Episode #1036
Are you truly living, or just getting through the day?
In this episode, Doug and Coach Steve have an honest conversation about purpose, aging, marriage, and the kind of legacy most men never stop to think about. Not legacy in the financial sense, but how you show up as a man, how you lead at home, and what you’re quietly passing on to your kids.
They share stories of mentors, tough transitions, and the moments that force you to ask, “Is this really the life I want to be living?” From broken trust to burnout, to feeling stuck in the same daily routine, this is a conversation about what it really looks like to turn things around.
You’ll hear what happens when men stop waiting and start making bold, uncomfortable moves toward growth. And why living with intention today might be the most important gift you leave behind.
If you’ve been playing it safe or telling yourself it’s not that bad, this episode might be the wake-up call you need.
If your relationship feels stuck and you’re not sure how to fix it, get the free training at https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales. It breaks down exactly what’s going wrong and gives you a clear, proven path to rebuild connection and trust without dragging your wife into another hard conversation.
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Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
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Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
We don’t spend enough time on those relationships, and we don’t give them the attention they deserve until it’s too late.
Steve 0:07
It’s the one thing trust. Trust is the one thing. He goes, if there’s even a hint of jealousy, he goes, I know that there’s not trust.
Doug Holt 0:21
You see a dramatic difference. You see them age so quickly the ones that don’t have purpose, really.
Steve 0:27
And so a lot of times people think, “Oh, I’m in my 50s, you know, I can’t keep doing that stuff.” And then I look at these guys, they’re in their 80s and 90s doing these things. Why? Why can’t you?
Doug Holt 0:42
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. I am greeted by our special guest, one of our master coaches, the man himself, Coach Steve. And we are going to have a fantastic conversation, one that is going to have a lot of depth, and it’s going to go maybe a different angle different angle than we typically go. So I think you guys are really going to enjoy it, and stick to the end because I think you’ll get some practical tips that you can share. Steve, thanks for being here, man.
Steve 1:11
Thanks, man. It’s awesome. It is fun to be here.
Doug Holt 1:14
We’re about to do TAR coming up here. I’m very excited about that. For the guys that don’t know because I always forget sometimes we have new listeners here, so that… Well, I’ll let you explain. What’s the TAR mean to you?
Steve 1:26
Oh, for me? So for me, it meant everything. It meant a transition. For me, like when I was lucky enough to attend as a participant, I was transitioning from one role in my life and one role in my business to an entirely different role. So for me, it was a huge transition opportunity.
Doug Holt 1:47
Awesome. So the TAR is The Alpha Reset. That’s what TAR stands for. We use a lot of abbreviations in TPM again, TPM being one of them. And it is a really… it’s a three-day, but we call it a four-day transformational experience. And you’re going to be leading this TAR. I’m going to be blessed to be assisting you, along with Coach Mike, with Eric also here volunteering. That guy’s amazing.
Steve 2:10
He’s bringing so much energy, so much experience, and like transition, transformation, yes. He’s got some huge transformational experiences. For him to share that with the guys, I can’t wait.
Doug Holt 2:23
I can’t either, man. It’s gonna be great. And so today you want to throw something on the table. You and I were talking before you even got here about this idea of legacy. And we have a whole event going on in the Sonoma/Napa area coming in November that the men in The Brotherhood and the Inner Circle are going to be attending. It’s all about legacy. But let’s talk about you know, why did you want to bring this up, and what came to your mind?
Steve 2:47
Well, a lot of things came to my mind. I just lost a dear friend two weeks ago named Neil Fergus. Neil is a legend of a man. If you Google him, you’ll just be amazed at the things that this guy achieved in his life. But the legacy he left was a legacy of love. and it just blew my mind, because my relationship with Neil started… I met Neil because I do ARS in the morning. He was a morning gym guy. I met his wife, I met him, and then one day he came without his wife. I’m like, “What’s going on, Neil? Why isn’t your wife here, Jane?” And he’s a big, massive man, and I could see in his eyes, I could see in just his whole being, as he pulled out a picture and said, “You know Jane, right? Well, I lost Jane like two weeks ago. It was the first time I could actually be back here.” Right? And I then got to know Neil a lot over the next six years. And what I learned was just about the love love that he had. This huge, massive man, and he was brought to his knees by Jane. And so the legacy of love was just amazing.
Doug Holt 4:02
Well, I think, you know, that’s awesome. And you’ve shared some of this story with me as well, and he sounds like an amazing guy. We should probably go into more of that. And, you know, when I owned a Personal Training Studio in Santa Barbara in my 20s, I was coaching and working with some people in their 70s. And every one of them had either regrets or cherished memories but usually both around their relationships. And so often as businessmen, you know, we don’t spend enough time on those relationships, and we don’t give them the attention they deserve until it’s too late.
Steve 4:42
That’s right, But he didn’t. What’s interesting is, so he was married to Jane for 43 years. That was his second marriage, okay? And when I went to the service for Jane, one thing that blew me away was the ex was there too. They had this loving family, this blended family. And so he took I don’t know the details of why it didn’t work out with his first wife but he ended up having an amazing second marriage for 43 years. And the way that they navigated and transitioned and just loved on everybody it was one big family. Right? And so one thing he told me, I asked him of course, I was getting into this business, right? and I’m like, “Neil, when I meet these guys, what can you give me as far as tips of a happy marriage?” He goes, “There’s only one thing, Steve. It’s only one thing.” I go, “What’s the one thing?” “Trust. Trust is the one thing,” he goes. “If there is even a hint of jealousy,” he goes, “I know that there’s not trust.”
Doug Holt 5:55
That makes a lot of sense, and it’s probably the biggest thing that we get thousands of men that inquire every month, and one of the biggest things is trust on one side or the other. there’s that. There’s the trust of an emotional or physical affair. There’s also what the women talk about do they trust their man to actually do the work and to create a safe environment? I was recently talking to a woman who specializes in coaching women on relationships. She wants me to be on her podcast, and she was kind of asking what we do. I mentioned it to her, and she goes, “Oh my gosh, that’s exactly what I told my husband, but he doesn’t get it.” you know? “I don’t feel I don’t trust him to be an emotional safe place for me.” And so we went through some very dark, dark times, Doug, and I think that holds really true. Trust has got to be the foundation, right?
Steve 6:49
Absolutely. And consistency like, if he said he’s gonna do something, he did it. And he’s also adamant about something: he’s like, if you don’t enjoy doing it, don’t do it. Like, why are you wasting your life, right? And one of the other Neil-isms or adages was, “I’m just going to keep living until I can’t.” So here he is, 95, and took his last motorcycle ride two weeks before he passed. Wow. I mean, it just blew me away.
Doug Holt 7:23
You shared a couple other ones with me and Colton, who does our production here. Can you share some more for the listeners? I thought they were amazing.
Steve 7:30
So I’m gonna pull out a card if you don’t mind, because this is something I’ll always remember him by. He’s American Motorcyclist he was on the magazine cover, right? So one of the things he said about riding motorcycles: “You don’t quit riding when you get old. You get old when you quit riding.” Right? And that could apply to anything, right? If the thing you enjoy doing isn’t riding but it’s hiking, if it’s playing tennis, if it’s whatever the sport, whatever the activity, right? You don’t get old until you stop doing the thing that you love doing.
Doug Holt 8:08
So true. I mean, how many people do you see age when they go for an official retirement? There’s two types of guys. There’s guys that move on to philanthropy, or to another business, or another career as you transitioned. Or there’s people that just quit altogether, and they get on the cruise ship, you know, and that’s all they do. And you see a dramatic difference. You see them age so quickly the ones that don’t have purpose, really.
Steve 8:31
Exactly. Or you keep doing that thing because you’re afraid to switch and change to something else, So the thing that you keep doing kills you, Or you finally quit it, but you quit it too late, and it killed you five years ago. You just didn’t know it. It was quietly killing you, right? So the other thing about living, the other thing that he said, if you’re not living on the edge, you’re taking up space.
Doug Holt 8:57
Wow, that’s one to think about. Well, how would a guy know if he’s living on the edge?
Steve 9:05
Hmm, do you wake up with enthusiasm and excitement for the day? is one way you’re living on the edge. Are you taking on a challenge? Are you doing something that in your gut makes you feel nervous? Leading the TAR, might make you feel a bit nervous, right? but you’re living in that edge, right? So those are the two key things in my mind.
Doug Holt 9:31
You’re gonna laugh at me here. I like this, and I add on to it. We use Teamwork, and TPM is our project management software. I have a task that’s reoccurring and private only to me. Comes back it’s basically, “Are you doing something that scares you?” And it comes up once a week, just as a reminder to me to push into my edge and make sure I’m doing something scary. And it doesn’t have to be scary like I’m not talking BASE jumping or wearing the squirrel suit or what have you, that’s not my thing, yeah but pushing the edge. And maybe it’s for me, maybe it’s putting myself out there more. Maybe it’s talking about the struggles in my marriage. That was a huge push for me. I had no desire to come out publicly and say, “Hey, my wife and I had problems,” but I did so to help other people. And man, was that leaning into my edge.
Steve 10:21
Oh, 100% right, right? The best experience I had living into my edge and this was part of my transition story was a buddy of mine I went to college with kept asking me when I’d go on a bike ride with him, when I’d go on a bike ride with him. And what he meant by bike ride was like an adventure, 8–10–12 days. And finally, my mom had passed. I had a lot of responsibility towards my mom, supporting my mom, and he called me, says, “Hey, could you go on the ride with me come February?” And I’m like, my mom’s passed, like that was holding me back. That’s not holding me back anymore. I’m scared as shit. I’ve never done anything like this. I’d never ridden a bicycle more than like 30 or 40 miles, right? Let alone a bicycle for 350 miles down the California coast with all my gear and all my pack on it. And my wife Robin dropped me off. He was riding down from Portland, okay? And I met him up in just above Arcata, California. She dropped me off in Arcata, California. I started riding north on One, and it was raining and all that, and I’m circling, she’s videoing me, and she goes, “How do you feel right now?” I am scared shitless, like I really am scared. But I know my buddy is like 30 miles north of me, and he’s expecting me to be there, so I’m gonna do it and I’m gonna go. And that was like eight years ago. That’s amazing, man. Since then, I’ve taken other trips like that, and it’s just freaking trust yourself.
Doug Holt 11:54
It reminds me of that Japanese… I’m gonna mispronounce this, but misogi, okay? Where you do something once a year, very difficult, that pushes you and makes you lean into your
Steve 12:05
Edge. 100%. 100%. Since then, we’ve done rides in Moab, Zion, Grand Canyon, and every single time there’s something that we hit a snowstorm, bike breakdown, whatever that makes you lean in and learn something new about yourself.
Wow. So any favorites there? The California coast ride was the favorite, I mean, I got just the exhilaration, that was the absolute favorite. But I could tell stories about all of them. They all have stories about them, right? And honestly, all this ties together because it was meeting guys like Neil, guys in their 80s, like you said, who are still living, yes, who are absolutely living. And so a lot of times people think, “Oh, I’m in my 50s, you know, I can’t keep doing that stuff.” And then I look at these guys, they’re in their 80s and 90s doing these things. Why? Why can’t you? Why can’t you just keep leaning in, learning more, getting uncomfortable, and stop believing that you’ve lived every portion of your life that you possibly could live? There’s so much more to live for.
Doug Holt 13:19
I love that. It’s so interesting to me on something I’ve never understood yet fallen into. It is what I call the idea of being average. You know, complacency is really what I’m trying to say. And I remember, you know, when I was in Santa Barbara, California, I had a gym, had a magazine, and I was consulting. And I had a mentor, and one of the most successful people I’ve ever met still to this day. His name was Bill, and Bill was in his late 70s at the time. And I told Bill what I wanted to do. Back then there wasn’t really digital nomads and that kind of thing. And I told Bill, I said, “Bill, I want to travel the world. I want to have freedom of time. I want to help people out.” I was trying to basically digital nomad coaching is what I was describing, but there wasn’t really any information on that. It didn’t exist. And Bill told me, said, “You’ll never be successful. You can’t do that. If you want to be successful, you got to put your head down and grow these businesses that you have.”
And I heard that from almost everybody. I had an amazing network in Santa Barbara, just amazing people still in touch with some of them. Love them. But it didn’t feel right in the pit of my stomach. Do you know that feeling?
Steve 15:04
Yep, yep.
Doug Holt 15:06
It absolutely… but the smart thing, the logical thing, was put that aside. That’s a pipe dream, Doug, and don’t do it. No. And you know how that story ends? Here we are at the TPM Ranch, right? I did. I just, I moved from Santa Barbara, rolled the dice, and went for it. And really, I started building it strategically, of course, and really went for it. And man, best decision I ever made, because I would still be in Santa Barbara. I would be in a great place, making good money, happy, sure. But that little niggling in the back of my mind would still always be there the “what if.”
Steve 15:44
Yep, yep. That’s one of the reasons why I’m here. Honestly, that’s one of the reasons why I’m here in this seat, because we got nine guys showing up in a few hours, right? And they might be okay, right? But okay is not enough. It might be, you know, average is not enough. You know, I know a little bit about some of these guys, and they’re doing very well, But I want for them so much more. Like, they’ve got to want it, right? But at least, like, you know, we talked about legacy. Like, I’m wearing something for my grandfather, right? Love here. I’ve got another, my other grandfather here too. And so they taught me certain things. They taught me a lot of good things, a lot of good things, but they… but they’re also beliefs that they had that I inherited. Right. Like, “You can’t do this, you can’t have everything.” Right? And as much as I love them, and I learned so much from them, I’m also carrying with me the fact that we could do so much more. Yes, right? And so I’ve achieved a lot more. I know there’s a lot more to be achieved. But if I can help a few guys just see that light and just step out and live on that edge, and if they’re 60, imagine that they’ll be 95 and have lived 35 more years of amazingness. Yes. That’s worth everything.
Doug Holt 16:35
What you mean? It’s rhetorical, right? Because you and I know exactly what’s going to happen here. you know, then we’re going to have nine guys walking out of here. They’re going to feel like they’re unplugged from the matrix, you know. And they’re gonna have those, those next 35 years, as you said. you’re gonna take them all to the promised land of that. I have no doubt about it, What concerns me is, I’ll call it Doug 1.0 who’s listening to this right now, on the treadmill or out walking the streets, you know, just trying because they’re in desperation right now. They’re like, Shit, this… like, can it be better? I’ll just wait it out. It’s not that bad. And they’re thinking of their marriage or their life, or they’re stuck, and they’re just not being decisive and making the decision, which, in turn, is a decision, right? It’s settling, The decision is to settle for average, And it just doesn’t have to be that way. And I want to reach through YouTube, if they’re on the TV or their phone, and just shake them. It doesn’t have to be that way. You’re much nicer than I am, Steve. I’d shake them lovingly, because I care, like dude.
Steve 17:40
Right? I mean, we just When that light comes on, when you realize how much opportunity there is, and you take that one step, and then that one step becomes another step, and it’s just it lights that fire. You just want it for everybody.
Doug Holt 17:58
I want to buy you a gift. Look, if your marriage is struggling and let’s be real, every marriage struggles at some point but yours is struggling where you’ve lost that love, admiration, respect, I want to help you. I want to buy you a copy of the book that I wrote, A Man’s Guide on How to Save Your Marriage Without Talking About It. In here, I’ve distilled over eight years of programs that we’ve developed at TPM to help men just like you save their marriages without talking about it. There’s no fluff, no BS. It’s an action plan that you can start using today to actually save your marriage and bring that love and respect back into your family, back into your house. You deserve it. Look, all I ask is you pay the postage. You pay the shipping. I’ll buy the book for you. That way, you can take massive action today. Click the link or find it in the bio and get your copy now.
Steve 18:50
You want it for everybody, like you said. You’d love to reach down and say, Come on. Let’s do it. Let’s go. What are you waiting for, right? Buy the ticket.
Doug Holt 19:00
Buy the ticket. You already have. You got the ticket. You got one ticket of the game we call life. it’s admit one ticket. You don’t necessarily know if you’re gonna get a second ticket ever, right? No, I don’t know what happens when that ticket’s cashed. You got one shot. And I mean, for the guys listening to this, I want you to think about this for a second. Imagine everything stays the same where you are right now nothing major drastically changes. Will some guy come onto a show and talk about you after you pass? I mean, look at your friend. We’re literally doing an episode we have over a million downloads of this show. we’re doing an episode and we’re showcasing him because that’s the legacy he left, deliberately or otherwise. And I think what guys most guys, Steve, and I don’t know if you find this to be true they think legacy is finance or statue, right? They don’t think the fact that they’re leaving a legacy one way or the other. You mentioned your grandfather, I’m sure an amazing man, I’m sure a kind-hearted man, but part of his legacy he left you is you can’t have it all. That’s right, right? So we might say it’s a negative legacy. It’s not a positive one, and probably not one he thought of consciously, no, but he still left a legacy. And for those guys listening, and then for you and I too, what legacy do we get to leave? Are you fighting for your marriage? Are you doing everything you can for your family, to save your family? Are you doing everything you can to show your kids that being stuck isn’t okay or it’s okay to be stuck, as long as you’re doing something. Like I always picture when I talk to the guys that are going through the Acceleration Blueprint that we have, yeah and that’s a program we have, we don’t talk about much, but it’s for men who are just… have done the work in business and everything, are kind of stuck and just don’t know what the next steps are. They know something’s missing in life. For that program, when I think of it and I’ve been in this position it feels like you’re in a car or a truck, and you’re slamming on the gas, working harder, doing more, but the tires are just spinning in the mud, right? And that’s the legacy you’re gonna leave your kids and everybody around you. Whereas Neil working hard, showing up to the gym two weeks after the passing of his wife, and still, you know, sharing his nuggets of wisdom with you.
Steve 21:28
absolutely, Like I said, he would show up. He had his seat. And I’d ask, What’d you do today? “Well, I went and worked on my legs. You know, I gotta keep the legs strong, right? Why do you gotta keep the legs strong? Well, if I lose those, then I lose something else, right? I gotta, I gotta keep going.” What are you gonna do today? “I’ll go ride. We brought in about 100 miles.” Seriously riding 100 miles at 95. At 95! I mean, it can be done, yes, right? It absolutely can be done.
Doug Holt 22:00
So the advisor I had, Bill, who gave me the advice that he gave me I didn’t take but he was in my gym. He was one of the hardest working people in my gym, Like, I had to slow him down. So I’m a strength and conditioning coach at that time, And so I’m training big athletes, and then I got friggin’ Bill over here, who was probably 77, outworking these guys and talking trash. I loved it.
Steve 22:25
And it is, it’s just doing those basic principles consistently that you know you need to do, right. But the other thing we talked about was things being hard, right? And actually, if you start doing the right things, you start doing the right things consistently, it isn’t as hard. right. It smooths out. It’s easier, yes. And some people don’t they don’t get the opportunity to experience that.
Doug Holt 22:54
Well, I mean analogy my son’s eight, and he just learned to tie his shoes. It was impossible when he started to him, right? We laugh at it, right? We don’t even think about tying our shoes. We could have a conversation with somebody, tie our shoes, not even think twice. That’s right. But if you think of little kids, when they first look at the intricacies of the bows and the knots or whatever else it is, it looks impossible. But what do they do? They keep trying again, again, and again until they get it done. Now, my son showed me. He got a new pair of shoes. He’s in New Hampshire with my wife and my daughter, and he goes, “Dad, I got shoes. They’re lace shoes too, you know.” And he’s so proud of himself. I love that. And I want, well, I want that for me, quite honestly, like in the next phase of my life the things that I’m trying to grow and learn on. And for you and for the men listening to this, I want the guys to be proud of overcoming the next hard.
Steve 23:47
Absolutely. And making it easier, right? And learning the skills and learning the tools that make it easier. The Activation Method, I think, is a great example of that, right? If we get guys go through our eight-week Activation Method program, are they done? No, they’re not done, right? But if they keep practicing the skills, if they keep doing what they’re taught, it becomes easier. right. And the acceleration of whatever it is they’re trying to succeed in and do better becomes quicker. Yes, right. Becomes easier, becomes quicker. Who doesn’t want easier and quicker? I can’t think of anything that doesn’t want easier and quicker, right?
Doug Holt 24:27
Maybe not in the bedroom, but In fact, Coach Mark Haynesworth spoke about this. We had our all-hands team meeting today over Zoom, and he mentioned a gentleman who happens to be here, and he’d been peeling back the layers, doing the work, getting great results, And here he is two years later, still doing the work, and just had a life-changing epiphany come in. If he had only done the eight weeks, it never would have happened. If he’d only done the eight weeks, yes, he would have a better marriage, yes. If he would have only done the one year or one and a half years, marriage still great. Life really good, It’s this two-year mark that it switched for him, and now things are just flying, right?
Steve 25:12
Absolutely, And we as coaches, that’s what we get to do too, yes. We get to go through it constantly and sharpen our saw. And, you know, my relationship I just went, I think I told you, on a five-day trip with my wife, Robin. We didn’t go to some amazing Bali or whatever, right? We just went to a little corner of our backyard in the Eastern Sierras, and just had the most magical five days. And I would rank that up with any trip we’ve ever done in our lives together. And I really tie that to just the work that we do.
Doug Holt 25:49
man, when you’re connected with your partner, the person that you share life with, the person you love, and you can have those kinds of experiences, it doesn’t matter where you go, it’s just with them. And by the way, it’s a beautiful part of the world.
Steve 26:01
It is, true, beautiful part of the world. We have an amazing landscape to work off of, but the connection we shared, and, you know, the tools, the leaving everything else behind, like a lot of times we talk to guys about being the CFO, the Chief Fun Officer. right. Or, you know, making the plans, right? So that’s what I did. I’m like, Robin, she loves our dog, Dodger. Dodger is adorable, right? I’m like, I think Dodger I’ve called the house sitter. She’s gonna watch Dodger for five days. He’s gonna be taken care of, right? I’ve arranged a permit to go into the back country, right? So I laid some foundation so she could relax and not worry about the things that she loves, which is her little dog, right. But then we could totally be connected.
Doug Holt 26:55
I want to break that. First of all, great job. you’re eating your own cooking, right? This is what we teach the guys. And so for the guys that are newer to this, that didn’t catch on, what Steve did there is he took the leadership role, became the Chief Fun Officer, the CFO as we call it, and then allowed his wife basically took his wife’s concerns and ones he knew she would have and was proactively eliminating those concerns so that she could slip into her femininity, that’s right, and be present with you. I’ll tell you what, man, any woman listening to this is going, that’s what I want my man to do.
Steve 27:32
100%. And speaking about legacy, I’ve got three kids now in relationships, all starting to have children, Okay, you don’t think they didn’t notice that?
Doug Holt 27:43
100% they did, right? And that’s the legacy that you’re gonna leave them, right? You’re gonna leave them the legacy of, hey, even when times get rough in a marriage and I’ve never met a marriage that hasn’t had rough times, right that you pull through, you work on it, you do what you can, and then you can have this kind of connection that you and Robin have. I’ve had dinner with you and Robin, and it’s real connection. There’s no BS around it, it’s legit. And you’ve put the work into it.
Steve 28:09
I do, we do. We both do, And it’s gotten better because we get to practice a lot, right? And when we make the mistakes, we don’t, you know, overly own it and worry about it and make excuses. We just own it and we move on. We’re going to make mistakes. There’s going to be challenges. You’re going to wake up on the wrong side of the bed some days. That’s just the way it is. 100% agree, you know. So, I get really excited about this, about that, the legacy and just what I’ve seen in people that I admire, and what they’ve achieved, and then what I see in myself that I still could achieve, yes, and leave legacy. I mean, these bracelets I’ve got are reminders to me as well of guys, resets I’ve done where I’ve walked guys through, so I try to bring all that with me, to help me, to help them, to move forward, to achieve a better legacy.
Doug Holt 29:11
I love that. I think something you’re doing, Steve you’re doing so many great things but you’re not only helping the men, but you are showcasing not only to your kids, but to your grandkids. Your grandkids are gonna grow up in a more harmonious home, even than you had or even that they had. And they’re gonna have parents who have been not only taught the way, but shown the way. Actions are so much better. How many times, guys, have you said, I will never be like my dad, and then you look in the mirror going, oh crap, I’m making the same bad jokes, the same mannerisms, the little ticks that he makes. I mean, I see it in my brother all the time, who’s the CFO for TPM, And it’s so funny, because I’m sure he was like, I’ll never do that. And then just the mannerisms, I’m like, holy cow. But they’re also watching and taking in not only our mannerisms, but your kids are taking in and talking to the guys listening your kids are taking in the energy of your home, yes, the way you treat your wife, the way your wife treats you, the energy between you guys. And something I get really emotional about at our events when I’m coaching men, and I get angry and luckily the guys know that I’m doing this out of care because I say, hey, look, if you won’t advocate for your kids, I will. And you know, your kids didn’t ask to be here, guys. They deserve for you to take action and fix your basically, yeah or at least do your best. You can’t control the other person. You just can’t, but you can control what you do and the decisions you make.
Steve 30:43
Absolutely, and you’re right. They’re 100% watching. And if you don’t lead, you know, if you don’t lead in the relationship, in the family, then what chance are your kids gonna do the same? They’re not gonna lead either, right? They’re just going to follow and take the path of least resistance and do the things that they sort of were taught to do, not led to do, right. I see that so often. It’s crazy when you see that, and when someone’s like, my daughter just said this thing to me. How’s your wife talk to you? Oh, interesting, right? Where do you think she’s getting that? Yes, right, What’s your responsibility in that? right. What’s your responsibility to lead to politely and in a loving way “That’s not the way we talk here.”
Doug Holt 31:40
Yep, and clean up when you yell at your kids, if you snap at your kids, clean it up. Do useThe Hidden Motives Technique, right? Use the things that we teach the men to use with their wives. It’s applicable.
Steve 31:51
Oh, 100%. 100%.
Doug Holt 31:53
I think this idea of I love the fact, the idea of legacy. I’m sorry for your loss. With your friend, Neil, sounds like an amazing man. Oh, gosh, absolutely. What a legacy he’s left. I mean, again, guys, we’re here on a podcast talking about another human, another man, just because of the impact he left on the world by living his legacy. That’s right. And you guys are going to leave a legacy. Let’s give the guys Coach Steve let’s give the guys one or two things that they can do coming out of this to take some action.
Steve 32:25
I mean, first off, take stock of what that legacy is that you want, right? Actually take the time to sit down and just imagine that you didn’t make it. You watch this podcast, You didn’t make it after the podcast, something we said, something Doug said, invariably, right, put you over the edge, right? What would people say about you today? What would they write about you? What are the things that they would be thinking about you or not thinking about you? Would be one of the first things I would do.
Doug Holt 33:02
What comes to mind for me right now, it’s coming to my heart, really, is there’s a song and I’m gonna mess up the lyrics but the chorus of the song is basically, are you really, are you really living, or are you just waiting to die? And that resonates with me, because I think there’s been times in my life that I think, huh, I’m just going through a routine. Oh shit, am I just waiting to die? Like, it’s not really what I’m waiting for, but I’m not really living and flexing that life muscle, you know? And sometimes I’ll do it consciously, like, hey, I’m just burnt out. I’m watching Netflix and have a UFC marathon. That’s my thing, But then there’s other times when I feel like, oh, wait, am I just going through the motions? So I’ll ask the guys, ask yourself, guys, look, if you’re being honest with yourself, if living to your maximum potential is a 10 and zero is the worst, classic zero to 10 scale, where are you? Let’s say we at TPM, as coaches, we say you can’t use seven, that’s right, right? So if it’s got to be an eight or a six, where are you? If you are below an eight and just be honest with yourself, you don’t have to tell me or anybody else then something’s got to change. And it doesn’t have to be an eight every day. But I’d still see eight as like the average of what you’re doing, putting yourself out there. And you shared your biking experience. I love that. Robin says, how are you feeling? Like, I’m scared
Steve 34:24
Exactly, you know, that’s where you want to be. Absolutely. So you mentioned a song, so made it come into my head. So we’ll go back a little bit, So the other one is Michael Franti. You hear Michael Franti? Oh, Be who you are, Nothing more and nothing less, Just be who you are, I can’t sing, but that’s the other thing, is like, just be who you are, yes, not what you think other people want you to be, and just lean into that edge of who you are, yes, because that will take you to the promised land if you really lean into who you are.
Doug Holt 35:04
Well, that’s what these nine men are going to find out here at The Alpha Reset, because I’ll tell you what, in my experience, most men have no idea who they are. They really don’t, and it’s not their fault. They’ve just taken on so much of societal bullshit and piled it on. You know, what do the people at my church think? What do these people think about me? What do people at work think about me? And so these guys are gonna have the opportunity of just ripping all that stuff off, right, and getting real.
Steve 35:30
People are attracted to people who are authentic, yes, and who are being who they are. My buddy Neil was being who he was, and that just meant the world to me. So that’s a legacy.
Doug Holt 35:43
Well, thanks for all you do. I mean, you literally have helped hundreds and hundreds of men and their families. The ripple effect is real. That’s a life, that’s a legacy worth having.
Steve 35:53
Thank you. Appreciate it. All right.
Doug Holt 35:57
Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And what’s the legacy you’re gonna live? And so Coach Steve gave you an exercise. Take that exercise and actually do it. Write it down and look at it, and then write a number on a scale of, I don’t know, one to 10. Like we said, can’t pick seven. Where are you leaning into your edge, right? Where are you leaning into your edge? Do you feel like you can be authentically you with everybody you encounter? Regardless, maybe there’s a business thing or something you’re saying, I gotta be a little different, okay. But for most people, let’s say 90% of the time, are you being you? And maybe you don’t even know who you is, the real you, the guy staring back at you in the mirror. Go in the mirror right now, right after this, and look yourself in the eyes. Do you know that man deeply well? If you don’t, I’m going to invite you to find a way to get to The Alpha Reset. They’re hard to get into. You know, we keep them extremely intimate not the best business model, but we can guarantee a result that way. And just look at the testimonials that guys have been through this. Whatever you do, don’t just go from one show to another using what I call educational masturbation. Just actually do the work. You deserve more than average. We’ll see you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
