Episode #1012
In this episode, Doug and Coach Neil break down what it really means to “eat your own cooking”—doing the work you expect others to do. It’s not about having all the answers or reading the next book. It’s about actually getting in the arena and being willing to trip, fall, and course correct.
If you’re tired of analyzing your life but still feeling stuck, this conversation is for you. Doug and Neil get honest about the fears that hold men back—especially husbands, fathers, and business leaders—and they lay out a no-fluff path to real progress. Whether it’s your marriage, your health, or your mindset, they challenge you to stop waiting and start moving. Vision, accountability, action. That’s the path.
You don’t need more motivation. You need to take the first step.
Ready to get out of your head and back into action?
Get your free training here: https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales
It’ll show you exactly what’s not working in your relationship and what to do about it—step by step. No fluff. No theory. Just tools that work.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
Transcription
Neil 0:26
I want you to trip. I see it all the time in our groups. Yeah, it’s like, guys, if you’re not tripping and falling, how do I know that you’re taking action? I want you to see where you tripped. Yeah. And how do you feel now? You’ll never forget this moment because you tripped over. Yeah. What worked, what didn’t work. Oh man, that’s amazing. Yes. So now we’re course-correcting, and we’re shortening the distance to your goal by tripping and falling.
Doug Holt 1:01
Hey guys, welcome back to another episode of the TPM show. Once again, I am joined by Coach Neil. Coach Neil, thanks for being here with us.
Neil 1:07
Pleasure, Doug. Absolutely. I’m so happy to be here again.
Doug Holt 1:11
Yeah, likewise. And as it always happens when we’re off camera, we have great conversations. Colton, who does our production over here as well. You said something I thought was really poignant. I thought it’d be a great conversation. Would you mind repeating what you were saying?
Neil 1:24
Absolutely. We were just discussing the expression “eating your own cooking.” As a coach, if I am not doing the work, how do I expect my clients to do the work?
I’m always finding ways to ask, Okay, where am I up-leveling? Every year I do that. I think about, how do I invest in myself? And the funny thing is, the Powerful Man is the thing I’ve been investing in myself.
Tim once said, “I’m good is the evil of great.” I love that expression. Saying “I’m good” is a dead man’s goal. It’s when you reach this, “Oh, I’m good. I don’t need more.” And humans aren’t like that.
Whether you’re a billionaire who’s been successful or somebody just starting out in life, you’re always looking for a vision, a way to live. When you reach a goal, what’s next? Where am I going now?
And a billionaire would be the same: “Okay, I’ve got here. What’s next?” Wherever I go, I’m here. I’ve got to do something else. It’s natural for us to ask, “What’s the next thing?” There’s always another trophy.
It’s not so much about the trophy, because that’s just a prize, perhaps, but it’s another marker: I reached that. Like getting a degree, getting married, falling in love, getting a job, or a pay raise. They’re all markers to say, “I’m doing great.”
But how, like we spoke about once before, what’s the legacy I’m leaving? Who do I get to be, so I can be the example and the permission for others? I’ve got to continue to eat my own cooking.
Doug Holt 3:14
You have to. Yeah, I have a document I wrote a long time ago: “Who do I get to be in order to lead over 100 men?” It was a long list, man, a lot of work to do.
I found that document months ago, and it was still telling. Who do I get to become in order to do that?
We had talked off camera about the idea that we’ll have marriage and family counselors go through our program. And as a businessman, TPM’s business model is horrible.
Here we are with 10 men coming today for an event. If you look at it from a scaling perspective, we should have an arena. We could do this in an arena but we can’t guarantee the results, right? And our goal is to get these guys out the door.
These are businessmen, so they’ll say, “That’s not a very good model in terms of retention.” But that’s not the point. There are billions of men who can come through, get unleashed, and let go. We get to do that not having a reoccurring model of keeping men “on the couch.”
We were talking about therapy and how some therapists just want to keep you on the couch over and over again.
Neil 4:30
Exactly. And they have their place, but it’s a starting point to understand. It’s all psychological assessment and understanding.
If you don’t go to a psychologist, you read many books. You intellectually understand it. But as I say, you can have an analyzed life: “I’ve got all that, I’ve got all the answers.” Yet you’re still sitting on the couch.
As opposed to the embodied life: the person that actually moves and acts exactly how the book was written, taking action every day to move forward in that direction.
That’s why I say, okay, I’ve reached a certain goal as a coach, but I’m humble enough to know there are other coaches out there who’ve got something I haven’t. That’s why it’s important we work together as humans there’s no “I” in team.
We see something in each other that we don’t have. “Oh, I love the way you did that. I want to learn it too.” So I develop that skill.
I remember many years ago, in my other life as an actor, I used to watch Robert De Niro and other favorite actors. I would mimic them to see how I showed up. That’s method it’s a method to the madness.
But when I was on screen, it was me. I wasn’t Robert De Niro. I was using their skills, adding to my repertoire. Information’s out there. You should go out and do it.
I want to be the greatest version of me. I’ll keep going until I’m pushing up daisies. As long as I’m continuing to push the envelope asking, Who can I be today?
You talked about it a few weeks ago: legacy. Who is the greatest version of me? Today’s the only great version of me, but I’ve still got a long way to go.
I remember an old man saying on his deathbed, “Today is my greatest day. I’m the greatest version of me right now.”
Doug Holt 6:47
How beautiful would that be, right? I’ve always had that mantra I don’t know where I got it “1% better every day.” If you can just stack that 1% over time, the exponential growth is there.
I used to be that guy going from one podcast to another, information overload, digesting large chunks of audiobooks and podcasts.
Whereas getting a coach, going to an event, doing something exponentially different that’s the difference.
In my former life, I was in the fitness industry. It’s one thing to coach someone to do a 500-pound back squat. It’s another thing to know what it feels like to be under that bar.
They’re very different. You know how the body feels, the weight, the trepidation, what happens if I fall all the things that go through someone’s head.
Having that experience jumping out of a plane, which I’ve done it’s very different doing it as a person naturally afraid of heights than just conceptually saying, “Oh yeah, you just go up in the plane and jump out. No big deal.” That wasn’t my experience when I did it.
Neil 7:58
No, I’ve only done bungee jumping. I haven’t done that, and it’s on my bucket list. But what you’re speaking into is interesting. The embodied life versus the analyzed life if we’re forever analyzing, our bodies are designed to move.
And how interesting it is when you move your body, no matter what it is walking, or, as you said, squatting what do you feel? You’re only feeling that.
I think the important thing as well is the pain. There’s pain when you work out. It’s uncomfortable. That’s why it’s called a workout.
I am now leaning into the discomfort of, “I’ve got to put my shoes on and go to the gym.” The hardest part is actually putting the shoes on 100%. Getting to the gym is easy. Once you’re there, it’s easy. Get there and do it.
So moving into “eating your own cooking,” what’s the motivation? What’s the vision? For me, it’s vision. That’s what moves me.
I can talk about my life all day long, about what’s missing, but if I think, “What’s my vision that gets me in my heart?” that’s what motivates me. So what is that?
Ask yourself: What’s true vision for you? What’s your goal?
Doug Holt 9:25
Yeah, I love that. I love vision work. That’s one of my favorite things to do with people, because I feel like I’m playing in their sandbox, teasing it out a little bit.
The impetus of this conversation I wanted to bring up was, we were talking about someone we know who was a marriage and family therapist. When they were going through their divorce or hard times, they didn’t want to do counseling, right?
And that’s how we came up with the idea: you’ve got to eat your own cooking, versus hiding out. That would be akin to you and me not being able to useThe Hidden Motives Technique, or the Clean Slate Method, or whatever else it may be.
It’s very telling when you see somebody teaching people something and telling them they should do it, but then they don’t do it themselves.
Neil 10:18
And what does that create energetically? Even just looking at you, there’s no respect. “Why do I need to do this if you’re not doing it?” You’re out of integrity.
Every day you can feel it. I wake up going, “Okay, I said I was going to do the ARS did I do it? When I’m using The Hidden Motives Technique, am I speaking from that space, saying this person in front of me is here for my growth, and I want to grow and connect with this human being who also wants to be the best version of herself?”
Because I’m choosing this relationship. We only have our word. I see it in my son you only have your word. And if you break that, who’s really suffering? You are. It’s death by a thousand cuts.
Doug Holt 11:11
We all know that feeling. We all do it. I can speak for myself I fall out of integrity with myself often. I have to clean it up and have a conversation with myself to get back to it.
Sometimes it’s daily, if it’s a new habit. If I find myself being out of integrity, what works for me is to ask: Do I really want that? Because clearly I’m not taking the action steps to get there, or I don’t feel the juice is worth the squeeze.
Or it could be fear. For a lot of men listening right now most are married businessmen having problems in their relationships, or feeling lost and stuck in life. We get to sit down and ask: Are we taking massive action toward that? Are we setting ourselves up for success?
Maybe that’s what we can talk about next. What are things guys could do? What’s the first step? You said vision figuring out what it is you want. Once you figure out, “Hey, I want a better marriage, better health, or something else in my life,” what’s the next step?
Neil 12:26
Accountability. Nothing’s ever done alone. I’m biased because I’m a coach, but there’s not one person on this planet who has ever done something alone. Unless you live in the backwoods, but even then you’re carrying an ax. Who made that ax?
So, accountability. And the statistics: 87% of people with accountability reach their goals. Hello! That’s a massive number.
What’s a coach really about? Observing you in action. As long as you take action, we can find out three things: what worked, what didn’t work, and what was in the gap.
That’s key. As long as you’re clear on the vision in the five pillars self, health, wealth, business, and relationships are you clear? Does it really drive you? Does it hit you in your heart?
If it does, then we set it out. And instead of saying, “I want this” (which is outside of me), I stop, visualize, and desire it in my body. I feel it. I close my eyes and get there. Now I have it. That’s the driving force.
If it’s just a piece of paper with words on it, you won’t move. Like you said do I really want it? Or is it fear-based?
Most men listening, it’s fear or a story: “I’m not smart enough, I’m not worthy enough, I’m not good enough to have that.”
I saw a video the other day of a guy who wanted to be a professional golfer at 40. All he heard was people saying, “There’s no way.” I thought, Oh, don’t tempt me. That just made me want to do it more.
Doug Holt 14:38
Yeah, absolutely. I was just looking at the TPM app. There’s a gentleman in The Brotherhood our one-year mastermind program he’s in his 50s and just got back into the gym. He PR’d a bench press at 235.
It’s never too late to start. The real fear is not starting.
One thing I hear from men who join our program compared to others is their fear they won’t finish. So they don’t want to start, because they’re worried they won’t finish.
Another fear that comes up when our advisors talk to men is identity fear: “This has worked for thousands of men, but if it doesn’t work for me, what does that mean about me?”
They’re too scared to take the chance because if it doesn’t work, what does it say about who they are as a father, a man, a husband?
And yet, The Activation Method has worked for so many others.
Neil 15:56
So there’s that limitation, isn’t it? That’s the thought that I’m having what if this doesn’t work for me? I’m like, okay, where else in your life are you saying that? Yes. And you know where you’re pretending not to know something.
And if you do nothing, if you don’t do this program, what’s going to happen? Nothing changes unless you read another book. But still, you’re going to have that in your head and you intellectualize it. It’s like a lot, you know. And so doing nothing nothing changes.
Taking a leap of faith is like, and that’s where I invite men out there where in your life did you achieve something, and how did it feel? What were the components and the steps you took to achieve that goal? Whether it was making a billion dollars or starting your own business, whatever it was, what did it take from you? What ways of being did it take?
And then, once you share that with me, I’m like, that’s the same thing. Yeah.
Doug Holt 17:02
It’s risk, right? You got to put yourself out there. You’ll never know whether it’s learning Spanish, whether it’s saving your marriage, whether it’s getting back in shape, whatever it could be, starting another business you’ll never know unless you try. You take the risk and you go for it.
That’s where I think the marrow of life really is going after growth. We always say growth doesn’t happen inside of our comfort zone. It happens outside our comfort zone.
So if you’re comfortable right now, you’re not growing. You need to put yourself out just a little bit more. Does it have to be dramatic? Although it could be, it doesn’t have to be. But try something new.
Go out, find like-minded people. If you don’t have a solid group of men around you, find a group. It doesn’t have to be TPM. I always give that disclaimer I think it’s the best, but if I didn’t, I’d be in a different group. But find a group of men that are trying to achieve similar results whether it’s being a better husband, getting in shape, or building a business.
Just find a group of men in that area, because you are the sum of the five people you spend the most time with. Touche, absolutely. They’ve done a study. I know you’re aware of this, but essentially it was: if you’re surrounding yourself with a group of runners, what tends to happen? You become a runner. If you surround yourself with people that drink cocktails and eat pizza all day, you become the guy drinking cocktails and eating pizza all day.
So you want to find people that are inspirational and aspirational. That has been a big thing for me in my growth. I’ve been coaching for over 20 years now, so that’s the big thing. I’m always looking for that group of people in the next room, or people that are going to grow with me. They don’t have to be ahead in every level, but we’re on the same journey of surrounding ourselves with people.
Neil 19:02
More values. That’s so true. I remember Tim asking, why would you want to be working with us?
I said, I believe this is and I read this great quote “I can go far alone but further together.” Yes. And team, to me, when I grew up, I loved being around other people. We’re pack animals at the end of the day.
Why do we go to concerts or football games as we call them in England, not soccer games, just want to correct that? It’s how, like you said: if your vibe doesn’t fit your tribe, change your tribe.
To grow and learn. I realized I’m sitting there and Tim asked me that question. I said, I want this. And here I am. I sourced it. I didn’t this was the ultimate goal. I don’t want to be sitting alone. I want to be around like-minded individuals. And here I am. It’s just a dream, supporting men and having that.
Doug Holt 20:09
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only do you need to know what’s broken, but also a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re going to be toiling with things.
That’s why I created a free training. A training that not only shows you how you got to where you are where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have but also how to get it back. How do you retain that, where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said “I do”?
I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, I feel like I can conquer the world. And I want that for you.
Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That’s thepowerfulman.com/scales. I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you.
Now, back to the podcast.
Neil 21:10
When I’m away from my son and he goes, “Where you going?” I said, “I’m going away to better myself as the best version of me so I can support you.” And it’s like, “Oh, okay, Dad.” Beautiful. And it’s like that.
So that’s the thing. Guys, if you have a dream and you are scared, call a coach, call a friend and say, “Hey, I’ve had this dream, I want to share it.” And be inspired by other people. Like you said, through osmosis you’ll become that person.
And once you’ve got to a certain level, I would invite you to get a coach, because that will hold you to that goal. If you have a dream in 10 years, you can get it in one year if you choose to by having coach accountability having somebody there to see your blind spots and talk you through your fears. It’s amazing when you have somebody there on your side, just verbalizing what’s coming up for you and holding space for that. Yeah.
Doug Holt 22:09
It’s the fastest path. I mean, if you want to compress time, it’s the best thing. If you want to get in shape, get a personal trainer, or join CrossFit or something like that where you’re surrounded by people doing the same thing, and you’re getting the coaching so you don’t get injured and backtrack. With progressive overload and all those fun things, you’re going to get there much quicker than going to the gym, getting an app, hoping it works, reading a book on working out, or Men’s Fitness magazine or whatever. You might get there, and that could be great, but you’re looking at a different trajectory of time and that’s the only resource we don’t have, right?
Neil 22:42
And life is now. Yeah, what are you waiting for? Yes, like we only have right now. And that’s a big theme, obviously, we’re going to be going through.
I lost a friend who a year ago, we would call each other once a week. We lived together for six years. He was a dear friend, and everything was great. And then she decided she wanted to be near her son, who lived in Colorado. And I was like, “Yeah, go for it.” She moved back there. And less than a year, she found out life is gone. She died. Wow. They gave her six weeks. She lasted nine months. And it’s like and I still think she’s not here anymore. Just weird to me. But that is why you only got right now. Yeah, let’s go.
Doug Holt 23:27
Yeah. Well, all of us think it’s gonna be better tomorrow, right? A lot of us do. I should say not all of us, but a lot of men have hopium, right? That’s what I call it. They’re surviving off hopium constantly, hoping it’s gonna get better on its own.
And when I think about this idea of eating your own cooking, I was talking in the previous podcast, I shared with you that over the weekend I was at this resort. There’s a pool, it was beautiful, and the families are there.
My wife, three days a week, converted my garage into a home gym, because my wife wants community. And this group of women show up there three days a week, and they have for over a year now and they looked hot.
The women I told one of them, “You guys look amazing. You have transformed your bodies.” And she looked at me, she goes, “Doug, one, this is life. Life is so different now.”
One year, I said, “Hey, I’m gonna go up there and get food and drinks. Do you guys want anything?” And the women go, “No. We’ve worked so hard to get here that we don’t want to go back. This has changed our lives.”
And what they were speaking into was this idea that they had a goal, and now that they’re living in that dream of their goal, it’s so much richer that they’re not willing to risk going back to what was.
I think that’s so interesting, because so many people listening to this have a dream. They have something they want to achieve. It could be more sex, more intimacy in their relationship. It could be just getting their wife to talk to them again, or starting a business, or getting healthy. It could be a combination of all of those.
But you get to take that Massive Action that next step in order to do so. What is that thing you get to do?
I would even encourage people not to do the easy thing. What’s the hard thing? And I had a client of mine tell me, “Doug, this makes my butt pucker.” That’s exactly what he said. “My cheeks are getting tight just thinking about this.”
I go, “Perfect. That’s the thing you get to do. That’s the conversation you get to have, or that’s the action step you get to take. What is it that makes you nervous not a little bit afraid, but not that you’re going to die or get hurt? No that’s probably your body, your brain, your soul signaling you that’s the next step.”
Neil 25:39
Yeah. Yep, I agree. Leaning into that tension. In fact, I actually spoke to my son on Friday, two days ago now, and I just said, “Have a blast. If you find yourself getting uncomfortable, I want you to lean into that. It’s okay. It’s for your growth.” And he went, “Okay, Dad, yeah.” I said, “And just don’t be afraid to ask for support.”
Doug Holt 26:04
Yeah, that’s the funny thing, man. In doing this work for so long, previous to TPM I also coached women, and when somebody falls and they’re going after a goal, they trip, they stumble 100% of the time people are closer to them. 100% of the time people respect them more.
You have well, I shouldn’t say 100% because you have those occasional assholes out there that will make fun of them, but that’s only because that person going for their goals scares them, because they’re not doing it.
To me, that’s such a great litmus test. When I see somebody pulling someone down, belittling them for going for a dream or a goal, I’m like, “Thank you. Now I know you’re not somebody I need to spend time with.”
Neil 26:52
I appreciate that. Massive that is a mirror, right? Oh yeah, something I want to look at. Yeah.
Doug Holt 26:57
You should surround yourself with people who applaud you when you achieve your goals, not make them feel smaller. That should cause them to rise up: “Ooh, Neil got his goal. Great job, Neil. And I’m coming, buddy.”
Neil 27:10
That’s the healthy part you want in your life. We’re taught to watch the news where is the news degradation? Yeah, that’s all it is. And it’s what I call eyeballs on screens. All it wants you to do is keep you there, keep you on the treadmill of misery.
We come from a society of work, our school and I don’t know again, school systems but it was designed and it was wonderful in the beginning, factory-working design, yes. But now it’s changed, and we’re evolving.
And so finding that group of humans that inspire you, even if you feel a fish out of water in the beginning if that’s what you truly dream of, those people are good to you. They want you to be around too, because you had the courage to step into that ring. Yes.
And know that you’re going to trip and fall. I want you to trip and fall. I see it all the time in our groups. It’s like, guys, if you’re not tripping and falling, how do I know that you’re taking action? How do I know that you you know? I want you to see where you tripped. And how do you feel now? You’ll never forget this moment because you tripped over. What worked? What didn’t work? Oh man, that’s amazing. Yes.
So now we’re course-correcting, and we’re shortening the distance to your goal by tripping and falling.
Doug Holt 28:28
Reminds me. So I’m a simple man. We use project management software within the movement. As you know, Teamwork is what we use. I have a repeated task that comes back to me a few times a week and says, “Did you fail today?” That’s it.
And so I check it off regardless, but it just reminds me that the goal isn’t to be perfect. If I can get to failure, then I’ll get better. Because what I know about myself is I’ll work. I don’t have a problem working hard. Most men listening to this, they know they’re hardworking men. And if I fail, then I know my edge. Great. Now I can raise the ceiling more and more and more, and continue to get better and come closer to becoming the man that I know is within.
Neil 29:12
Yeah, interesting. You just triggered something in me. It’s like we work so hard at work to be the greatest version of ourselves at work. And I said, we went to college to learn something to be a lawyer, to be a doctor, or whatever it was. A carpenter, or plumber you learn how to be the greatest version of you there.
In relationships, it’s the same, but we’re never taught. We’re only taught from what our parents taught or our guardians showed us. Some of it worked. Some of it didn’t.
So that’s why I invite you to have relationship training. It’s a skill. Yes, it is. And I am a coach that does that, and I’m telling you guys, you get to have a coach in learning how to communicate. This is what this work is about. And The Powerful Man and The Activation Method teach you an incredible skill to be an incredible communicator with your wife and your children and your family and anybody else that you meet.
So that’s the thing if we put, “We don’t need that, we think we just read a book. All right, why do we need that?” We do. It’s not something that we’re taught. Yeah. So go out and get a teacher, get coaching. Come and see us. We’ll talk to you and support you. 100%.
Doug Holt 30:31
It’s amazing that the things that, when you talk to people on their deathbed, or you talk to people, like, I use the analogy of when you’re in your 80s, sitting on your rocking chair on your porch, what are the things that you’re most proud of, the things that you think about the most?
And you know, when I ask this question of men and people that are older mentors of mine, it’s always their relationships, their family, right? That’s why a lot of the guys have the businesses they have why they’re working so hard to support their family, their children, their wives, those people around them. Yet, to your point, we’re never taught how to relate or be in relationship with them. It’s just assumed.
Another one that’s just assumed is sex sex in the bedroom. Most people don’t take time to go, “Wait a minute, how does female arousal work?” And I can tell you, as a guy that’s coached women, and as a man married to a woman who coaches women, it’s a complaint, guys. It’s a complaint.
But these are the things that we protect, what we live for, right? We want to protect. A line I use a lot, too, is Neil, I go to the guys and say, “Hey, look, if an intruder came into your home, would you stand in front of them to protect your family?” I’ve never once had a guy say no. Everybody’s like, “Oh yeah, no problem.” So you would die for your family. Yep, you got it.
But will you do the work for your family? Will you do the work for your family? And I look at them, and guys do not like this, Neil. I go, “You’re a liar. You’re a liar. So stop lying to yourself, because you’re scared to have that conversation. You’re scared to get the coach, of really doing the work.”
And recently, I’ve seen this pop up in social media where people are saying, “Would you work out for your family? Would you journal for your family? Will you do The Activation Method for your family? Will you do the things necessary to truly protect your family?”
Because otherwise, if you don’t, you are the intruder in the house. You are the intruder. That is why your wife is scared or crying in the shower. That’s why your kids are running, doing the things they’re doing, or avoiding dad. You have become the intruder in your own home.
And gentlemen, you can change it. That is the beautiful thing you can change that trajectory. But it takes balls, man. Doing the work isn’t always easy. You and I, for whatever reason, we’re drawn to it. We’re the crazy ones. But it’s not meant to be easy. That’s where growth happens.
Neil 33:11
Nothing of any greatness is easy because everybody would do it.
Doug Holt 33:15
Yes, exactly. And if you know that this is the thing I see with so many of our men. We have so many business leaders that come through our programs. And what I tell them, I go, “Look, is your business easy? What are the parts about your business you don’t like?” And they’ll talk about it. I go, “That’s why you’re successful because you’ll do those things and others won’t do those things.”
Imagine if you’re one of the 1% of men who does what’s necessary to learn about how to relate to women and your wife as a masculine man, right? You become the 1%.
Neil 33:47
Yeah, and I think that’s what’s important. Guys, you’re not doing it alone. Talk to your wife about it. Ask, “Am I showing up as the husband you want me to show up as?” Just make it an easy conversation. It doesn’t have to be difficult.
If you’re willing to get feedback, say, “How am I not showing up for you? I don’t want to show up this way anymore. I want to show up differently, and I gotta get some support. And I want you to be my accountability wife to show me what’s working and put the thumbs up.”
Instead of doing this behind-the-scenes, stealth, calm work, it’s like, okay? And I love the fact that sometimes you want to do things without anybody really knowing. As I always say, “Dance while no one’s watching.” Be the difference. Be the difference-maker in your family.
Like you said, if you can do that in your business, why are you not doing it here? So what’s in your way?
Doug Holt 34:41
Yeah, well, you have that work ethic, right? And again, by doing the relationship work, you can be the 1%. Other men are too scared to do the work. And you step in you become that guy that everybody, all the women around the pool, want to talk to and want to relate to. Whether you’re single or otherwise, this relationship may not work out for you. We all know that. Statistically, it’s a 50/50 chance.
But at the same time, you can put in that work. Do what’s scaring you. And if you’re listening to this, you’re probably pissed at me, some of you guys, because I’d be pissed at me right now. And if you say, “If an intruder was in my home, I would defend my family,” then go have that conversation with your wife.
The way I frame it with Erin often, Neil, is I say, “Hey, on a scale of one to 10, how happy are you in our marriage?” Sometimes I use one to five, because people don’t use four, five, and six. At TPM we always say, coaching-wise, you can’t say seven. It has to be an eight or a six. People gravitate towards sevens, right?
So see what your wife says. If it’s below an eight, guys take massive action. There is your red flag. Because she’s probably going to bump it up a few just to make you feel good.
Neil 35:57
We have our own stories, and she might not like it, so she doesn’t want to upset the apple cart.
Doug Holt 36:02
Exactly. I hear it all the time. So imagine she’s going to give you an inflated number. If she gives you a four run. Run to one of our advisors.
Again, honestly, I’m biased, but I do this work at TPM because I think it’s the best and I love it. But do something and have that conversation.
If you’re scared to have that conversation, do not come to me and tell me that you’re willing to defend your family. That is a fantasy that you’re living in. You’re enjoying the fantasy. You can either go back to the fantasy part of your life that you just enjoy and be ignorant, or you can be honest with yourself and go, “Okay, maybe I’m not as courageous as I thought I was. Now I get to do the work.”
Neil 36:41
I always say, if somebody says no to a coaching process, the very reason that you are not wanting to do the process is the very reason you get to do the process. And you’re being selfish when you aren’t taking charge of your life instead of selfless. So the same analogy you said there it’s time. And the 1% will become the 2%. Our goal is to get to every man on the planet. But over time, we’re building these groups, these communities of men that eventually, suddenly, they overlap. Do you want to be part of that leadership, that movement? We are a movement. We are moving. And men talk yes, if they’re in this movement. If you’re not in this movement, you don’t talk. You hold it in. So let’s be selfless.
Doug Holt 37:40
I love it, man. I always enjoy our conversations. I’m so excited to co-lead The Alpha Reset with you. Coming up again, as I say, thanks for all you do for the movement and the men that you bless.
Neil 37:50
Appreciate you. Thank you very much, Doug. Absolutely been an honor to be here today. Thank you.
Doug Holt 37:56
Gentlemen, as I like to say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. The reason I say that, guys, is I wish somebody would have said it to me. I want to go back and talk to Doug 1.0.And guys, I’ll be the first to tell you, I’m not perfect. I’m far from it. But I’m better than I used to be, that’s for sure. If you can imagine what that guy was like. But I did it by taking action and doing work.It’s easy. I call it educational masturbation. You go from one podcast to another, one YouTube show to another. You go from one thing to another, and you’re gonna forget some of this. You’re gonna go, “Wow, I think Neil said, or Doug said, wow, that was really good, and that hit a chord.”
But maybe, just maybe, this is your wake-up call to take that massive action. Maybe this is God, the universe, or whatever coming through and speaking to you and saying, “Hey, it’s time to be the true protector of your family, the true protector of yourself, and stop lying to ourselves.”Saying we’re going to do the work, or saying when a bad guy comes in through the door, we’re going to fight him off when maybe we’re the bad guy after all. Maybe it’s because we just haven’t done the work and been honest with ourselves to get a fair perspective.
We have 10 men here at the TPM ranch. We have a 106-acre ranch that we invested in so we could do the work with men in person. They work online at first, then they come together. And these guys will go through a transformational challenge. That’s all I’ll say.100% of the men say it’s one of the best things they’ve ever done in their life. It is not easy. It is not easy. We’ve been doing this for eight years. Guys still don’t tell other men what goes on here, because they want men to have the same opportunity that was given to them.
That’s what life is about, guys. And if you don’t do it through TPM I say this all the time do it somewhere. This is me calling you forward. Calling you forward to step into your best life.If nottoday, when? This is your shot. I’ll pass you the ball. You got to take it. See you next time on The Powerful Man Show.
