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Be A Man

Episode #86

Women want to be led by a man who knows what he is doing and knows where he is going. Part of it comes from feeling secure from the person who’s leading her. She needs to know that her partner is man enough to be a strong foundation for her and for their family.

In order to become the powerful man that your wife needs, you should first recognize where you are now and know where you are going. You must define for yourself what it means to be a man and not rely on what the society dictates on how to be a man. Know your potential and know what kind of man you are capable of becoming.

Do not be afraid to step up and be a powerful man. Be a man who takes care of himself so that he can take care of his partner.

To be a powerful man, you must be capable of leading your partner emotionally through your energy, time, attention and strength.

In order for you to lead, you must have a vision for your family, you should know what your desires are and where you want to go. If you have all these, your partner will see you as a man and they can put their trust in you and they will feel more secure and loved.

In this episode you will learn:

  1. What it means to be a powerful man
  2. How to lead your partner
  3. The importance of knowing where you are and where you’re going
  4. How to understand your potential


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Episode Transcript

Tim Matthews 0:00  

He’s coming off the back of the wall. I’ve heard a lot of the guys talk about The Alpha Reset. They hear so often, usually mainly from the wife, the talk, just be a man, why can’t you just be a man, be a man, be a man. And they’re like, well, what the hell does that mean? I don’t know what she means when she says that.

Doug Holt 0:20  

Hello everyone, and welcome to another episode of the powerful man show. I am your host, Doug Holt, with my co-host, Tim, the powerful man Matthews. Tim, what’s going on, brother?

Tim Matthews 0:33  

I’m great. Very well, indeed. How are you?

Doug Holt 0:38  

I’m doing fantastic, man. As most people know, we record three of these in one go on usual, depending on our schedules, of course. I liked our conversation with the last show that we did. It’s always fun to get those out there. And I just kind of always picture Tim. I envision that one guy, that one guy listening and getting the insight that helps him live his ideal life, really gets them out of the weeds and helps them move forward. He did that.

Tim Matthews 1:14  

For sure. Nothing with it.

Doug Holt 1:17  

Awesome. So, Tim, you had a topic that you wanted to bring to the table today.

Tim Matthews 1:21  

So this is coming off the back of the wall. I’ve heard a lot of the guys talk about The Alpha Reset. And that they hear so often from people around them, whether it’s from the wife, or well, usually mainly from the wife. The talk, just be a man, why can’t you be a man? And they’re like, well, what the hell? What does that mean? Like, be a man? Well, I don’t know what she means when she says that. And I think the look on her face is part of it is an embarrassment because I don’t want to admit that. 

I don’t know what that means to the woman in my life. But I think part of it is evident frustration because we get told in so many different avenues and walks of life to grow up and be a man and man up and all those things. And it’s created such a divide within society as well because a lot of that has then been was fueled by men, pushing down their emotions and fueling the suicide epidemic. Spend it, and we now know that it’s not working for us. But then what’s the other option? Does that mean the other option is that I go out there and I just cry every opportunity? Do I? What does it mean? So I want to dive into this because I think this is something that I used to struggle with quite a lot. Then I used to secretly struggle with this because I used to act like I had it all together, growing the business and the success we’re having and the other things going on with it. My lifestyle that the house and the wedding that we’d booked and all the rest of it. But behind the scenes, that just felt broken, quite honestly, and empty. And this concept of stepping up a man and often it was lost on me. So I’d love to hear your take on this. And the few things I want to feed into this conversation as well. But I never know where these are going to go. Let’s see if that’s relevant when to start, sharing here, but take it away. I’d love to hear your thoughts.

Doug Holt 3:36  

I think, a lot of these guys, they’re getting, it’s the moment of frustration. So the person that’s calling them out is frustrated. And they’re asking him, like, step up and be a man. And I think what they’re saying is, in that sentence, in that claim is looking, you’re not the man you can be.  I see, I see the man within you. And you’re not that man. And it changes for everybody on what that looks like, and of course roles and what have you. And often, when this conversation happens, we hear it’s when the man has lost his way. We go through, talk about the hero’s journey. Allison Armstrong says some great books on the journey of men, going from different stages. And for a lot of guys, let’s just be honest, a lot of guys, if you are being honest with yourself, good gentlemen, you are pretending to be a man because you don’t know what it means you haven’t defined what being a man, let alone a powerful man means to you. 

And it’s not your fault. Society has tried to label it through action movies, and that’s about all you get. But you also know those are fake. So what does that look like? There aren’t many role models, and chances are your parents, your father, maybe your grandfather didn’t have the opportunity to teach you. They were working. They weren’t around. And so you went through life, your teenage years, the metamorphosis that happens around between 18 and 23. And then you came out the other end gone crap. Now what? And you started hustling, pretending, resorting to hustling with work, alcohol, drugs, women, porn, all these other distractions, video games that you can get into, and not focused on really your true potential. And I know talking to women, my wife, coaches, women, that’s her specialty. 

So I get, I always get to hear what these women are complaining about with their men. And often, their biggest complaint is, look, they love you, they see you for who you are just like you can see your best friend for who they are. They also know your potential. If you’re not living up to it, you’re letting them down, other people down. And odds are when you’re not that guy; you become an asshole. You just do; you’re not happy with yourself. You’re not happy with your outcomes. You’re not happy with your life, and no one around you is happy, either. You’re not fun to be around, and you’re not good to be around. And what’s happened, gentlemen, if you haven’t taken the time to define what it is to be a man clearly. And what does it mean to be a powerful man, a very distinct difference there? Very distinct. Being a man is a great step. And I would say most men never attain that. Being a powerful man is a whole other level. It’s a whole different level to go through. And so Tim, that’s what I think is the first part here is recognizing where are you now? Are you pretending? Or are you playing?

Tim Matthews 6:47  

I love it. I think, to echo what you were saying when the men get faced with this by the people they love, I agree that part of where they see the potential there. And I think also the big problem is that they want to be led. The women want to be led. And they want to be led, or power has been led rather, comes from feeling secure in the person leading you. What forms part of a great leader, part of his vision, isn’t it? It has a vision, seeing something, and then enrolling people into the vision, and having such certainty and confidence around the vision that people are willing to follow you. And not only that is walking in that path as well. So that your actions speak louder than your words. And I think, often, two questions that the men, when I speak with the men when they come into the program, the two questions that they cannot answer. And they want to be able to have times where they just did just a search, and they’ve lost, who am I and what do I want, and obviously, where the donor who they are, and they don’t know what they want, of course, as there is no vision. 

So bringing that back to the leadership from the woman, the woman wants to be led by a man who knows where he’s going. And if you then are drifting, because you’ve got to have the money thinking that being a man, then, you’ve got to make money. Being a man, then, you’ve got to tolerate pain. Being a man means you’ve got to work for hours and sacrifice and hustle and grind. That’s, in my opinion, our opinion in our world. That is not what it means to be a man, especially not a powerful man. You can play in that realm from time to time, but that’s not what it means to be a man at all. And I think, first and foremost, how the women in our lives want to be led emotionally as well. A big part of it has been led emotionally and feeling that the money’s there. 

So often hear at alpha resets that the happiest times in the relationship have been when they’ve had nothing. Yet for the men for the man, that’s probably when he felt most like a failure. Because he’s not provided financially or in a worldly manner, because he believes he must have those things to be a man and provide for the woman, he’s providing his energy, providing his time, providing his attention, and providing his strength. That is in providing that she feels safe and secure with him because he is a man at that moment.

Doug Holt 9:41  

Hey, sorry to interrupt the show. But I wanted to ask you a question. Do you ever feel like something’s just missing, like there’s something more out there, and you just can’t put your finger on it. I get it. Go over right now to ThePowerfulMan.com to discover the system that other people in business just Like you are using; we’ve included 10 case studies, ten men just like you who have found the solution and found their way on their path. But we want to share that with you. Go over to ThePowerfulMan.com right away. Now let’s get back to the show. 

Well, I mean, that we’d say, in Relationship Coaching, the woman wants the man to be strong and solid in his foundation so that she can melt into him, she needs to know for sure that when she falls, because she is going to fall, and all our craziness comes out, that he will be there to pick her up. She needs to have that trust. And if she doesn’t, she’s going to rely on her father. And her father’s not around, and her partner can’t do it; she’s going to rely on somebody else because that’s what she needs. And as men, if you aren’t the man, you’re not stepping to the line, you’re not a powerful man, you’re not able to do that. And chances are you’re hiding out. Now, you may not like me saying that, but you’re probably hiding out in business. You were probably hiding out in other areas of your life where you feel successful. Rather than facing those dark areas, those areas inside of your mind, your soul that you know was there but didn’t want to talk about. I don’t want anybody else to see. Because you’re too afraid to step into those areas. And if what I say or what Tim says upsets you, it’s just a quick coaching thing, if it upsets you in any way, shape, or form what we’re saying even if you just disagree, but it upsets you, then deep down you know it’s true. And that’s even more of a call-out for you. As an individual, I’m talking to one of you specifically, yes, you exactly. The time for you to step up and be a man. What is a man? Well, you have to define it yourself to some degree. 

Now at the powerful man, we define what a powerful man is, who it is. But it’s very individualistic. A powerful man protects his pack. He stands for what he believes in, and he fills his cup. He takes care of himself so that he can take care of his pack. He is the alpha, not the Beecher. Your arms on your chest, alpha, but he is the alpha of his family, the alpha of his business, the alpha of his community. You were leading by example and leading a fulfilled life. There are too many people out there, guys, pretending there are too many men out there living crappy lives because they think they should. They’re working a job that they don’t like, they’re in an unfulfilling relationship, and they’re not living after their dreams. They probably even stop dreaming. The world doesn’t need more people like that, that those are boys. I don’t care how old you are, and you can be an eight-year-old boy. We’ve all known these people. You can also be a young man and have stepped up and stepped into it. And part of that has to do with getting optics, and we always talk about that you have to know where you are. And frequently, more often than not, it helps to have somebody else help you get that. The second thing is once you know where you are, you need to know where you’re going. In the powerful man, we talk about one destination, two paths, the same destination, and two paths to try to get there. And I use the word try deliberately here. 

One path is the way that most people go hustling, and they keep reaching a certain level, and you collapse, you fall, and then you build yourself back up. And then you collapse and then Okay, I got this, this time, and you build yourself up. That’s the path of a boy, maybe an ordinary man. The other path, the path of the powerful man, is much more deliberate, much more round, ease and flow don’t mean you don’t work hard because you certainly do. But it’s a much more directed and guided path. And that’s what women mean when they say to be the man, step up. I wish you could just be a man in this relationship, or I wish you could just step up and take care of things or whatever version that they’re telling you or they’re saying to you, whether they’re saying it out loud, or they’re saying it, they’re saying it with their actions, or you can just feel it. That’s what they’re asking you to do. They’re saying, hey, look, I need you to be strong enough. I need you to be strong enough to get help. I need you to be strong enough to step up for our family. I need you to face your demons. I need you to be strong enough for us. That’s what they’re saying.

Tim Matthews 14:41  

For sure, I think you’re hitting the nail on the head here when we’re talking about being able to lead yourself knowing what you want to know who you are. I mean, without that, it cuts the foundation. I mean, if you’ve never actually defined what it is that you want, I mean, I was speaking to a business owner yesterday. And he has a successful retail business. And he is also a property portfolio. And his exact words are, “I just don’t know why I’m doing this.I thought that I needed to make money, and I’ve got money. But he just doesn’t. It just doesn’t mean anything. I don’t understand why I’m doing this, I don’t understand what I want anymore,” I just, and it was searching for the words because it was a reflection of him searching in his life. And in that position of not knowing what it is that you desire, you’re not going to be able to lead you just you’re just not, or if you do lead, you’re going to be leading from a place of false leadership because you’ll be leading people pretending, leaving your family rather, pretending like you know where you’re going. But in reality, you don’t have a vision. 

You don’t have a vision for your family or yourself. So they’re following you, but you are quite blind. And sometimes, we haven’t where the men lead the families down quite a dark path. And when I say a dark path, the path whereby the man becomes an absent father, and although he’s there, is not there, he becomes angry and starts to cycle through the five agonies because he’s lost in no man’s land. And it’s not about the experience in the five organisms, No Man’s London, you shouldn’t be there. Because the reality is, most men are there. Most achievers anywhere, some guys aren’t there because they are just happy to settle with what they’ve got. That’s cool. Nothing wrong with that. But I know you and me, Doug, and we’ve been in the five agonists. It’s like the curse of the achiever is part of the growth plan that they will go through that we all go through. So it’s not about not experiencing them; it’s about realizing he is there. But actually, ask him for help. Like this man I spoke with yesterday, he’s losing meaning and focus in his life. And he realizes the effect that’s having on his family. He then turned to drugs and other things to get some kind of meaning and structure in his life. But it’s just not working. So in terms of being a man, for sure, everyone gets to put their meaning on it for us; like you were saying, Doug, we provide a framework for the men in which they can paint their picture. 

But the overriding vision of that fills them with a set of virtues and values. It will help them navigate their path and navigate to a particular place. To be a man, I think part of it as well. You’ve got to surround yourself with other men that are also on that path. It’s like the village elders. When in a lot of tribes, you knew you were a man back then because, at a certain point in your age 15 or 16, you would go through a rite of passage, during which you may have to go and spend four days out on your own and kill something with your bare hands and eat and forage. You do all these things and maybe some of the challenges after which you have graduated and proved that you’re a man. You can stand on your own two feet. You can provide. You can control yourself, and what the means in the tribe is that you will then step into a certain position within the tribe, within the community, where certain things will be expected of you; you are then given a new identity. And that’s what’s lost. We believed that being a man meant going to work, and men went to work, women stayed at home. And that was what the tale through the 50s lived on about the 60s, but 40s 50s men go to work, women stay at home. And we are now moving out of that because it’s been the rise of the past 10, 20 years, women have risen, which has been a great thing. But men have been left behind. And as a result of an outdated model of what it means to be a man, men are now lost, not knowing how to handle it, which has led to suicide; you’ve got to redefine it, you cannot ignore this, and there’s nothing wrong with it. If you don’t know what it means to you. It doesn’t mean that you’re less of a man; it doesn’t mean that you’re weak or a failure. It doesn’t mean any of those things. You’ve just more than likely fallen for the fallacy that society tells you that to be a man, just go and make money. You’ve done that, and it’s not working for you. 

So it’s time to reevaluate and redefine what it means to you so that you know you are showing up in alignment with it with the men in the program. Part of what we do for them is gamify it so they can see every week, every day, how they are winning; you’ve got to know where you’re winning if you don’t know how to win the game. And the crazy thing about this is you set the rules of the game. We all set the rules of the game. But if you don’t know how to set the game’s rules, and you’re not even focusing on whether you’re winning or not, how can you build your confidence and self-image? You just can’t. So take action on this guy’s if this like Doug said if this was calling to you when he called you out when you got triggered, and you’re looking at yourself, pay attention to this because without having this piece in place is a foundational piece to everything you do in your life. So an absolute foundational piece, your business is a reflection of you. Your marriage is a reflection of you, and your body is a reflection of you. Your finances are a reflection of you. So you don’t need to look very far to get some symptoms of how you are showing up. You’ve got to address this.

Doug Holt 21:17  

Beautifully said so, gentlemen, if you find yourself in this situation, and I’m guessing you do. This is your call-out. This is your time. What is a man, be the man? What does it mean to be a powerful man? Is a powerful man too afraid to admit that they don’t know? Not. Is a powerful man afraid to ask for help? No, not. This is your chance to step up. Get rid of preconceived notions and live your best life today. This is your chance you don’t have a backpack at pocket life. This is your chance. There’s no reset button in your life. There’s no do-over. Let’s go back ten years and start again. This is your time at this moment. And as I always say, the moment of insight is a chance for you to take massive action. 

Guys, that’s it for us today. Of course, if any of this resonates with you, and you’re interested in seeing how other guys have done it, we’ve just put together some case studies. So you can just see other men, other men just like you, and how they’ve gone through their journey. They’ve gone through the agonies; they’ve gone into their territories and gotten some actual information. Some learnings go over to ThePowerfulMan.com. Just go over there, check it out. Make sure you watch the video and go through and look at those case studies. You’re going to see many great guys in there that are near and dear to my heart, true powerful men. And I hope that you’re able to step into that role, whatever that means for you. That’s it for us today for this episode of the powerful man show, and we’ll see you next time.