that point. But you could not contribute. Our kids did not take bottles. So it’s just different. And I know you’re ready to say a joke right now. I can see your face.
Doug Holt 22:23
I put vinegar in the bottle. That was tough for us. That was tough. I agree with you, and I would counter that businessmen don’t turn off either. But to me, what’s worked out for our marriage is looking at more of a partnership.
There are times you leave dishes in the sink, and times you don’t. We ebb and flow with what we want done in the kitchen or around the house. Sometimes you’re like, “I can’t stand this, it’s disorganized,” and you clean and want everything organized. And sometimes you make it a mess, and I want it organized. We all go through our seasons.
What you and I have done really well is not coming from a place of resentment, but trying to laugh about it and look at it differently. People forget that your spouse is different. Their level of cleanliness might be different, their tolerance different, and you come to a consensus of what works.
Last night, I made the steak. We both helped out with the kids and got things going. You made corn. You made the rest of the meal for us, and we had a great time. We talked about this this morning. Great time as a family in the kitchen laughing, talking, and having fun. It was a great time. And that’s possible, but when you’re in the middle of the crap, you don’t see that.
But what I do want to get back to is that one thing. Going back to what’s that one thing that women want their men to know: let’s make sex fun. Women want their men to, in most cases, take the leadership role around that. Educate yourself on how to pleasure a woman, what the female anatomy is, how it’s done, what to do.
Guys, you can follow female influencers on social media that talk about this for men. There’s even a woman I follow on TikTok who teaches women in the lesbian lifestyle how to pleasure their partners. And I’m like, “Well, geez, it’s the same anatomy as my wife. I’m just a hairy lesbian.”
There are things you can do like that. I don’t care people can cancel you or whatever they do these days but there are things you can do: follow those people, read books, get education. There’s really no excuse other than not making it a priority.
You can also ask your partner. You and I have open conversations. It’s not like we talk about it all the time, but we will talk about, “Hey, what do you like?” and do that. We’ll do it in the bedroom and out of the bedroom.
Guys can step in and get educated. Your women want you to get educated. Make the bedroom fun again. And this all starts with a foundation: she has to feel safe first. Yes, she has to feel safe. She has to feel seen and heard, and that’s the basis.
Awesome. Thanks so much for bringing this to the men and to the world. Thanks for having me. Thank your girlfriends and your clients for sharing it with us as well. Maybe what I could do is forward this on to all the husbands I know, so they know this is the conversation happening in my garage.
Honestly, thank you for all that you do for the men in the movement, and for being all you do for our kids and me. Thank you.
Gentlemen, I often say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. Look, everybody likes having sex, but nobody likes vanilla sex. It’s boring, it’s just not worth it. I talk to guys all the time that tell me, “Well, my wife does it out of obligation,” or, “The bedroom… we have sex once a month, or very few and far between,” and they’d like to have more intimacy.
Well, it starts with that baseline of safety, then making your wife feel seen and heard. In our program, The Activation Method, we have something we call the Triad of Connection. I’m not going to go through that right now, but that is your foundation. You need that.
And then take leadership. Educate yourself. Have these conversations. If you’re not in a place where you can have these conversations because you’re either embarrassed or you guys are fighting, then just go educate yourself. You’ve learned so many skills in life. Why not learn this one and make it better? It’s not something we’re taught.
So let’s get rid of all the voices in our heads that tell us we can’t do this. Boys, we can. I’m always on a path of growing, always on a path of learning. I know there’s a lot more that I can learn, and I’m committed to doing so.
So join me on that. Gentlemen, anything I can do for you, as always, let me know, and we’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
