Episode #1015
A lot of guys feel stuck in their relationships but don’t know where to start. They wait, overthink, or say things like, “I need to check with my wife first.” Sound familiar? In this episode, Doug and Erin Holt sit down to talk about what really makes a man attractive to his partner and it’s not about being perfect or waiting for permission.
They get honest about what women actually want from their men, why leading yourself first is key, and how personal growth (done the right way) can totally shift your marriage. Whether your relationship feels like it’s hanging by a thread or you just know there’s more potential waiting, this is a real conversation that gives you clarity and a path forward.
You’ll walk away with a clearer understanding of what leadership looks like in a relationship, how to break out of a rut, and why taking action, even small steps, can make all the difference.
Want to know exactly what’s off in your relationship and how to fix it without guessing? Get access to a free training that breaks it all down. Go to https://fixmarriage.thepowerfulman.com/scales and start turning things around today.
Hungry for more?
Head over to our BONUS page for special access to some of the deeper tactics and techniques we’ve developed at The Powerful Man.
Also listen on:
Transcription
Doug Holt 0:00
He is not only investing in himself because he’s been through TPM, all of these guys that I’m aware of anyway, but he’s also investing in her, which then coincides to their relationship just getting better. They’re both rising.
Erin Holt 0:14
Yep, it’s like whenever you’re more connected to yourself, everything in life just works better. You’re no longer looking outside of yourself for your person to fill you up or to bring you joy or all of the things. It’s like when you’re responsible for your own happiness. I mean, it’s just a totally different type of relationship that can unfold. And it’s magical.
Doug Holt 0:41
Well, I have to check in with my wife, or I don’t know what my wife will say. These are things I hear from men all the time. And dude, I get it, I really do. But I wanted to take a very short clip here today, guys, and get a woman’s perspective. We’ll keep Erin in here. My wife and I want to understand, from a woman’s perspective, what that’s like to always hear that from her man. Babe, thanks so much. We were talking off camera about this a little bit, so I thought we’d just roll it out. I’ll set the scene, because I hear it all the time from men, and it’s very interesting to me. Guys that join the program and guys that don’t join our programs, the most common thing I hear is, “Well, I don’t know what my wife will say if I dedicate the time or if I spend the money.” Whether it be for the Ascension Blueprint, our program that helps men get unstuck and get clear, or whether it be The Activation Method, the one that helps them with their marriages. What are your thoughts, from your perspective? Again, you’re representing all women across the world from your girlfriends, from your clients. What’s your perspective from the coaching environment for a guy who always feels like, “I can’t do it. I just have to check with my wife”?
Erin Holt 1:56
Okay, here’s the thing. I hear it from the women’s perspective with my clients all the time and from girlfriends. We want a man who leads himself well. Leading yourself well is, yes, there’s a place to have the conversation and just be transparent, absolutely. Signing up to do something to better yourself as a man, as a human, as a partner, as a father, as a businessman, as just a whole human in general is super sexy. If you are like, “You know what, I want to be the best version of myself. I know I’ve been kind of in a funk,” or you’re just like, “I’m just ready for more.” As I’ve said before, I’ve kind of outgrown this phase of myself, and I’m a little stuck, and I want to up-level myself. I want to be around people that are aspiring to be the best version of themselves and be in those types of conversations and be surrounded by that. That is very, very attractive. It’s not like you’re booking some grand vacation without her and a bunch of dudes, and you’re gonna be gone for a month. That’s very different. We’re talking about something that’s going to massively benefit you, her, and if there are children involved, the children. That is super attractive. You’re leading yourself, which is what every woman wants you to do.
Doug Holt 3:09
100%. Let’s play a game. The game: you answer, sexy or not sexy. Okay, all right. There’s something I want to change in my life, so I take massive action immediately.
Erin Holt 3:19
Sexy.
Doug Holt 3:19
Okay, there’s something I want to change in my life, but I hem and haw about it.
Erin Holt 3:23
Not sexy.
Doug Holt 3:23
Things aren’t going well in our marriage, and I sign up for a course to help me become a better leader of our marriage.
Erin Holt 3:30
Sexy.
Doug Holt 3:30
Things aren’t going well in my marriage, so I just complain to my friends about what my wife’s not doing.
Erin Holt 3:36
Not sexy.
Doug Holt 3:36
Okay, you know what? I just feel a little stuck right now. I’m not sure what to do, so I complain to my wife about it, and I kind of mope around.
Erin Holt 3:45
Not sexy.
Doug Holt 3:46
Okay, I’m feeling kind of stuck right now, a little stressed, and I decide to invest in a course or go to a retreat or do something to shake it loose.
Erin Holt 3:59
Very sexy.
Doug Holt 4:00
All right, so I think there’s a theme here. I think a lot of guys are worried, because, “What will my wife think about me if I’m investing money and spending time in personal development?” What do you think? I mean, obviously, we’re biased. You’re a coach. You coach women. In fact, little plug for you you’ve got a 12-week program that ends in a retreat coming up very soon. Guys, if you, or ladies we have a lot of women listening to the show if you’re interested, go to erinmholt.com, and you can see what my beautiful wife’s up to over there. Does that happen also on the flip side? When you’re talking to women who are interested in working with you to rediscover themselves, rediscover their femininity, I gotta imagine you’re hearing a lot of, “I have to talk to my husband.”
Erin Holt 4:58
I do hear that. And like I said, there’s absolutely full transparency and honesty and trust in that. And also there is something to be said for, “You know what, I’m ready to invest in me. I matter too. My needs matter. My dreams matter. I deserve to give myself my own time and attention.” That’s a big thing for women, not as much for men. It’s just taking that stance of, “I value me, and this is going to benefit everybody I love in my life.” Because when I am connected to me happy and whole women create happy and whole marriages and homes and motherhood. So yes, and it’s like coming from the angle of, this will only benefit the people in your life.
Doug Holt 5:43
I just thought of this as you were talking, because I agree with you 100%. We’re talking about this from a woman’s point of view, right? We’ve had I’ve talked about this before but we were interviewing Colton, who produces this show. We drove around the country, as you’re aware, and we interviewed some families. One wife said her husband told her, “Hey, I’m going to sign up for TPM.” And she said, “No, you’re not.” And he said, “Well, no, I’m doing this.” And she goes, “That was the sexiest thing ever.” Is that funny? To a guy, that sounds so counter, right?
Erin Holt 6:19
Because he has a backbone, and he is connected to his value system. He’s like, “I am doing this to better myself.” And there’s just a clear delineation. You can’t see my hand, but it’s like, yes, I am. I hear this over and over again when a man takes a stance for himself, it’s sexy because it’s from a place of bettering yourself, love for yourself, and wanting more for your life, for your marriage. It’s incredibly attractive.
Doug Holt 6:49
So what I was thinking about when you were talking is, you have several one-on-one clients, and you have a couple people in this new group that you’re running, which aligns in a lot of ways with The Activation Method. Several of the women, their husbands or partners have paid for them, signed them up, and encouraged them to join your program. As I think about that, I think of what I know about the men, and what you’ve shared with me about the women. We don’t talk about a lot of it unless they give us permission to. But their relationships are super solid as a byproduct, because he is not only investing in himself because he’s been through TPM, all of these guys that I’m aware of anyway but he’s also investing in her, which then coincides to their relationship just getting better. They’re both rising.
Erin Holt 7:55
Yep, it’s like whenever you’re more connected to yourself, everything in life just works better. You’re no longer looking outside of yourself for your person to fill you up or to bring you joy or all of the things. It’s like when you’re responsible for your own happiness. I mean, it’s a totally different type of relationship that can unfold. And it’s magical.
Doug Holt 8:13
It is. Well, you and I did the whole presentation on the Activated Couple, and there’s a lot we’re rolling out with a major course on the Activated Couple. I think that before you become an Activated Couple, you have to activate yourself. That’s why we have The Activation Method at TPM. And the woman has to be activated in her own way. And so you both do your individual work, and then you can come together.
Erin Holt 8:37
It usually is a recipe for working. And here’s the thing it can work very, very quickly. Because when you pull your own energy back into yourself in a very good way, not in a selfish way women will think that’s selfish but when you pull your energy back into yourself…
Doug Holt 8:51
Hey guys, I just want to share something with you. I’m sure we can both agree that in order to fix something, you need to know what’s broken. And not only do you know what’s broken, but you need a step-by-step methodology on how you can fix it. That’s the easiest way to do it, right? Otherwise, you’re gonna be toiling with things. That’s why I created a free training a training that not only shows you how you got to where you are, where your relationship is missing that love, respect, admiration, and even intimacy that it used to have but also how you get it back. How do you retain that, where your wife’s looking at you the same way she used to look at you when she said “I do”? I don’t know about you, but for me, when my wife looks at me like I’m her man, I feel like I can conquer the world. And I want that for you. Simply go over to thepowerfulman.com/scales. That’s thepowerfulman.com/scales, and I have a free video training for you. You can just click play and see if this resonates for you. Now, back to the podcast.
Erin Holt 9:53
You can expand and grow very, very rapidly, which will result in your marriage if it’s in a place that’s kind of struggling, or not that good, or just good enough it will transform very quickly, because you transformed.
Doug Holt 10:05
And I think to your point, it’s taking action, right? Taking leadership as the man. For some of these guys listening, taking leadership might be signing up for a program. It doesn’t have to be a TPM program, but it could be. I mean, I’m biased I think it’s the best, or we’d be changing it. I’m competitive. I want to always be the best, and that means something to me. At the same time, you could take leadership by encouraging your wife to do the work.
Erin Holt 10:31
Supporting her, and giving her the reassurance like, “Hey, there’s nothing wrong with you, and I love you, and I want you to feel like you have time and space to work on you and be the best version of you.” That is amazing 100% support.
Doug Holt 10:45
That’s a power couple right there. I mean, when we first got married, I thought we were going to be this power couple coming together. And it didn’t work out as easily as we thought it would.
Erin Holt 10:57
A lot of work went into that.
Doug Holt 11:00
We put a lot of time and effort into it, and that’s how we ended up with The Activation Method, because TPM wasn’t around at that time. A program like TPM just wasn’t around. So let me ask you this. When you and I were going through our hard times in our marriage, if you saw me getting on calls, working with a coach, and investing money into a program…
Erin Holt 11:30
I would want to know what it is, but I also would have been like, oh my gosh, thank God. Please, this is a very good thing for you, for me, for our future, for our marriage. Thank you for taking action and leading yourself.
Doug Holt 11:48
Are you saying I wasn’t perfect back then? Far from it. Talk about Mr. Nice Guy syndrome, stonewalling all of the things that I used to do and I thought I was doing the right things. That’s the worst part about it. I just didn’t understand. And man, I felt like I was beating my head against a wall. So frustrating. I know it was easy for you, but for me, it was very difficult.
Erin Holt 12:13
I think what is pretty common for women, and I would imagine for men is whenever part of your life feels like there has to be more, or it’s actually really hard, or you’re at the end of your marriage, on the brink. It’s realizing, “Okay, I am the common denominator here. I can keep doing the same thing and keep producing pretty much the same results, or I can say, you know what, I’m worth more than this. I’m going to do something different. I don’t know the outcome, but I know I’m done. I’m over feeling like this and experiencing my life like this.” I hit that point during that stage of our marriage, and I took steps to get support and have some coaches. It was the best thing I could have done for myself and for you. I agree, and I hear that with my clients, and I’m sure you hear it with your men. You don’t have to hit rock bottom to take steps to work with somebody. Sometimes that’s the best place to come from, but you do not have to hit rock bottom to do that. You can just be in a place where you’re like, “I’m ready for more.”
Doug Holt 13:25
I remember you and I hired a coach for us. I always tell people we wanted to hire someone before it got bad. Let’s be proactive this time, not reactive. That’s critical. Well, again, thanks for all you do for the women out there. As a man and as somebody who leads a group of men, we want our wives to be shining as bright as we see them. All the men that come through TPM love women. That’s why the guys come through our programs. They love their women, and they want to see their women rise as well. So thanks for the work that you do. Thanks for showing up here to help give a woman’s perspective so the guys can actually hear from the other side of the street.
Erin Holt 14:01
That’s so fun for me, and I hope it’s helpful. I love being in this space that you guys have created. It’s really a magical place to be.
Doug Holt 14:09
Before you leave, if a guy wants to send his wife some information about one of your programs, or he wants her to rise as well, where does he go?
Erin Holt 14:19
ErinMHolt.com that’s “M” as in mom. You can go on there. There’s a group program, and you can download a beautiful brochure with all the details about it. I can simply tell you right now, the most important relationship you have is the one you have with yourself. That is the whole basis of my coaching program: bringing women back into their femininity and increasing their capacity for joy and sensuality. And it’s work, but we also have a ton of fun, connection, and sisterhood. So you can go there, reach out to me, and my email and everything is on there.
Doug Holt 14:52
Love it. Thanks, babe. Gentlemen, as I always say, in the moment of insight, take massive action. And you know what? As we were talking about this because this podcast, this show, came up randomly I was thinking, holy cow, what Erin is saying is exactly what every woman we’ve had on this show is saying. It is sexy when our men take action. It is sexy when our men better themselves. So if you are sitting on the fence right now and you are not taking massive action, this is your sign. This is your sign to take that massive action. Again, it doesn’t have to be through TPM. Just do something. I say that a lot because I really care about you guys, and I want you to have it all. Now, if you’re interested in TPM, then come on board. We do have an application process. We have what we call the beard test. There are all kinds of things you get to go through, but you need to find out if it’s the right fit. And hey, if you want your wife the women in your life to rise, then go over, check out Erin’s website, and see if it’s the right fit for you. Again, it may not be the right fit, but you won’t know until you actually check it out. Guys, take some massive action, and we’ll see you next time on the TPM. The Powerful Man Show.
